Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

[mumwatchthis]

Hi guys
Just some advice if you don’t mind!
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, and we have two kids together. He has another son (aged 10) who from a previous relationship who was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He was getting so stressed out at school, that we (collectively as a couple, plus his Mum) made the decision to pull him out of school, with my partner taking the lead on homeschooling. Consequently, my partner left his full time job where he earned £40k+ a year. We agreed that we knew it would be tough financially and would bring extra pressure and stress, but would make it work and once they’d settled into a routine, he would look for a part time job at the very least. Let’s just say we weren’t financially secure beforehand, but we have muddled through. However, we are really struggling and I feel our other two kids are suffering as a result of this (their quality of life isn’t as good as it would have been if he was working), and he hasn’t yet found another job, with his excuse being that we wouldn’t be any better off (we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16).
Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him, and tell him I’m not completely happy with this set up and he needs to change it. If we didn’t have our kids, I wouldn’t be as bothered but it’s affecting their lives and I don’t see that was very fair.
Thanks!

The boys mother is taking you for a ride.

So she's claiming all the boy's benefits while being completely unencumbered by his care for the working week.

Why would you stand for it?

Your partner either needs to commit to being the primary carer and having the benefits that come with it. Or honour the agreement you all made and get a part time job.

You need to have a serious conversation between the three of you- how long is this arrangement meant to go for? A year or two to get him back on track? Or until he graduates?

And how will it be funded?

You are carrying five people in addition to yourself with this set up!

Why do you feel unable to raise this with your partner?

If he was earning £40k, he wasn't bringing £40k home. After tax and NI he was probably bringing home 2/3 of that. Maybe also paying fares etc.

How much he can bring home working PT will obviously depend on his hourly rate. Sitting on a bike outside McDonalds waiting for Deliveroo orders is clearly going to impact on family life way more than a couple of hours a day tutoring kids online or checking people's tax calculations.

It's not a straightforward scenario

Have you looked at calculations for whether you would actually be better off with him working? There's no shame in claiming universal credit.

I have an autistic child. I was considering homeschooling due to the dire state of SEN provision but thankfully he managed to get a special school place. I’ve crunched the numbers and for us, we would be about the same if I didn’t work. I am only able to work as we are incredibly fortunate to have a specialist school place and both me and my husband have really flexible jobs. Essential since there is no wrap around care at school. If for any reason he didn’t have this school place, I would be forced to give up work.
So I think this is a horrible situation but realistically you can’t home educate an autistic child and work too. I just don’t think that’s reasonable. Nor do I think it’s any of your fault that school wasn’t possible. My only suggestion would be to try to fight for a specialist school place. So your OH and DSS’s mum can potentially juggle work around specialist school.

Well there are holes in this plan.
If he gave up work to do the home schooling and care, whilst his ex works or whatever she does, then he should be receiving the carers allowance and a portion of his DLA to meet the costs of materials that are required for schooling because he cannot attend mainstream.

Still, it would be a massive drop to income but that money could make a difference.. not sure how it would work with disability top ups on UC cos I'd assume that he's on his mums claim.

All a bit of a mess really, isn't it

What are mums capability issues that means she can't contribute to home schooling?

I'd also want there to be some actions taken to prepare the child to reenter traditional schooling.

Is he seeing a psychologist? An OT? What aspects of school can't be cope with?

Im sure this is my own lack of knowledge speaking- but how could he have been getting by undiagnosed until 10 if his presentation is so severe he can't go to school? He must have some capability and strengths, could you work with an OT to leverage them to help him cope in more challenging situations.

You might get more advice on the SEN board. My DC has a council home tutor as he's unable to attend school so is EOTAS. Your partner should be getting the carer's allowance and DLA and if that isn't the case, his ex needs to sort out tutoring using that money.

I'd like to know a bit more about the living arrangements and how the mom is contributing to his learning etc. I can't see why dad is doing the homeschooling and she's collecting all the benefits.

A full time education can be provided in about an hour an a half to two hours a day. By this I mean the core curriculum to a high standard. This is as much if not more than gets offered in a standard school day once all the extension stuff, faffing, breaks etc are taken out. The extension stuff you're likely covering through extra curricular stuff or the child's own interests.

Depending on the child's ability the hour or two of focused work may be fairly independent with the adult in more of a supervision role. Basically, it's not a full time role though I appreciate the child needs an adult in the home. It does take time to settle into a new way of doing things and to understand what's required. Many come to home education imagining a 9 - 3 not appreciating how little of that is 'work' Once settled your partner will hopefully appreciate what he's able to combine. If there's supportive family to child mind that makes a world of difference to HE and being able to work.

If your DP is doing the caring he should be getting the carers allowance etc. I'd be looking into this first and foremost.

• his Mum claims everything like carers/dla etc and does give a small amount to my dp
this is wrong, he's gave up his FT work yet she keeps all the £ for the child, what is the routine as to where child sleeps etc

So apart from claiming all the benefits what Is the mums role in this?
Tbh ss needs dont trump everyone else in the home if you are struggling to even feed your other children your dh needs to step up fast with a PT job or you need to urgently get an alternative provision in place for ss.

The DLA and carers needs to be in your partners name . He needs to sort that . Your children can’t be disadvantaged by this. If he won’t sort this , have you thought about leaving and claiming uc by yourself ? You can’t go with out food for this one Childs needs whilst the ex wife is sitting pretty !

Has the child got an EHCP? If not, apply for one now. Hopefully by next September, you'll either have a specialist school place or EOTAS. Either way, something that does not involve the highest earner stopping work.

I get it. My DD was undiagnosed for many years - Covid and lockdowns didn't help - and she burnt out 2 years ago, no traditional school since. But home schooling yourself is a last resort because of the financial impact. There's options but you need to fight for them, as they are usually super expensive for the LA.

It's quite common for kids (especially girls) who are autistic but academically able to go undiagnosed until late primary or transition to secondary. They can cope with the relatively simple demands of primary (one teacher, limited subjects, not too many transitions) albeit with a lot of masking. My DD was like this - it all went completely pear-shaped in secondary because she couldn't manage the demands of the much more complex school environment. Certainly where I live support for these kids is abysmal - the autism service diagnose and discharge, no support is offered. Her mental health has been so bad she's been out of school now for four years. We're lucky in that DH and I can alternate working from home, otherwise I'd have had to leave my job too.

So if sending him back to school is a no go, then what’s your idea?

You must have an idea of what the alternative is. Simply saying ‘this doesn’t work’ isn’t going to fix it change anything.

Does your step son live with you? If not how does it work? Is that why she keeps all the benefits such as pip?

What do you mean ‘incapabilities’? Do you mean she doesn’t feel like she can do it (which is fair enough many wouldn’t be able to) or do you mean something along the lines of her having a disability?

There are plenty of options for work outside of core school hours.

I'm assuming that both you and the child's mother are there to support with childcare and - where appropriate - with education (e.g. educational visits, sports activities and more alongside siblings).

While he might not be able to get a job earning what he was, if he wants to work there's plenty of part time work. A lot of it isn't glamorous (e.g. retail, call centres, admin) but equally if he's skilled in a particular area then there's often skilled part time work.

I don't think he's unreasonable to quite a FT job with a reasonably decent wage to do what's best for his son.

However, for the sake of all his kids it is unreasonable to not consider doing some paid work alongside homeschooling. Even if he's not better off doing so, working sets an example to kids about putting in the hours to have nice things. It's also far, far, easier to get back into a career at a later date if one has remained in even vaguely relevant work - even if it's very part time, even if it's more junior than one is capable of. He also needs to think about the implications of not working when it comes to NI contributions for the state pension.

In your shoes I'd be strongly encouraging him to pick up some paid work - for his own wellbeing and pride, to set an example to the kids, to show his support for you, and to make it easier in a few years when his son no longer requires home schooling.

Your oh needs to be claiming dla and carers for his son. You will then also get a top up on uc for this. I can’t see how you can do this otherwise. How is uc not insisting he works if yous aren’t? What’s the care arrangements if your oh is homeschooling him?
Maybe look at other school options like a unit rather than mainstream

Doesnt really make sense that he cant work at all.
As
He is 10 so baring safety issues he probably could watch tv etc with you wfh for the time he isnt home schooling.
I would expect with 1-2-1 dad onoy needs to do 2-3 days of actuao work with him rather than 5. Or at minimum could work evenings or weekends...
However trying to manage asd dc to do work can be exhausting or as i do getting them to school and homework done.

In real terms parents rosking earnings for a dc who perhaps will not benefit from the education - will DSS be able to work FT as an adult? Or will you all perhaos be supporting him as an adult.
Its probably only worth homeschooling if it makes a huge difference or the kid was suicidal etc.

Why didn't he just go part time at work? He surely could've put in a flexible working request and reduced his hours and maintained some income

Would online schooling be an option? There are quite a few around. My husband works for one called Milverton Education. They are private, I think fees are around £8000 a year.

Op, did you both not sit down and do the math to see if you can actually afford it ?

Clearly the child's mother claiming the benefits wrongly is the issue here, does DSS sleep at hers and therefore the DM pays no maintenance? For the sake of everyone your DP needs to sort this out.

However... you cannot force this child back to school to make your own life more convenient, there are certainly options such as EOTAS, the DM doing childcare for eg in the afternoons amd your DP doing teaching in the morning.

Many SS are not academically rigorous so I wouldn't peg your hopes on DSS going to one of those, he should have access to an appropriate education.

Ultimately having a child with SEN does mean earning capacity is lowered as a household, you may not want to but it looks like you will need to access UC

It's so hard. I left a highly paid career to look after my son around 3 years ago. I'd love to go back but I don't have the time and I don't think I'd be able to cope with work pressure, being a carer and the relentless chasing of services for my child.