To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

I'm autistic so that's the sort of "to the point" response I'd give, but a lot of NTs expect a full on gushing and apology-full response. Plus some mums love any excuse to gossip and bitch about someone else, I've found.

I wouldn’t lay it on thick like some of the pp but I might have said “unfortunately we are busy” rather than just “we are busy”.

we already have plans that day or
we are at a wedding/nephews party etc
are much better, 'busy' conveys doing everyday stuff you could could work around if you wanted to. But you don't want to

It doesn’t convey anything. It just means they are busy. It means exactly the same thing as we have plans.

I’m sorry but if you want to overthink a one sentence text then that’s on you.

I think it’s quite clear from the responses on here that social norms dictate that op’s response could have been a bit more polite. Whilst the inherent meaning (can’t come to the party) is exactly the same, the choice of words used can make all the difference in terms of how that message is received, especially in written form where tone of voice can’t be heard. It wasn’t rude but it was rather curt. It’s not just a case of one person overthinking it.

Were you certain it was you she was talking about? I think I'd have had to call her out if so, by saying "I'm sorry you thought I was rude, I hadn't meant to be" or something like that so she knew she'd been caught bitching about me when she was so nice to my face (but I'm petty like that)

I always say oh we're at xyz that day, it's such a shame, DS would've loved to come, I hope little Timmy has a lovely day.

No we're busy, is just a bit abrupt and indicates you're busy doing anything else other than going to yet another horrific soft play party (which sometimes we are)

This is the snarky passive aggression that English people have a bad reputation for.

It wasn't an elegant reply but not rude.

She is complaining about something indirectly, and additionally not to the person that she is complaining about.

I lived in the Netherlands for a while, they don't do any of these things and think Brits are disingenuous and untrustworthy because they are unable to be direct. It's the same in other countries too. And yet you're all so obsessed with the notion of people being rude if they don't be like you in this way.

Exactly @ArminTamzerian

In most cultures this gushy, fake language which everyone knows is disingenuous would be considered quite desperate and an indicator of dishonesty. It is manipulative to insist other people to pander to this need for ego massaging as if they're trying to soothe the overreaction of a toddler to something trivial and accuse them of being rude if instead they simply answer the question in a neutral and straightforward manner.

Apparently many of these posters do not! Or that in this respect British people are an outlier.

Not overtly rude, but quite dismissive in tone

A simple "see you next week" or "have a good party" wouldn't have killed you... it's never a bad idea to try to be nicer to people

I say this as someone who regularly gets pulled up as blunt and direct. The world works in the way it works and being friendly works.

She DID say thank you for the invite, and declined it politely.
She just didn't give a load of fake guff along with it that is apparently obligatory to Brits.

It's so fake. You're all just blowing smoke upmeach otherd arses then bitching behind each others backs, while congratulating yourselves in your politeness and great communication skills.

I'm an oversharer so would probably have said why we're busy, almost to justify why we can't come. But I don't think you were rude, just shorter than I am!

What's also interesting is the juxtaposition of requiring all of this melodramatic, exaggerated and fake emotion about deep regret for declining an invitation with the extremely inconsiderate behaviour exhibited in other ways like saying "let's meet up" then never arranging it, arranging to do something then cancelling at the last minute (with more spurious, clearly fake excuses) or simply not showing up at all, ghosting people rather than having a difficult conversation.

I believe all of these behaviours that are common amongst British people also result from this refusal to communicate in a direct way and all are far, far more rude than sending a factual response to an RSVP that isn't full of disingenuous expressions of regret about declining.

It's not terrible but I suppose if she had put herself out there trying to make friends (which, let's face it parties for babies are about the parents not the children)
And then got that response, it is very abrupt and dismissive so would probably have stung a bit.

But we’re in the UK so need to apply the cultural norms, as you would do in any other country.
Also “thanks for the invitation, unfortunately we’re busy that day but hope the party goes well” - which part is gushy? Which part is fake?

I’m not English 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

The OP wasn't rude. The OP was factual.
Any 'tone' was applied by the reader.

Please can someone direct me to the text/email-age etiquette guide I've somehow missed.

I wasn't taught by my parents how to write texts/emails (as a PP claims to have been) because I'm old enough that they weren't a thing before I left home.

When did we all decide we had to communicate via obfuscating subtext and outrageous disingenuous guff?

(I'm off to look for jobs in Germany)

I think this is probably the point. OP's response may or may not have been rude, but it was certainly short and to the point and discouraged any future conversation. Which is exactly what OP overheard the woman saying to her mum.

OP seems to have missed that this is not about her baby going to another baby's party - it's actually about another mum trying to make a connection with her. Which she has shut down.

Lol you have their terrible traits though.

The message wasn’t rude. Her bitching about you behind your back was rude.

The problem is the disapproval if someone does not conform to these cultural norms, which many people don’t even know about, and instead gives a straightforward and in no way offensive answer.

This is the type of rudeness some people (no names, obviously…) probably have a bad reputation for.

Whether or not you think the message was rude, the mother of the birthday child clearly thought so, so I don’t understand why you and others call it "bitching" to say what she thought to a friend. As for "behind your back" - are you really saying you think it would have been better for her to say to the OP "I thought your message months ago was rude"? Don't you ever tell a friend your negative opinion of someone else?