Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

[mumwatchthis]

Hi guys
Just some advice if you don’t mind!
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, and we have two kids together. He has another son (aged 10) who from a previous relationship who was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He was getting so stressed out at school, that we (collectively as a couple, plus his Mum) made the decision to pull him out of school, with my partner taking the lead on homeschooling. Consequently, my partner left his full time job where he earned £40k+ a year. We agreed that we knew it would be tough financially and would bring extra pressure and stress, but would make it work and once they’d settled into a routine, he would look for a part time job at the very least. Let’s just say we weren’t financially secure beforehand, but we have muddled through. However, we are really struggling and I feel our other two kids are suffering as a result of this (their quality of life isn’t as good as it would have been if he was working), and he hasn’t yet found another job, with his excuse being that we wouldn’t be any better off (we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16).
Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him, and tell him I’m not completely happy with this set up and he needs to change it. If we didn’t have our kids, I wouldn’t be as bothered but it’s affecting their lives and I don’t see that was very fair.
Thanks!

How old are the other kids? Is it a temporary struggle due to nursery fees and will be more manageable once they're a bit older?

All of the children are equally important. What does the drop in income mean for them?

If your stepson can't cope in mainstream school, sacrificing 'nice to have' things like holidays and expensive treats makes sense. An education is essential, lots of other things aren't.

But if you are struggling to provide nutritious food, keep a roof over their heads, or adequately clothe them, something has to change.

The agreement you had was that he would get a part time job, so he should honour that.

Why are you hesitating to raise your concerns with him?

How on earth did you think you could drop 40k a year and not struggle? Did anyone actually sit down and look at the finances.

Okay, wow, loads to unpick here!!!

• I work full time in a standard job (from home), hence why the UC tops us up
• Dds has massively benefitted from the home schooling. We have looked into other provisions, to no avail, and sending him back to school is a no go.
• dp does loads round the house (cleaning, cooking etc)
• when I say we can’t afford things for the kids, I mean general every day things, like hobbies/clothes/even food sometimes
• dp has been OOW since Feb’24
• his Mum claims everything like carers/dla etc and does give a small amount to my dp. She won’t help with homeschooling due to “incapabilities”

What's your stepson's schedule? I.e. when is he at your house and when at his mum's house?

Ok this is the problem. If your dh has had to give up work, he is the carer and should be claiming the carers’ allowance. It would also give you a disabled child element and a carers element to your UC. So you’d be much better off.

Extremely naive when the man has three children, not one. You are picking up the slack.

So you’re missing at least 1500 a month, when you take into account DLA, Carers, and the UC top ups. Probably closer to 2k.

Hi Op
sorry you’re in this difficult situation!
maybe looking at things from a different perspective may help?
does your step son have an EHCP in place? This may help. If not, this may help with his return to education and his educational needs i.e 1to1 support, specialist equipment etc etc.
If he’s not going back into education, maybe look at portage to offer support.
by doing this, it might free up more time
for ur partner to work.
he could look at a working from home role when ur son is having support/ therapy.
even if your step son only attends a few hours a day, it would help x

This
Very few people I know could afford to give up work to home school

See, this.

Did something change? I'm not sure why you thought you'd be ok having £40k a year less. Why did you think that would be ok?

What’s the set up, date s with mum days with dad? If dad is doing the lions share he should be in receipt of the benefits I’m in a similar position, I have a disabled son and home educate. Yes we get dla and carers but it’s hardly a full time wage and it’s tough but pays off if the child needs it of course. The only work that works for me is self employed from home as I can do an hour here and there, probably not more than two per day just to top us up (can earn up to 150 a week and receive carers on top)

If child's mother is claiming the carers /dla, that implies the boy lives mostly with her. Does she have other children? Does she work full time?

I don't get this setup... How many days is he with you both? But the mum is getting the dla and carers?

Can't your husband work around the hours that he isn't homeschooling? I realise this is exhausting, I have a profoundly autistic son and have done this for years as we can't rely on one salary only.

Does he have his son 5 days a week? If not, as most do not home school 9-5, he can find a job around the time he has his son. He can work a few days a week at least as he is not educating his son 24/7 and 7 days a week,

Sounds like the mum is claiming all the benefits for his son, and he does not have that to top up the lack of job. Nor can he contribute financially to any of the 3 children.

do make sure to keep finances separate in so much as make sure you pay in your pension, do not lose out of you split due to his choice to not work.

How is it that the dad is doing the home ed and the mother is receiving the DLA etc?
That seems a bit unbalanced.

Does the ds live with his mother and only go to his father during school hours - which would also be unusual.

If your DH is doing all the homeschooling and day to day caring of your stepson then why is his mum claiming (and keeping) the DLA & carers allowance? That’s your issue there.

This sounds mad. You’d be better looking for a setting that would work for the child.. i might be naive but I am not convinced homeschooling is the best option for anyone tbh. It might be If extreme needs and no funding etc but if he has a diagnosis surely there is some extra provison for him somewhere??

The mum is partly responsible surely. Why is some of the financial burden not falling upon her? If she's the higher earner out of those two then fine if he's the home schooler, but she needs to put more money in. How can you just live with that big a drop? Nobody could. He can easily get some sort of shift work/WFH role. If not then the mum should pay more or some of the homeschooling and reduce her hours also. To allow him to work a bit. Maybe he's correct about the UC, so all the more reason she needs to help out.

If Ex is working and your H is doing the main schooling , health and caring duties that amount to over 36 hrs a week surely he should be claiming carers allowance etc? Does his son stay overnight in your home ?
It sounds as if these arrangements need to be looked at again , but I wonder if it was one of your own sons who was is crisis would your concerns be different.

It probably wouldn’t have been -40k as OP said they claim universal credit, and a guessing they didn’t when he was working.
So the income drop would’ve been less than 40k, once uc payments were considered. Obviously uc would mean they have less money though.

For those saying "get the child into a special school" - that's really hard, even with an EHCP. There aren't enough places and parents basically spend months, if not years fighting for specialist autism placements.

This are lots of children with autism who are home ed, as a result - because their autism is severe enough to prevent them from engaging with mainstream school education but not severe enough to win a coveted place at a suitable special school.

I don't really see what you are asking? If the kid isn't coping with school, I don't think there is another option? Your hubby can't just leave him alone all day while he goes to work! I would be pursuing why your step-son's benefits go to his mum though. Also see if you are entitled to any other benefits - DLA for him perhaps.

Apply for all the gov't aid you can and i think it's time to discuss your husband's ex-wife financially contribute as the financial strain has become more difficult than expected.