Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

[mumwatchthis]

Hi guys
Just some advice if you don’t mind!
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, and we have two kids together. He has another son (aged 10) who from a previous relationship who was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He was getting so stressed out at school, that we (collectively as a couple, plus his Mum) made the decision to pull him out of school, with my partner taking the lead on homeschooling. Consequently, my partner left his full time job where he earned £40k+ a year. We agreed that we knew it would be tough financially and would bring extra pressure and stress, but would make it work and once they’d settled into a routine, he would look for a part time job at the very least. Let’s just say we weren’t financially secure beforehand, but we have muddled through. However, we are really struggling and I feel our other two kids are suffering as a result of this (their quality of life isn’t as good as it would have been if he was working), and he hasn’t yet found another job, with his excuse being that we wouldn’t be any better off (we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16).
Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him, and tell him I’m not completely happy with this set up and he needs to change it. If we didn’t have our kids, I wouldn’t be as bothered but it’s affecting their lives and I don’t see that was very fair.
Thanks!

I just want to add that I agree that being homeschooled is the best option for his son, and I absolutely agreed to this initially, but it’s not working for us financially.

Do you work?

What’s your alternative plan?

It sounds like you made this decision together and now decided it’s not working out. which I get.

But if it was at the point the child couldn’t really be in school it’s not just going to be a case of putting him in any school that has space.

I get your point. But I also get his point about the home schooling. Which you did agree with.

How long has he not working?

In all honestly, I am surprised neither of you realised a 40k wage drop would make a huge difference. But you can’t keep chopping and changing. It’s not going to be good for his son.

Does his son have an EHCP?

OP says: we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16.

It was the right decision but clearly done in a very impractical way - he has three kids to consider not just one and i’m amazed eveyone agreed to his plan!
losing a huge chunk of income isn’t a sensible way to approach it
of course you’re struggling
he needs a job and soon - he won’t be saving for the future, ie pension etc
you say you’re partners and not married so financially you could be in a very precarious position
id be having a very serious conversation asap

Has his son actually withdrawn from school completely?? If not they have a duty of care to provide some education support. However I understand it's putting pressure on you financially. Could you work part time and still get universal credit??

Does the child's mother contribute? I would expect her to pay some kind of child support if your partner cannot work due to the childcare commitment to their joint child.

I also assume you are working?

Is his mum contributing towards the shortfall? Or is her household income unaffected by this decision? Are you looking at alternative provision? (Is this a stop gap or a long term plan?)

The mother only owes more child support if she has him for less overnights as a result of the homeschooling. She owes a moral obligation of contributing towards the cost of homeschool education though.

YANBU.

You can't afford this.

He has three children not one.

Is your partner lazy? Is he doing all the housework, cooking, mental load now?

How old is the son? You should be able to claim DLA and Carer's Allowance- this is until they are 16 years + 6 months. Also agree that the mother should be supporting financially in some way.

Some local authorities provide home tuition for children who can't access education in this way.

Are there no specialist schools his son could attend?

Yeah but you can claim a certain amount whilst working can’t you?

I couldn’t understand from the OP whether it meant she worked or not

Is he the highest earner out of all of you? Seems illogical for him to be the one to stop work. When you looked at the sums before he did it, how did they look?

What is the plan for the son if he goes back to work?

Tbh withdrawing a child with additional needs without a rock solid plan is very short sighted, you're better in the system pushing the lea on their responsibility to provide a suitable education. Now he is out of school it will be much harder to get him back in somewhere decent

Lots of families with kids who have complex needs end up with one parent giving up or reducing work - usually the mum. It's a terrible indictment of how poorly we provide for children with SEN.

If your SS can't cope in school, what are the alternatives?

Would you be financially better off if he was working PT or not? Benefits are there to support struggling families. Your post doesn't make clear whether your objection is to having a reduced income or to your kids seeing their dad claiming benefits.

Yes this is absolutely it. I was one of those mums. It’s a heck of a sacrifice and now I’m hoping to work at an old age.

YABU
I've spend my ASD DS's entire childhood helping him massively
I don't work as a result
Absolutely necessary
But people think of me as lazy/pondlife for it

Is your husband right that you wouldn’t be better off if he found a job? Does he claim carers which exempts him from the need to look for a job on UC? Surely all your dc benefit from him being at home, not just the one who needs home education?

I personally think your dh is right to put his dc’s needs first. The damage done to neurodivergent dc in a school environment can be enormous, and also impact the entire family.

Is the Mother paying maintenance? If not, why not ?

How is the homeschooling going?

How are your DC impacted by the financial shortfall?

How long since your DP has been employed?

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to raise this. It's not unreasonable to be concerned that your DC are being affected in not being able to afford extra curricular clubs, or new school shoes etc. But you would be being unreasonable to have agreed to this and now be unhappy because you can't afford a pony.

So i think you'd be best to approach this with hard examples and clear ideas on how to rectify this. A budget you can show to demonstrate how this has impacted family finances and lifestyle.

Have you looked Dow the alternative provision route for your step son?

What a daft decision. How could you not see the problems .

Why didn’t the mum step in at all and home school too and they could have both dropped their hours.

quitting his job was ridiculous. It was very obvious your kids quality of life was going to be severely drop by this.