Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

[mumwatchthis]

Hi guys
Just some advice if you don’t mind!
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, and we have two kids together. He has another son (aged 10) who from a previous relationship who was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He was getting so stressed out at school, that we (collectively as a couple, plus his Mum) made the decision to pull him out of school, with my partner taking the lead on homeschooling. Consequently, my partner left his full time job where he earned £40k+ a year. We agreed that we knew it would be tough financially and would bring extra pressure and stress, but would make it work and once they’d settled into a routine, he would look for a part time job at the very least. Let’s just say we weren’t financially secure beforehand, but we have muddled through. However, we are really struggling and I feel our other two kids are suffering as a result of this (their quality of life isn’t as good as it would have been if he was working), and he hasn’t yet found another job, with his excuse being that we wouldn’t be any better off (we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16).
Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him, and tell him I’m not completely happy with this set up and he needs to change it. If we didn’t have our kids, I wouldn’t be as bothered but it’s affecting their lives and I don’t see that was very fair.
Thanks!

Op, it sounds to me like homeschooling was the right choice for your DPs son. That doesn't surprise me, it's often a better option for certain kids, even more so than some kind of specialist place or school. Some kids just really flourish in a home environment.

Ideally the mother should be contributing financially to that, just as if you were sending him to a specialist private school. But, making that happen might be very difficult, or create too much tension.

I wouldn't hesitate in this situation to access state support of some kind, it's not really different than extra funds being allocated for him being in a special school.

From the other end, I think you need to sit down and pencil things out, including what you could expect from him working pt. And start to think about what you might do to increase your income.

People need to understand that with an 'classic' autistic child with sensory, behavioural issues as well as being non verbal means BOTH adults CANNOT work FULL TIME. Previously I could lob one child into pre-school club, bomb to work, pick up child and both can earn salaries. No nursery can/will take on a child with classic ASD, so both cannot work full time, so one parent HAS to either go part time or STOP their career completely. Having a disabled child is game changer. You will suffer financially as a consequence and the state will NOT help, you can get carers allowance and no UC if other partner works full time with decent salary.

If you need more money and would get it if he worked it’s not unreasonable to raise the issue and discuss it, but you can’t insist - it can be demanding home educating a child and don’t forget the child probably can’t be left alone at that age and struggling at school. Indeed a change in routine could be a huge stress (I am also autistic so have a good idea of that feeling though it varies for all). I also Home educate my son.

Are you at home and able to be there with your DSS and even contribute to home Ed? If he would be alone when your partner worked then it isn’t feasible.

I would suggest you try to put aside your feelings of not wanting to claim UC - this is the sort of situation it’s for and if you have worked so many years you’ve paid tax. Not claiming UC you need and are entitled to is like your house burning down and not claiming on your insurance but making do in a small flat you can rent. It’s ok to get help and besides you are saving taxpayer money by providing education for DSS. You may feel proud to make it ‘without support’ but you have paid into it so you did pay towards it already. Also it’s temporary as presumably your son will need less support/education when he’s older if he gets it now.

I wouldn’t cause any family member stress over this unless you’d actually get more income working that with UC, of a significant amount to compensate for the additional travel, childcare and emotional expense.

Have a discussion and also discuss income/expenditure and budgeting, as well as priority spending. What are your other children missing? Can you save alsewhere to provide it?

Don't let any child suffer disproportionately, ie don’t let the other 4 miss out if it can be voided but try not to resent one child needing more support in terms of being educated at home. I’m sure it’s hard with him being the only one not biologically yours if your biological children are making sacrifices, but the situation financially would be the same if it was a different child.

Good luck resolving

There may be a way to claim PIP for the child too? Probably should have said that in my own post but yours made me think of it

That's awful, you don't deserve that. I think the OP's concern may be that all this is for the sake of one child at the expense of the others. That said, if the child was sent back to a school that didn't suit his needs, that also could affect the other kids negatively too. It's a hard one, for sure.

Does your stepson live with his DM, your DP (it's not clear whether you live with DP) or split between? If she is claiming the DLA etc but DSS is effectively with DP/you for more of the time, I would suggest submitting a separate claim.

I came here to say the same thing. If he’s not working at all he can claim carers allowance if the son has DLA. If the do. Doesn’t have DLA then this needs to be in place too. However if you are claiming UC jointly the carers allowance would be deducted. But there is a carers element to be added and disabled child element to be added as long as the DLA is in place. This is unless the mother claims. Only one can claim. If the mother receives DLA for the child then she needs to be sharing it or passing it over if dad is giving all of the care.

On another note. Withdrawing from school role totally means the LA will not take any responsibility for education as you’ve opted for home education. If he is still on school role then I would work with the school to get an EHCP if he doesn’t already have one. If he does have one then the LA have a responsibility to either find another suitable school place or provide an EOTAS (education other than at school) package. This is often not possible if you’ve already officially off rolled him though. Contact your local sendiass for support if you need to.

Really if the son is not at school and can’t cope then he needs to be looked after along the time by someone. If your partner has made this decision to take full responsibility for this then your son needs to be on any UC claim at your home and not mum’s. And if even go as far to say mum should be paying maintenance unless she’s having him overnight more than you or equally. Even his child benefit should come your way. But it does depend on the mum’s situation.

Having home educated one of my DC myself, I really don't see why your DH had to give up work at all. HE does not have to take place during school hours. Also, as it's 1 to 1, it takes up a LOT less time than the school day.
You could (assuming mum is working during the day too) have DSS at home with you, while you work. Allow him to watch TV,use educational apps, build lego etc. Then, when DH is home from work a couple of hours focused on education, with a break in the middle for evening meal.

I felt a lot of guilt about not doing enough with my DD until I read this blog, which explains how much time is wasted (necessarily) in formal education settings.
https://monkeymum.blog/2015/09/13/time-is-precious/

Have you spoken to his inclusion officer? And or his liaison officer at the education authority? They may be able to help you find a better and more appropriate school placement for him that would allow your husband to work. It may take some time to set up but would in the end be worth it to get your sons provision right. He may need to be reassessed for that to happen and considered for statmenting. His parents need to get this all started with his education officer at county and then go through the stages to make it happen. I wish you luck and never give up!

Statementing doesn’t exist anymore. The more recent equivalent is getting assessed for an EHCP. Might not be possible now they’ve elected to home school. With looking into though.

Whilst I agree with you on principle, it might depend on the needs of the child and whether he can be left to watch tv and use educational apps pretty much on his own. Also if his mental health is that bad it is likely he might need some adult interaction during the day and possibly taking out places.

As a teacher the idea of home schooling my children would be hell. Covid was a struggle for my autistic child not having their routine. She really couldn’t be left all day to just watch tv and try app. She needed at that age to have had someone motivating her to keep doing things. Some of the children I work with have such high needs that they need 1:1 at all time. Some parents have pulled them out of school but are looking for help to support 1:1 at all times via social care direct payments and getting in a PA etc.

As a teacher the idea of home schooling my children would be hell.

Believe me, it wasn't my dream either. My DD was being so badly bullied, she was withdrawing in to herself. It was awful. The school would not take action. The mother of the bully was loudly claiming my DD was the bully. I saw the girl bully my DD with my own eyes. The final straw was when 3 so called adults and 6 children lay in wait for her on her walk home.
The schools answer was to allow the bully to leave early, just making them wait another 10 minutes for DD to my mind. They were handed the re-reg letter that day.

I get the child may not be able to be left unsupervised but I was offering a suggestion that might work. Also pointing out that HE doesn't have to happen during the school/work day. This often doesn't occur to people. I had so many people tell me my DD should be home learning at 10am, if we were out and about.

Why can't he get an evening/weekend job in a supermarket or similar?

I think it’s fair for you to put your foot down on this. You can’t expect your two kids to miss out on everything. I would come up with a compromise of his mum being responsible for him two days a week so your dh can work. If they won’t compromise you could consider letting Dh know he is responsible for financing him and his child. If you don’t pay for either of them except for food and house - not car or phone you can allow your kids to have hobbies.