To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

But we’re in the UK so need to apply the cultural norms, as you would do in any other country.

The point is that it isn't all British people by any means. Just a significant proportion who seem to be trying to enforce it on everyone else and then accuse others of being "rude" if they don't comply.

That's almost exactly what she said, and was apparently about, rude, blunt, etc etc.

I would be a bit taken aback. But wouldn't give it much further thought.

Precisely!

I personally wouldn’t see that as rude, just to the point. I know some people do want a bit more of a performance though.

like…

‘Thank you for honouring us with your gracious and generous invitation to Gwens magical 1st birthday event. It is with great sadness, I must confess, that we very sadly cannot attend the event you have carefully arranged. Forgive me, please forgive me for having existing plans on the day of your Daughters birthday. Please let me take you both to DisneyLand to make up for it!’

You’re fine. Don’t give it a second thought. You didn’t tell her to piss off, you said you’re were busy.

It isn't what she said though. Just a few extra words massively change the tone of the message. The fact that you apparently can't see this doesn't mean that others won't.

You walked right into that one 😉

Rude

As I pointed out earlier in the thread, it’s just a few tiny tweaks in language which indicate that you don’t wish to be rude, eg “unfortunately” and the addition that you wish them well for the party.

So many people going fully nuts, impressions of "gushing" and "fakeness"

A more polite form of talking is not "gushing"

And it's certainly not fake or gushing to wish someone's baby a good birthday

Whatever you want to call it, it’s rude. Especially if you start the minute the person walks out of the room.

It’s gushing and fakeness when you typically don’t talk like that.

It's really not - it's just mirroring the social norms of the situation.

Everyone changes how they speak depending on the circumstances. It's normal - not fake.

@ArminTamzerian "That's almost exactly what she said, and was apparently about, rude, blunt, etc etc."

"Almost exactly" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here!

OP has made it quite clear that the remark was in response to the woman being asked how she knew OP. It's quite clearly an explanation as to why she hasn't bothered to pursue the friendship. Not bitching.

In more formal situations, of course. A casual text about a kids birthday party? I don’t think so, not unless you’re usually the gushy type.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm constantly changing how I speak depending on the situation. I wouldn't text a casual acquaintance using the same language I use with my best mate, just as I wouldn't speak to a paying client in the same way as I'd speak to my mum.

But then again,I also don't think it's "gushy" to be polite, apologise and wish someone well if you can't attend the event they've been kind enough to invite you to.

Exactly

It’s gushy to fall over yourself and use all these extra words saying the exact same thing if that isn’t your typical personality.

It isn’t rude to thank someone for the invitation but then say that you’re busy.

It could have been a bit friendlier…not sure I would go as far as to say rude but I wouldn’t ask you again as I’d think you were giving me I don’t wish to hang out with you vibes.

It's not "falling over yourself" to be polite and extend basic courtesy to people.

And sorry, but I do think it's rude to just say "thanks for the invite but we're busy". It's dismissive and doesn't extend any care towards the person who has been kind enough to invite you.

Saying "Hi Claire, thanks so much for the invite but unfortunately we have plans that day. I hope Olivia has a wonderful day though and thanks for thinking of us" takes about 30 seconds longer but softens the blow and is nowhere near as abrupt and dismissive.

I don’t think it’s rude at all. Especially because it’s just a text message.

Theres no need for a longer message. Some people are also naturally more abrupt just like some people are naturally more gushy.

Again, it's not "gushy" to extend an apology to someone and to wish them a good day when they've been kind enough to invite you to something.

I think you and I probably have very different ideas of what good manners are.

You're not German by any chance OP?

Clearly we do. There’s good manners and there’s falling over yourself to be overly formal and polite over a casual text about a kids birthday party.