H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

You are doing your absolute best in the most dire of circumstances. I hope that you’re surrounded by the love of your family and friends

Don't collect him!! You will get stuck with him.

You really need to read the thread.

I'm sorry you are still going through this OP. I hope you and your son all the best.

I'm sorry it's going in the direction it's going, OP, but you have done what you can. You have to do what's best for you and your son going forward, which means leaving him to it, essentially.

I am so sorry to read your update @RainbowLife . I read your initial post but didn't post and have just read all your posts. It's made me quite tearful as it reminded me of my uncle who liked to drink. I can't say with any real knowledge that he had a problem but I know his mum worried about him. It's almost a year since he died but I don't think it was alcohol related, a heart attack came out of the blue and who is to know if alcohol had any impact.

You are so so strong. You are doing your son proud, you are honouring your wedding vows for the best result for the three of you and I hope you are getting all the support you need so that your life isn't impacted forever by what has happened with your husband.

m00rfarm. I really need to read the post!!! I think not' OP was considering whether driving to collect errant husband was a good plan'. Perhaps you ought to take stock before criticising any replies. Specsavers??

I've thought of you often since reading your first post OP, I didn't comment at the time as I wanted to leave the post for others who could give practical advice I didn't have.
I'm commenting now purely to send love to you and your child, this is not the update I was hoping for nor the update you were hoping to post I'm sure.

100% your son is your first priority and 100% your conscience is clear, you've done all you can for your H and as you've rightly said you cannot stop another person's addiction, only they can do that. But also please remember 100% you are a priority too, your feelings matter and I can't imagine the devastation of watching this unfold to a man you love and have a child with, as well as dealing with more negative feelings towards him all mixed up together.

I pray it's not too late for H to turn things around, however unlikely that now appears, but whatever comes your way in the coming months/years, you have a right to your feelings whatever they may be, positive or negative, you have a right to place your hand on your heart and say 'I did the best I could at the time with the resources, time, and headspace I had' Please continue to reach out to your support network to ensure you are supported, as well as your sons support network to ensure he's supported.

Probably not the best saying in this case but one to remember "you cannot pour from an empty cup" look after yourself so you can give your son the extra support he will need.

You and your son and H will be in my prayers x

Oh OP. I am new to your thread. Have only read your posts but wanted to send good wishes and you sound like an incredible woman

Sending you all the strength you need for your DC and yourself <3

While we can all write words, the feelings involved here are huge. This is a man you have loved and had a child with.
You have done your level best and tried to do what you could, under very difficult circumstances.
It’s easy to say turn away, forget him and live your life but it is hard to switch off how you feel. Watching someone else destroy their own life is awful.
However, it is the right thing that he is not in the family home now and I feel very sad for his sister because I should imagine it is unpleasant for her now, too.
I saw a clip today from someone who is now sober and he said he’s often asked about what his addiction has been like. And his reply was to not ask him, but to
ask his loved ones. Because when he was drinking he wasn’t aware of his experiences. But his wife and children could recount, with huge pain, what he had put them through. It is a powerful drug, and one you can’t fight personally. It is one that touches so many of our lives, and is often overlooked.
I think your thread will certainly touch many people who have been through something similar.
This year, I hope you are able to enjoy time with your DS, making some memories, because it is so important for you both. And you both deserve happiness.

@RainbowLife thanks for updating us. Wishing you and your ds all the best wishes in the world.

Hello @GucciBear and @m00rfarm
Thank you for appearing on this thread. Literally every person and reply has been of immense support and value.

Some have helped me think through questions where there is no right answer, just a choice of wrongish ones. Others have offered absolutely vital warmth and kindness.

Everyone who has shared their experience, strength and hope has kept me focused on my own recovery (in Alanon Family Groups, a 12 step programme for friends and family of alcoholics).

Those who have given me their instinctive first reactions or helped me by explaining details of the unfolding story to other posters all make me feel cared about and this is a situation where shame, trauma and confusion can so easily lead to isolation.

I am so grateful to Mumsnet and Mumsnetters for being here in my hour of need and giving me the chance to look back and consider how I have been handling events and how things unfolded.

If you are facing a situation anything like this in your own family I urge you to reach out. Help is there.

It has moved on a long way since then. It’s over 6 weeks since she asked the question.

All my thoughts are with you and your son. I have followed this thread from the beginning and I know you have sincerely tried to do your best for everyone.

OP I'm amazed you're still standing and very sorry that his addiction has run away with your husband like this. Huge respect to you for keeping your focus on your son's wellbeing and getting organized in the face of so much loss and difficulty. I hope your son is doing OK.

Alcoholism is an awful thing and it sounds like he has lots of complex issues going on that need specialist support. It's an awful place to be in life.

It's also quite frankly not your job to rescue him out of this. At some point op you have to make the decision to put your own oxygen mask on so you can provide the way you need to for your ds and keep his life stable and secure. I think you need to leave this up to him and professionals to sort out. If he has asd it's likely there's an entitlement to a va social worker or a disability social worker, plus other provision around living independently and managing addiction etc. He needs to lean on all of that support and you need to start prioritising yourself and your child.

I don't judge you for marrying him or rekindling - plenty of people out there take chances on people with addiction issues who have been able to remain sober. It's a gamble you take. But you do need to draw a line somewhere now and realistically if you go to him you'll end up sucked into it and services will pass the buck on to you.

@Lavender14 please read the op’s update from today.

Oh OP no words. Just hugs 💐

Only 3 weeks later but feels much longer.
The drinking>medical-emergency>hospital>detox>discharge>abstinence(for hours or days)>drinking cycle continues with worse details each time.
My 11 year old says he doesn't want to see his dad until he's well, doesn't want to think about it and only wants news if it's very good or very bad. Wise child. His sleep is often all over the place but with lots of support from school and family worker he's doing as well as I could hope.
The strain and heartbreak is taking it's toll on me. I'm emotionally exhausted and struggling at times.
Fortunately some creative doors have opened so I'm immersing myself in that as far as possible.

Thank you for being there 🌹

You tried your best. It’s heartbreaking to watch thus sadness visited on your son. But all you can do is try to break the chain of transmission of trauma. His father, your dh, can simply never safely be part of his life.

That's quite an amazing young person you have there!
Take a deep dive into those creative things. If I get really immersed in something I can completely lose myself in the activity. It's saved my sanity a few times. Of course the other stuff was still there, but it was so nice to be able to shove it into a little room in the back of my mind and shut the door on it for a while.

Yes @pikkumyy77 and @NotbloodyGivingupYet
Thank you

Embrace all the good things. You still be ok, your DS will be ok, it may be a long slow journey but hang on in

A particularly difficult day for me today. Some positive outcomes but at huge cost to me. If I was in any doubt at all I now know fir certain I'm at the end of my emotional strength. I'm not sure how I'm.going to do it but I am going to give myself a real break somehow.