MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

Birthdays and Christmas are a time for people to choose and give gifts. I get that it’s nice to get some needed items but personally, I don’t enjoy giving money or being told exactly what to buy. It’s just spending on someone’s behalf rather than gift giving.

You can't dictate imo.

My in-laws go mad with clothes too and it is frustrating because so do my parents. It will sound silly to some but it does mean that we have so many clothes that I can't really buy many myself: I see lovely items I'd love to buy but think "DC has far too many clothes as it is." Fundamentally I'm grateful of course as we do save money and it's very generous of them BUT it also means my DC doesn't get a huge deal of wear out of outfits as there are so many. Annoying.

Just dress him in the clothes for nursery. If you couldn't possibly put White Company on DC for childcare, keep them for the weekend when you do something a bit nicer perhaps.

I'd probably bite my tongue and focus on buying toys if they like to buy clothes and DC needs toys. This is sort of what we've done; we save more for my DC month as we hardly ever need to buy clothes.

In your post you come across as someone who is hard work. You want to get your own way. Just let the baby wear the clothes, do not save for best, and let him enjoy the toys from other people.
It's so unimportant but you are making it a big deal because you want everyone to fit in with you. To be honest I would not bother with you, you sound tedious.

They'll be nice to wear over Christmas for photos.

I see where you're coming from. I think your path of least resistance would be to give up on them listening and ask for clothes from somewhere with a generous exchange policy that also sells toys. Jojo maman bebe can be good for this - i have changed an outfit in the wrong size with no receipt there before. It was a shame as it was now in the sale so I just got a sale credit for it, but at least was able to get something my kid would use.

Ha, I am a grannie who buys what I want to buy for my granddaughter. I buy things that she would like so six year old girl think sparkly, impractical, pink for clothes messy, outdoor, silly things for toys.
My daughter just goes with the flow, I do also buy school shoes(on the fanciest side) warm coats (with princesses on) fleece pjs(with sparkles) . Your child is too young to have a sayin their preferences but as they get older may like their grandparents contributions.

"AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??!"

Yep. That's pretty much it.

I get that it is annoying but I think you are being a bit mean. She is not buying bundles of clithes or large toys that you have no room for (a common grandparent mistake). She is literally buying a small item that she wants her grandson to have. She doesn't have to buy anything if she doesn't want to.
If you need toys, there are toy libraries or you could ask in laws to lend you some money (but the deal there is that you need to be grateful!!).

2/3 of the people here are telling you YABU and why and you are trying to explain why you are not and how disrespectful they are. What is the point of this thread then?
sending a list, selling new clothes, etc is really low and disrespectful.. why do you bother so much how they want to spend their money? Its their grandchild. He is very little so as much as toys are fun at this age he doesnt need so much different toys and clearly, good clothes bring joy to your MiL. And you need clothes regardless, just use them and be happy you dont have to spend on any yourself, the money you would spend on cheap coat you can use to buy a cheap toy…same result overall but everyone happy

You just sound bratty now.

You are doing what I try to do when giving a present - thinking about what would bring the recipient joy. It’s a shame the MIL in this case isn’t doing the same.

My children have definitely had best clothes! For me, high street and Vinted is for nursery/ park/ soft play and Spanish is for everything else! But that gives me great pleasure. There are many like me. There are others who think it’s a complete waste of money- I understand that, I just don’t follow it myself! Each to their own.

It does sound like they are being a bit annoying, but you also sound a bit inflexible. They probably think second hand clothes and toys are inappropriate and you think expensive clothing for DCs is a waste of money - it's just two different points of view. Oh and they probably also think that if they are paying for presents they get to pick them.

Make too much of a fuss and rather than getting the toys you want, you're more likely to be getting nothing.

Expensive childs clothing resells well, just put your DC in it a few times and then stick on vinted or whatever.

And cheeky. You don't tell someone what they are buying unless they ask.

I wouldn't be surprised if she gets some toys for him as well

It's probably pointless rather than inappropriate. In a household where her son has lost his job and currently has no income, why would you buy an overpriced winter coat for a 1 year old that already has 2 winter coats?

I have to agree with this! Yes men sometimes really don't care if the baby now has 3 jackets, not many toys etc. They don't have to sort through the clothes which are too small, not the right season decide where to store them or sell them etc.

Maybe that's why DMil's go on a bit of a clothes spending spree as their DS really couldn't give a crap about clothes so a chance for their mothers to buy for someone else. I think it's also a way for them to feel included in the upbringing of the child.

Not sure if OP has 'gone about it'. She has asked for advice/shared on an anonymous forum on how she is feeling.

OP-maybe another idea would be to let DH take the lead on the clothing/toys side of things. Given he isn't working at the moment so he has plenty of time for all this!

I can see that this would be particularly frustrating as you are short on money.

It seems that you've done your best to redirect PIL but they aren't prepared to make the changes that you would like. They presumably have different values and priorities to you and your DH.

You can either accept the status quo and try and make the best of it (wear/return/sell the clothes) or be confrontational with PIL - which is unlikely to have the desired outcome in my opinion.

I wonder if there are a lot of other things that annoy you about PIL or is it mainly just this one issue?

As your MIL insists on buying clothes, could she be guided? As in, we already have enough coats for now, but is there any chance of a size or two larger so that they have something to grown into (so you don't need to buy the larger clothes)?

Use them if you can or sell on vinted. Stop stressing over a gift.

YABU to tell people what to buy. I think you should take a step back & realise you are being a bit ridiculous. If she wants to buy clothes that's up to her. I understand that's not what you want but she's clearly seen some things she likes & wants to buy them. Just say thank you very much & be polite. I'm sure she'll also buy some toys.

YANBU.

But I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If they don't listen, just say thank you and move on.

My MIL was doing the same and bought lots of clothes and shoes for our baby after we kindly ask her not to buy any as we had lots. She didn't listen and bought lots of outfits we wouldn't really use on our LO. We said thank you and they were donated.

Lol sure. Dress them in the clothes she buys when she sees him which is rarely as she doesn't bother to visit her grandson much despite always saying how lovely he is. He will have outgrown any clothes she buys long before she next sees him.

We tried this twice before and she ignored us and got things she wanted.

You're really sounding worse and worse and yes, controlling. It would only take a tiny bit of decency to accept the gift graciously, send the baby to nursery in the clothes, take a quick pic and voila.

We get gifted lots of nice clothes and dc wears them to nursery all the time. Have a couple of things been lost / damaged? Sure but actually most have lasted because....quality. And beautiful.

You could stop buying clothes and buy second hand toys instead as many have suggested. With Facebook marketplace, you can get amazing stuff for pennies. Same price as vinted clothes.

If you were more gracious in accepting generous gifts from mil, she would probably start buying you nice toys too. You're missing a trick.

But yes, you're also completely unwilling to listen to feedback so it's a lost cause.