To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

Bit blunt tbh

Nothing's wrong with not being bothered, but you don't show that to the person who was kind enough to invite you!

I think the trick with these things is to make it sound like you're sorry you can't make it. You managed to make it sound like really you'd rather not be there and that 'busy' was your excuse.

I think it's a text issue rather than that you were rude though, I think with texting it's very easy for things to be taken the wrong way so you have to ram your gratitude and politeness home.

Your message isn't rude but I would view it as a lack of interest and not reach out again. When I was a new mother, I invited a local mum out for a playdate. Her reply was 'Sorry I can't, I am busy'. I didn't think it was rude but could see she didn't want to meet up so I never contacted her again (and vice versa).

To give a better impression so that people don't think youre rude and decide not to bother with you, which is what happened here.

It's not that you were rude so much as you completely closed down the conversation.

Your response wasn't friendly so she chose not to be friendly again.

At that age the kids don't have friends so those early communications are about deciding ig you're a good mum-friend fit.

That's just a more waffly way to say the same thing. The meaning of the words is pretty much identical. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP irony is clearly lost on this woman if she thinks a factual sentence is rude but thinks it's fine to talk about people behind their backs.

Nope you weren't rude

Rude as just saying busy is a brush off

'we are busy'. It just sounds blunt. Like dismissive almost. Like someone asking you something and you're not listening and just reply 'no, I'm too busy'. With a wave of the hand.
You clearly didn't mean it rudely. It's odd she remembered such a brief interaction as well.

But honestly... an adult holding a grudge about this for months? Why should we all pander to these super-needy people who need loose acquaintances to gush at them in order to communicate a factual yes/ no? If anybody's ego is that fragile they need therapy rather than everyone else tiptoeing around their insecurities.

Agree. Tiptoeing around adults is exhausting.

'Thanks for the invitation, but I'm busy" means I'm busy.

It doesn't mean I'd rather watch paint dry than go to your child's party. If you think it does, that's you projecting.

Honestly I would have been a bit taken aback by your answer. It sounds like you rather not go to the birthday when just saying you're "busy". I would have answered with atleast

1. Thanking for the invitation 2. Saying I'm sorry we can not come 3. Wish the DC a happy birthday.

It doesn't take long to write this but so much nicer to receive than just sorry we're busy.

Uugh, that's so me, I write like that 🤭🤭🤭 I think i overcompensate by text as it can be so flat. So OP I think I would have found your response quite cold, tbh, but maybe it's a me problem 😅

It's also really odd to equate "direct" with "rude", as many people on the thread have done.

Direct communication is a good thing. It is clear, straightforward, honest. The problem here really does seem to be people projecting and imagining meanings that are not conveyed by the words then convincing themselves that this imagined thing that wasn't said is what must have been meant rather than taking the words at face value as communicating their defined meanings.

It's quite strange behaviour and very counterproductive to general communication, hence threads like this one or the "what did they mean by this?" or "how would you take this comment?" etc that pop up regularly, all of which would be completely unnecessary with more direct communication. People would save themselves a great deal of time and unnecessary fawning and waffling, second-guessing, angst over trivialities and misunderstandings if they embraced direct communication. The resistance to it does seem to be a perculiarly British quirk, and not an endearing one!

Neurotypical people can be extremely touchy!

It wasn’t rude but it was a bit brusque.

In that kind of situation I usually try and ‘flower it up’ a bit and be a bit overly friendly just so they know for sure I’m not being rude eg “that’s so kind of you to invite X, unfortunately we’re busy that day but hope the party goes well x”

That's just a more waffly way to say the same thing

Yes but language is important as different words used to say the same thing (ie can’t come to the party) can be interpreted very differently, as shown in this very post - especially when written so an apologetic/regretful tone of voice can’t be heard.

Also some people do use language passive aggressively. I remember once someone who didn’t like me said in front of my boyfriend “ I hear you’re coming to X’s party, that will be interesting”. I was so glad my boyfriend was there to witness as he totally saw and heard the pass-ag way in which the words were delivered, whereas if I’d just repeated the words he might have said I’d misinterpreted it. My point being that the “we’re busy” whilst it might be perfectly innocent, can also be interpreted as rudeness because people use language in different ways to make different points, so more “waffle” can help to eliminate alternative interpretations.

You mean "highly sensitive"? Yes, and that's not a bad thing.

Agree with majority that it wasn’t rude exactly but was abrupt. It’s more polite to show regret - ‘so sorry we can’t make it’ - a reason ‘we are away that weekend’ & good wishes ‘hope it goes well and Olivia has a great birthday’. It depends whether you want to be friends or not. If you do, it’s not too late to send a nice text about how lovely it was to see her, how great Olivia is at swimming & does she fancy coffee sometime. Otherwise just leave it.

Op I got taken into my manager’s office at my first job and told colleagues had complained that my emails were rude, because I would send something like ‘Hi John, could you call Mr Smith back on 123348877, he wants a price on x’ when apparently I should’ve been saying ‘Hi John, how are you, did you enjoy the football at the weekend, could you call Mr Smith back on 123348877, he wants a price on x‘ and I rolled my eyes, these were people I was in the same office with and I was chatting to over coffee, I rolled my eyes but from then I’ve remembered you have to add flowery bits in or some people read it as rude.

I agree with PP. It was a very -to the point- response, not exactly rude, but most people would message a bit more than that rushed reply I think. I know I would

I literally had to send the decline invite text yesterday. I don't know this mum from Adam really, other than the invites back & forth to each others children's parties! Particularly as that is the case I like to ensure I soften my response. This is how I responded and is typically how I respond in this context.

Hi X hope you are well. Unfortunately DD can't come to Y's party as she's already double booked. Hope he has a great time

This.

It’s a ‘thanks but no thanks’ message which obviously came across badly. More explanation would have been your friend.