Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

[mumwatchthis]

Hi guys
Just some advice if you don’t mind!
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, and we have two kids together. He has another son (aged 10) who from a previous relationship who was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He was getting so stressed out at school, that we (collectively as a couple, plus his Mum) made the decision to pull him out of school, with my partner taking the lead on homeschooling. Consequently, my partner left his full time job where he earned £40k+ a year. We agreed that we knew it would be tough financially and would bring extra pressure and stress, but would make it work and once they’d settled into a routine, he would look for a part time job at the very least. Let’s just say we weren’t financially secure beforehand, but we have muddled through. However, we are really struggling and I feel our other two kids are suffering as a result of this (their quality of life isn’t as good as it would have been if he was working), and he hasn’t yet found another job, with his excuse being that we wouldn’t be any better off (we claim universal credit which I would rather not have to do given I have worked full time since I was 16).
Am I being unreasonable to raise this with him, and tell him I’m not completely happy with this set up and he needs to change it. If we didn’t have our kids, I wouldn’t be as bothered but it’s affecting their lives and I don’t see that was very fair.
Thanks!

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat

Yes I am for real. A lot of men would give up full time work without picking up any slack in the home.

A 10 year old doesn't need constant supervision like a toddler, so I would expect the dad to be doing the lionshare of the household tasks.

Also there are disabilities and there are disabilities. Autism presents differently in different people. It doesn't sound like this child requires around the clock care and supervision- therefore I would want to know if the dad is actually being productive while OP is out being the sole breadwinner, financially carrying not just her partner but a step son she has no biological or legal obligation towards.

Absolutely you should be getting the DLA and Carers. What a cheeky fecker the Mum is. Your DP has given up a large salary. If she won't give up the benefits then she'll just have to do some home schooling herself, whether she thinks she's capable or not. It's not fair to put it all on one family.

Is your stepson unable to go to school due to anxiety, and if so could you get medical evidence of that? If you can, he would qualify for home tuition/EOTAS (education otherwise than at school) which would presumably make it easier for your partner to go back to work. Also, does he have an Education, Health and Care Plan?

I think we don’t can’t say who should be getting the child DLA.

The father may be ‘taking the lead’ on home schooling, but Op hasn’t actually said what that looks like. That could be the child living with op and her partner. Or him doing 2 hours a day at the mother’s home and the mother carrying all the costs.

Surely, when they agreed to Ops partner giving up work all this was discussed and agreed. I don’t understand if op and her partner carry the majority of the costs for the child and he was going to be earning no money, why they would agree to him quitting work to provide the majority care for the child plus most of the costs associated with this but that she could keep the DLA. It’s an insane arrangement.

This. Can you take legal advice so that you claim the DLA etc rather than your stepsons Mum?

I would be really angry if my children were missing out because of this - even if it was just “nice to have” things.

Going to read everyone’s comments in a moment but wanted to mention that this is a common theme in mainstream education. Schools consistently fail children with SEN, anxiety or school refusal, while parents often feel cornered into home educating because of course their child’s mental health/safeguarding has to take priority. Despite having little choice, parents find themselves financing everything, there is not even the basic provision of maths/english/science to access through the LA.

a) home schooling should be 50/50 in this situation with his ex doing half of it or at least 2 days a week.

b) parents need to urgently apply for an EHCP (DH can take the lead with applying, you don’t need school to apply).

3. please could you explain what the boy was struggling with? Anxiety? School refusal? Heightened behaviours? What ever made school inaccessible needs to be part of his EHCP application.

4. practical activities are very grounding for people with autism - forest school, DIY, cooking, arts, crafts, exercise. These activities all offer opportunities to socialise. If your DH joins your local Facebook home ed group he will discover local home ed activities and possibly other home ed dads. Mine all attended a farm school two days a week.

5. it may be worth trialing primary or secondary school with a part time time table. Mornings only or three days a week to make things manageable for him.

6. Alternatively a fee paying school might be the right thing if anxiety is the main thing he struggles with. Your DH could then return to a full time work. Public schools can offer smaller more nurturing classes (dependant on the school), Steiner schools and Home Ed provisions are also worth a look. Ask on your local Facebook homeschool page for provision possibilities.

7. can his grandparents baby sit one day a week each and do practical Living Skills activities like cooking, food shopping, bus transport, gardening, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, dog walking, helping in the community, watch documentaries. Your DH can cover the academic side on other days.

8. look at 14-16 opportunities near you, some local colleges offer a full time provision for home educators to sit GCSEs or Level 1 or 2 vocational diplomas. Avoid anything PRU like (with children still on role with schools unable to manage them ) as the behaviours maybe too overwhelming.

9. can everyone do a day with him so the load is spread. His ex, DH, you, both his grandparents. Maths and English (and other subjects) can be done online through self paced or live online courses. £2 tuition hub is very affordable but there are lots more online home ed provisions like this.

I was in a similar position as in mainstream school broke down for my dc and they did not attend school for two years. The difference was I did not offer to ‘homeschool.’ Did your dh actually want to homeschool or did he feel he had no choice?

In my case the local authority agreed to provide tuition and supervision from an agency five days a week. It wasn’t plain sailing and I lost my job during the whole process as I was a single parent BUT my dc did get a place in a special school eventually.

In a way the homeschooling takes the problem away from the local authority and you are left with no support and no way forward and as your stepson is 10 (my dc was 10 too) there is a long way to go in terms of education.

So your partner has his son 5 days a week, and the mother gets to keep all the financial support?

does his son need 9-3 home schooling? Could he do schooling from 9-12 and then his mum look after him in afternoons? Giving your partner 1-8 to work?

It seems to me to be very odd that you took this decision. You knew what the financial hit would be and did it anyway. There should have been a plan financially beforehand. Why didn't you all work out whether it was affordable first? There are other education options. My own dc were educated in specialist asd schools. It was a fight to get the right provision but it is possible.

I think it’s shocking that this is a discussion.

Things are simply terrible in SEN education.

The system does not work. Even with 1:1 the environment of schools are too large and scary.

They need to build specialist schools in cities with smaller classes and quieter atmospheres for the ND. The amount it will save on specialist care / transport etc is vast. There are huge disproportionate costs sending SEN kids hundreds of miles via taxi each week. There are specialist private provision charging £70,000 or more annually. So a disproportionate few who succeed at tribunal take chunks of funding leaving less for those in mainstream. Huge amounts wasted on tribunals and experts.

The system is inefficient.

The plan was for the father to work part time, and he's reneged on that plan.

He's unilaterally decided that OP should fund him, their two joint children and his own child from a previous relationship.

He should have got himself a part time job before removing his son from school and quitting his old job.

You can work pt and get uc.

I've not got time to read all responses. Apply for child DLA, carer's allowance and the child disability, and carers element on universal credit.

I do sympathise. It’s a tough situation, but you all agreed this. You can’t just pull the rug from under it now!

Those saying claim DLA and carers. The DLA is only awarded if they need significantly more help than a child without autism of the same age. It goes on needs, not diagnosis

It depends on how school was for him. I would have first considered another school or special school.

You would be right to raise it with him if you're concerned. However saying he NEEDS to change it sounds a bit much considering you agreed in the first place. I'd come from a point of these are my concerns, what do you think, what can we do?

They can’t always afford food for her children or the heating, going into winter. Thats not ‘these are my concerns’; that’s ’we are at a crisis point, and something must change very quickly’

If you were struggling before I would have thought it really obvious you wouldn't manage on over £40k a year less and it would mean a poorer quality of life for the other 2 DC. Why didn't the Mum and Dad agree to do 50 percent of the education of their DC each then your DH could have worked part time and it would not have impacted your other 2 DC as much?

Can DH take on a second child and get paid for homeschooling that child?

She agreed to him working part time. He's broken the agreement.

We know.

He’s in receipt of dla already, his mum is receiving it.

And if he’s unable to cope with attending school, I’d guess he does need more care than others his age!

You have a household of 5 to look after- how on earth did you think a drop in income of £40K plus wouldn't seriously affect your lifestyle.
It is likely to affect your ability to meet your non negotiable outings, it will definitely completely collapse spending on luxuries/treats.
You don't say if you work full time or part time, or how much you earn- but I think it is highly unlikely the decision to drop your income by £40K to be sustainable.
Taking an autistic child out of the school system completely, just because they are stressed (which will happen sometimes anyway even when home schooled) is an extremely radical decision, it cuts you off from support.
Obviously everyone wants the very best for their children, even if it impacts financially- but this seems like a very ill considered decision, especially as the autism diagnosis is recent- you have managed, together with the school to navigate the issues up until the diagnosis-what has really changed?
There are also your other two children to consider, with such a huge drop in income all areas of your lives will be affected, it is likely to cause resentment that only your autistic SS will be insulated from the changes.
You mention you though your partner would get a part time job- if he is home schooling he was never going to have much time for one-even if a suitable one were available, which is doubtful.

Now you have a diagnosis it is likely you could have accessed extra help from the school , or even moved him to a specialist one, unfortunately these are no longer options.

It’s a very difficult situation. Our child hasn’t started school yet but we’ve started looking and I can’t believe how hard it is to find a suitable place. His mum should obviously be helping though. Has he got/applied for an EHCP? Have they looked at special schools/schools with SEN provision? It’s not easy and waiting lists are long but it’s definitely worth starting the process if they think he would cope better in a non mainstream setting. It really depends on his needs and availability of the necessary schools though.