Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

[mumwatchthis]

Hi guys
Just some advice if you don’t mind!
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, and we have two kids together. He has another son (aged 10) who from a previous relationship who was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He was getting so stressed out at school, that we (collectively as a couple, plus his Mum) made the decision to pull him out of school, with my partner taking the lead on homeschooling. Consequently, my partner left his full time job where he earned £40k+ a year. We agreed that we knew it would be tough financially and would bring extra pressure and stress, but would make it work and once they’d settled into a routine, he would look for a part time job at the very least. Let’s just say we weren’t financially secure beforehand, but we have muddled through. However, we are really struggling and I feel our other two kids are suffering as a result of this (their quality of life isn’t as good as it would have been if he was working), and he hasn’t yet found another job, with his excuse being that we wouldn’t be any better off (we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16).
Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him, and tell him I’m not completely happy with this set up and he needs to change it. If we didn’t have our kids, I wouldn’t be as bothered but it’s affecting their lives and I don’t see that was very fair.
Thanks!

Is the mum the residential parent?
Does she work?

I don’t understand why he gave up his FT job.

Surely the mum could have home schooled or they could have done 50/50 homeschooling.

DP could have kept working and taught him on weekends and evenings or gone to part time at spent the other days home schooling.

It’s commendable that DP has done this but it’s not sustainable and I wonder if it was a rushed decision, as I feel like there could have been a better solution.

My son got his EHCP, and then got into a special school in 2020

Couldn't edit my last post, my son got an EHCP, and he hadn't even been diagnosed yet

Says in OP he’s 10

Do you claim DLA for son and caters allowance?

If the child has an EHCP and the local authority agree/admit the school is unsuitable then they'd have to put something else in place.
But it can mean very determined parents put in months or years of fighting to get to that point.
More often what happens is the child refuses to go to school and one parent's attendance at work is impacted severely enough that they lose their job. Or the child is left to their own devices at home.

It doubt it ever is for most families.

And of course the parents can end up being fined and threatened with court if they don't deregister the child.

Your dp clearly has his son more and does more with him- he needs to claim the carers allowance, he could probably get a part time job too. I would talk to him about this- if he would rather avoid a difficult discussion with his ex than have food for your dc then I’d tell him that kills my support for him.
yoi can start another thread about how to claim the carers etc off her.

What financial arrangements do Mum and Dad have? And where does DSS live…does he live with you during the school week?

Well done to him for homeschooling. His son will greatly benefit from being homeschooled.

But he needs to pick up some work, Obviously routine is important to his son. But could he homeschool up until 1 or 2 and look for a part time job from 3 to 8 or 9 even a couple of days a week and maybe do a full day at the weekend.

I understand it depends on where you live and some people have to really fight to get their children suitable provision - but it's not always the case.

My grandson (7) got a EHCP/a specialist school place/diagnosis all within his first year in primary! (In that order...he was registered at ms but trialled a specialist school which became his permanent placement once he was diagnosed)

I realise from reading these posts he was really fortunate - but I'd hate for parents to be put off pursuing support because they assume they won't be entitled/it'll be a unending slog. My DD didn't have to fight at all. He went from not being able to complete a full hour in MS to never having a day off in specialist, he loves it - the difference is immense!

It's really shit that it's a postcode lottery and some kids aren't given the support my DGS has - the right placement really makes a huge difference.

If your DSS has only experienced mainstream op I wouldn't write off school just yet.

There's also a difference between school being unable to cope with the child, and the child being unable to cope with school.

Not wanting to be that person but surely you saw this coming? How did you both think you were suddenly going to pay for stuff if he dropped 40k a year?

anyway, homeschooling doesn’t have to be all day every day sitting at a desk. How old is the kid? He could do self guided work. No reason your husband has to sit over his shoulder every second.

Also, he could get his job back and pay for online school (at least part time) so his son has some structured lessons if that’s what he wants?

or he could work evenings and weekends? This all sounds a bit like he’s got the dad guilt because his son is struggling and the ex wife has thought woohoo I can get off Scott free here. Nope. Assuming the kid doesn’t need literal 24/7 supervision, Get dh back to work. Get the kid some regular classes and some regular online classes.

you can’t have your kids going hungry because he wants to play supertutor. We all want to give our kids the best education but food and provisions come first (for all kids, not just his kid)

There's also a difference between school being unable to cope with the child, and the child being unable to cope with school.

@AllYearsAround that's true.

For my DGS it was definitely a mutual thing - he couldn't cope with school and they couldn't cope with him!

I suspect the child's mother is at the end of her tether/ burn out and can't cope anymore. Hard situation all around

What is the contact arrangement with his mum? If he has quit his job to do homeschooling that sounds like he must have DS a lot of the time and should therefore be getting DLA and carers allowance? Why is DM getting it?

It doesn’t make sense that he home schools the child yet the mum receives the DLA for him.

His child needs to be added to you guys’ UC claim. You’ll then be able to receive the carers element and disabled child element through UC. The DLA should also be coming to you guys’s household so why does the mum take it? I don’t understand?

Some of the posters here are very over optimistic about school provision for autistic children. I wish I was still as clueless, instead of fight battles that seem to go nowhere with a local authority that refuse everything outright to avoid paying for anything. Plus the complexity of evidence and level of knowledge you need. We come from average salaries too, I can't imagine if you have nothing to pay for reports, advocacy etc how anyone gets anything. So many people home educating never set out to do this, it's just that there are no viable alternatives.

For your family, you need to discuss that home education does not need to stick to school hours. If his mum can have him a day or 2 a week, your dp can still fit educating around that. There are also evenings and weekends to work. Do make sure he looks into an ehcp and potentially eotas funding for future, as the boy won't always be 10. Once he has recovered from school trauma, he may manage group online tutoring while you work from home, or different provision. Also, universal credit is there as a safety net, so don't feel bad about having to use it.

It's a nightmare, it really is.
The reality is that a diagnosis does not automatically give you an EHCP.
The reality is that an autistic child is more likely to be anxious, unable to cope long-term and they'll start to school-refuse.
The reality is that Attendance Officers won't be able to offer a part-time timetable or make reasonable adjustments with mental health days/days taken to reregulate/days off with "autistic shutdown/meltdown" given as a reason.
They could sign it as medical but ime they don't.
Parents are screwed.
Teenagers become too strong/wilful/stressed and won't - cannot - attend.
The regret and shame that comes with this is heartbreaking.
Parents who are honest still get hit with an "unapproved" absence and/or told to get them in at break: exhaustion following a meltdown won't count either.
If forced to lie and attendance hits below 90/85% the threatening letters will appear.
Parents are being forced into home education - in my eyes it's similar to what "illegal off-rolling" used to be.
Without an EHCP I'm not even sure how much of any disability element you are entitled to (anyone who knows, please enlighten me).
"High-functioning" can be anything but.
And yes, you'll be judged by those who don't live with it.
Not just the scepticism, or the data that referrals have gone up 300% or the ignorance that we're all a bit quirky or the opinion that screens have done it (when it can often be one of the few chances for socialisation/solution to dysregulation) or that when (not if) you're late for work, there'll only be sympathy/empathy extended for a certain time...you'll be judged because everyone thinks they'd do things differently or have a magic way of forcing their child in by just telling them. It is debilitating.
That's before you even start me on the lack of self-care parents/carers often have and the impact on siblings.
Some of the responses on here, whilst unintentional, absolutely = tell me you don't have a kid on the spectrum without telling me/tell me you don't work in a school without telling me.

Are you for real? "Is he lazy?"

No he's not, he's home schooling his disabled child as school was crippling the boy. Lots of parents have to do this (usually the mum as previously mentioned by another poster) it does not make them lazy, it means they are trying to help their kid.

I get it's a massive wage drop and probably impractical. I'm not saying op shouldn't have worries or concerns - although I can't tell if it's purely financial worry or a weird pride/disdain for those on benefits, even in genuine cases. But stopping work to support your child is not "lazy".

Alternative provision may be the answer if his son has an ehcp. Have a look into what’s available in your local area. Contact sendiass for support. Could your partner get an evening job and work around you?

This!

All of this.

Just get an ehcp

Just go to a special school

Just find alternate provision

It's always gotten significantly harder to even qualify for an ehcp and not because the need isn't there.

Our ms school used to be able to do a lot but now they're basically withdrawn most support as they have to use the precious few resources they have on the children who have violent outbursts. Quietly suffering/ high functioning is just expected to cope and they aren't coping. They're being let down.

Presumably if the mum is claiming carers allowance she is also working very limited hours?

Like others have said what are the living arrangements. Seems to me that your DH should at the least be getting the carers allowance and the DLA money going towards the costs of home schooling.

Whats the situation with his EHCP and alternative schools have other settings stated they can’t meet needs?