MIL to constantly disrespect wishes for baby gifts

[Siamesecatlover]

It's my sons 1st birthday coming up in December, and obviously Christmas too. I'm not someone who wants or appreciates expensive baby clothes as I find them extremely wasteful and especially now our son is at a childminder 4x per week there is no opportunity for him to be wearing nice clothes as they get so filthy!! I've made this fact very clear to my family as well as my in laws several times this year and asked that for any gifts people do intend to purchase, kindly not to purchase clothes as I already have everything we need. When he was born my in laws bought what must have been over £250 worth of brand new clothes from the white company some of which he didn't even wear or only wore once. They refuse to buy 2nd hand clothes otherwise I would have said this is an option if they really want to buy clothes but it's not.

I've therefore said for his 1st birthday and Xmas we would really appreciate toys for our son to use over the next year as we dont have too many. I've even shared links to several ideas if anyone is stuck.

Get a message this morning from MIL saying "oh I know you like to just buy things on vinted but I couldn't resist buying some nice clothes from my local shop for his birthday and Christmas". So basically gone against my wishes (for I'd say at least the 3rd time this year) - meaning we will be receiving expensive clothes we've said we categorically don't want, in place of toys that would actually be so appreciated and well received.

AIBU to just accept the gifts and ask for recipts then either go and return them myself or just sell them on vinted and buy what I actually need??! Have asked my husband to land the message of no clothes which he says he has done a few times but it clearly is just not being respected and it's really making me frustrated.

I can't criticise because I absolutely loved dressing my children in cute clothes day to day so the more the better as far as I was concerned. If they got dirty I had plenty to change them with & everything was easily washed. I'm the same with my young Grandchildren. I can't resist buying them clothes but the difference is my son & dil really appreciate everything they are given.

It's perfectly fine to return or resell unwanted gifts. You can't tell them how to spend their money but they can't control what you do with a gift once given.

Also he is only just turning one so does not need many toys. If your side of family and yourself are buying him toys for birthday and Christmas then I imagine he will have ample.

You sound lovely!

This is tricky. I have an aunt that for 15 years has continued to buy my children clothes that don’t fit them. They never have any tags or gift receipts so I can never return them , I have tried over the years to make suggestions about sizing etc but it never changes . Having said that, ultimately while it is frustrating I cannot dictate what my aunt does with her money and what gifts she wants to buy. I would let your DH speak to them as they are his parents as previous posters have suggested if you are really unhappy although if I were you I would sell the clothes on if they are not season appropriate. If size and season appropriate I would be using the clothes as it sounds like you have other family who will be buying your son toys . I also have to comment that you are being unnecessarily very rude and snarky to people who are disagreeing with you. A little bit of grace goes a long way .

You come across really entitled.

It's not up to your PIL to supplement your financial situation by buying toys for your son, and a 12 mo does not need loads of toys either.

Maybe they've noticed that your son is dressed scruffily a lot of the time.

The correct response to a gift (especially £200 worth) is "Thank you very much," not "I didn't want that one, buy me something different!" You should have learned that lesson a long time ago and should now be teaching it to your son.

You can't demand that they stop spending their own money on things for their grandchild that you don't need and won't use. They are gifts. It's up to them what they buy.

But it's up to you what you do with it. If you can't use them then sell them and use the money to buy what you need. You don't need to tell them about it. Keep a couple of things and let your baby wear them when he's seeing his GPs, or if they ask why they never see him wearing them just say 'he has so much stuff, I can't use it all quickly enough before he outgrows it. I've told you this before!'

It's not worth getting worked up about. just smile, say thanks, flog most of it on Vinted and buy something more useful or put the money in an account for your baby.

Just think to yourself... What would Dudley say and what would Harry Potter say.

Let it go. You run the risk of taking away your MiL’s joy in spoiling her grandson.

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This

It’s their money. I completely agree with you - 90% of my sons clothes are second hand from friends kids and if family do buy him things it’s from supermarkets, primark etc as they get filthy and/or ruined and stained from various activities at nursery and food. We get him the odd nicer outfit for special occasions.

I’d let them buy the clothes OP. Put him in them to go to childminders. Get them filthy. Let the in-laws see. If they’ve got more money than sense that’s on them and not you! You can’t dictate what they buy, but you’d like to think they’d respect your wishes.

We’ve set boundaries with gifts for DS this year. We’ve said no clothes - he’s 2.5 and still wearing the 18-24 clothes he was in last year, and we have a full wardrobe full of 2-3yrs (that friends and family bought him for his 2nd birthday in May) and he hasn’t worn any of it yet and we have no room for any more! And we’ve said no big toys as we literally haven’t the space. We said if anyone has a big toy they want to buy him to check with us first and we can see if we have the space. If someone ignored that request I’d be a bit peeved - my mum wanted to get him a huge rocking horse and I basically told her it would have to stay at her house then!

Don't sweat the small stuff OP............you have made your point with the in-laws which they choose to disregard.
Send the child to the childminder in his new clothes or as others have suggested sell them on or gift them to a family in need - there's plenty of those around.
But do not fall out with them, they just want to show their love in material ways. One suggestion might be to ask them to purchase Premium Bonds for him if they are intent on spending lots of cash.

First of all, I completely understand why you're irritated, but this probably isn't the hill you want to die on. You've already requested no clothes, just toys, and they've pushed through on clothes anyway. There isn't much you can do now because this is a problem you should really be leaving with your DH (whom I suspect didn't really stress how important the toys would be given your finances? Maybe he doesn't want them to know he's not making much at the moment?)

Meanwhile I'd personally hand over some of those clothes to the baby in front of grandma after they're opened. "Oh lovely, here, have a play with your new three piece suit. How fun!"

And before I get the 'you hate MILs brigade' no, I don't. It wouldn't have hurt for MIL to buy some clothes AND toys, though, given the amount of money spent on these clothes.

Just be grateful he’s got loving grandparents, put him in the fancy clothes, send them photos and say thank you. Sell them on vinted when you’re done with them.

Why are women so horrible to their MILs? I’m so glad I only have daughters!

As an aside, my children don’t come back totally filthy from their childminders every day.. can you ask that the childminder puts and apron on or something when doing messy activities?!

My mum likes to buy DS clothes, I just direct her towards a sports shop so he actually wears them and saves me buying them. As little one gets older (preteen here) you will appreciated someone else picking up the clothes bill!

So basically gone against my wishes

I think you have misunderstood what gift giving is supposed to be about. If someone asks for you to suggest specific items then it's fine to give them some, but it's also fine for them to disregard those suggestions if they don't like them. It's a bit entitled of you to provide them with an unsolicited list of requirements and they are under no obligation to comply with your 'wishes.'

Chances are, these very generous GPs will also buy some of the toys you asked for, but if they enjoy choosing and giving their grandchild clothes then it's their right to do so. The risk they take is that you won't like or use what you've chosen, but I get the impression they are already very well aware of that.

Honestly, of all the 'problems' a DIL could have with her MIL, this is pretty at the very bottom of the chart and not really something to get your knickers in a twist over. It sounds like you just want to find fault with her and this is the best you can come up with.

Not really. I agree with the OP. Why should she have to accept stuff she doesn't want? If people gave me stuff back in the day I passed it onto the charity shop. It takes up valuable storage space and the other person is, in a way, trying to control.

@MrsSunshine2b why on earth would non-expensive or second-hand mean scruffy? Silly, silly comment.

OP I don't see why it matters if your son only gets one or two or no wears out of them. They can then be donated to someone who wants or needs them and be useful. Much better than some unwanted gifts like plastic rubbish that gets scattered or no-one wants.

You can’t change how people act and lots of people enjoy buying clothes they like for babies.
Surely the answer is obvious though. Keep the tags on the clothes and either get a credit note from the shop - many of which would sell toys too, or sell the clothing on and buy toys with the money.
You’re making quite a fuss about something pretty insignificant.

I’m glad you’re not my daughter in law, what a nasty thing to say when someone has chosen a gift, would it really hurt you to take a happy smiley photo and say thank you, it’s lovely.
You sound as if you have a very mean streak OP, I’d be ashamed to write that, it’s certainly not something to shout about.
A little kindness goes a long way.

It's a GIFT which means no-one is obligated to give you one. If you don't want it, fine, but if you throw back someone's gift in their face, don't be surprised if that's the last gift you get.

It's not like she's given her white elephants. Babies get through a lot of clothes. If she'd rather sell or donate, that's her choice but there is absolutely no reason why the baby can't just wear nice, high quality clothes.

Some people absolutely love buying clothes for babies and children. They like the experience of going to the shops and looking and getting them something special. It brings them a lot of joy. You are looking at this as MIL has x amount of money to spend and you are annoyed that she is not spending it in a sensible way, but she probably just really loves buying your child clothes. You are trying to meet your kids needs in a cost effective and environmentally conscious way. She enjoys shopping and wants to get them something special. It sounds like a difference of perspective rather than anyone being horrible.
We get things for our kids all the time that I wouldn't have picked out and if people gave us cash, I wouldn't have spent it on clothes. But it's their money to spend as they want and I am just so grateful that people love my children enough to buy them anything at all.
To play devils advocate, while you are finding her disrespectful, it's possible your MIL is finding you a bit ungrateful. Neither of you are right or wrong, you are just different.

If I were you I'd just have a good think on a calm day about whether or not this is worth the upset. Your little one won't be little for long, this won't last forever and having a good relationship with your in-laws where you are both able to forgive, move on and appreciate what you have is valuable.

It doesn't. Most of my daughter's clothes are second hand and she never looks scruffy. What a silly, silly interpretation of my comment! I'm saying that possibly OP's son is dressed scruffily and this would explain why MIL wanted to buy clothes that looked a bit tidier.

You don't get to dictate gifts but I would be using them then giving to charity. It's her waste not yours.

This would totally irk me too in your position OP. I’m not sure that even getting a receipt would help though as normally the money goes back on the card of the payer, or a credit note which probably won’t get you what you need in somewhere like the white company/north face. You could sell them and put the money to what is actually needed.