H in A&E 300 miles away

[RainbowLife]

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

• drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.

Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or

• something else.

His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

Thinking of you OP and your son. You are doing the right thing by drawing a line in the sand that you won't budge from. Your priority now must be to yourself and your child. You've done all you can and more than you should have had to do for your alcoholic husband and now you can put plans in place to entirely separate yourself from him. Are you in a position to progress with a divorce. He is in an appropriate place of care and that should be the end of your involvement. Let them contact his mistress and let her deal with caring for a spendthrift unrepentant alcoholic. Wash your hands now and stand firm.

@RainbowLife sending best wishes to you and ds ❤️

I am going to stop recommending Al Anon to people after reading this history. It has utterly blinded you to reality for far too long. Your DH should have been left to muddle through without your expending time, money, a carer(!) or anything else this time and the last few times. You are back to square one? You are much worse iff than that.

He has not only been unable to maintain sobriety he has plunged further into his disease as though all your love and care was so much water he tried grasping with one hand.

Thank you so much for your concern which I'm sure is kindly meant.

I hope you will reconsider passing judgement on the worldwide fellowship of AlAnon, which supports so many people, on the basis that you feel my actions have been poor.

May I gently remind you that we have been married less than a year and this is his first relapse into drinking since we married and also that the whole time since he began drinking again is less than three weeks. My knowledge of it is only two and a half weeks.

It is quite difficult to experience my marriage and family life coming to an abrupt end just before my son's birthday, our first wedding anniversary and Christmas.

I certainly agree with your last sentence but perhaps less so with your other points.

It's an awful situation to be in. I've been there too with an ex. I'm so sorry for what you are all going through. Alcohol is a bastard.

You've handled this with huge grace and dignity, OP. You can look your child in the eye and say truthfully that you did your utmost to help their father. And they will love you even more for it.

Your conscience is totally clear and that's worth an awful lot

I’ve been one of the lurkers on your thread OP.
For what it’s worth I’m in awe of the way you’ve handled this. Your compassion, strength, dignity and love for your DS shines through.
Take care

Yes it really is. I have discovered through this that I do really love H and the best way I can show that is by stepping away.

Ah, OP. It's terribly sad to read
DS has had a wonderful 9 months living with his Dad for the first time
and think that even the joy of being with his son every day wasn't enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It's an evil compulsion.

My apologies.

Thank you, that's is appreciated, as is your goodwill.

Thinking of you all and hoping this works out. Perhaps this will be the wake up call he needs.

Why should she actively arrange to bring him closer? I wouldn't do that. I'd leave him and the hospital to it.
I'd be too busy getting my finances secure and my divorce started.

I can see why someone might do that and both protecting my finances and considering the legal status of my marriage are important. Just as an aside you can't start divorce proceedings until you have been married over a year.

If I left a frail and vulnerable adult to sort out their housing and finances while detoxing from high alcohol intake there is a real risk of things going very wrong medically or otherwise. My son is 10, whatever happens to his Dad will have a profound impact on him now and in the future. My son is my priority and that means doing what I can to give his Dad a chance at recovery.

OP I feel I owe you an apology. I whipped out a response to a post because I felt that people were guilting you into taking on more responsibility for your DH.
In fact you have made the best of a really shitty situation, you are handling it with grace and a damn sight more patience than I ever could. Wishing you strength and a better future for you and your son.

@RainbowLife how are you and ds?

Hope you are doing ok @RainbowLife

@LushLemonTart and @PeggyMitchellsCameo thank you for remembering my son and I at the beginning of December. It was a difficult month with many challenges.

Our home and our life at home is getting better. We have lots of excellent professional support and wonderful friends and family.

Sadly my husband has managed only a few days abstinence since I last posted. There was a short window of hope after a hospital admission triggered detox but he soon returned to drinking and is now staying with his sister and in a very poorly and precarious state.

It's not too dramatic to say we may be nearing the end. I'm finding it very difficult and emotional and turning to my own sources of comfort which are music and my spiritual life.

I've tried hard to do the right thing, as best I could discern, to be kind and to be truthful. I have had moments of impatience, anger and devastation.

I know, hand on heart, that I have put my child first.

I know, hand on heart, that I am powerless to prevent another person drinking.

An alcoholic who keeps drinking is a recipe for disaster.

They cannot be helped unless they want the help.

You need to prioritise yourself and your ds.

He got himself into that state and he needs to get himself out

But you need to find a way for the credit card mess to not impact your financial security

Sending gentle hugs @RainbowLife

Oh RainbowLife that's so painful and difficult. I'm glad he is with his sister and you aren't dealing with his presence whilst you start to come to terms with it all.

Wishing you strength

I’m so glad you realise that only one person can stop your husband drinking and that’s him, but for whatever reason he just can’t do it. Keep reminding yourself of this. It does help. Big hugs.

Thinking of you x

Thanks for the update @RainbowLife . A hard thing to deal with, but I'm glad he is staying with his sister. Very sad, to read how frail he is now. Sending hugs xx