To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

If you struggle writing replies to things then AI is the answer - Copilot and ChatGPT will help smooth emails out to make them less brisk.
I have found it useful.

Of course not, but it's a social nicety to pretend isn't it?

You always say 'oh great, we'd love to join'.
Never 'Oh FFS! I suppose we'll have to come, but another Saturday spent at a kids softplay? I can't think of anything worse!'.

No-one enjoys kids parties. But to break a social convention is typically considered rude.

Like how you always say a baby is lovely even if it looks like a gargoyle.

It's actions, not words.

We had training at work about how different people communicate and how some people are just super direct and factual and others are all about feelings. It's not that one is bad and the other is good it's just the way different people see the world. I think this was really helpful as I don't read into nuances nearly as much as I might once have done.

People will show you their true colours, not in the way they say things but the way they behave.

I think it's clear from the OP it was a while ago.

How do you know she was talking about you and not someone else? Did she mention you by name?

She's the rude one gossiping. Just stay clear of her tbh.

It was sort of rude. I mean you said thank you but it was too blunt.

You weren't rude, but I don't think 'we're busy' is a great response either

we already have plans that day or
we are at a wedding/nephews party etc
are much better, 'busy' conveys doing everyday stuff you could could work around if you wanted to. But you don't want to.

if she didn't realise you'd river heard you & still want to be friends then I'd would send her a text. I'm sorry you thought I was rude the way I replied to x's birthday invitation. I was pressed for time, but I wanted to let you know asap for numbers. We were away/at x/doing y (if you had a good reason not to go) & regretfully couldn't come.

but if you're not bothered about being friends, just roll your eyes & let her crack on holding petty resentments!!

are you back to your usual class next time?

Yes, I agree with this. Your reply sounds as if you were annoyed that she invited you.

You should have said that you would have loved to come, or something like that.

She maybe saw that as blunt. While I like, and don't mind, 'to the point' I've come to learn that overly polite is often safer. She was nasty to bitch about you though - your reply wasn't overly rude.

Thanks for this … it’s helpful.

I think her mum asked if she knew me and then she said something like ‘I invited her to Olivia’s party but she was quite rude in her reply so I didn’t really try to message her after that’, I can’t remember exactly but something like that.

I can see why she thought your response was a bit rude, sorry OP! Objectively your reply was just to the point which means it should be fine. But there are expected social niceties, especially with people you don't know well, and you didn't meet those.

As PPs have said, not rude per se but definitely more abrupt than I would have been. Not qualifying "busy" makes it seem like you just didn't want to go. Likewise, it wouldn't have hurt to say something generic like "Hope X has a lovely time".

It was short OP but not rude. As PP have said flowering it up a bit would have been nice.

But this is a reflection of our fast paced world today, we send messages quickly as we're doing other tasks and can not release how they may come across. I now put time aside to sit and reply to messages in the evening unless they are urgent ones during the day. Can help avoid things like this.

Why the need to gush?

Yeah it’s not so much that it’s rude but I think you need to play the game a little bit with mum friends that you don’t know very well.

Yeah to be honest I’d have probably felt a bit like that. I’d have probably assumed you weren’t particularly arsed about any of it so I wouldn’t have bothered again.

Some people cannot cope with directness. Not your fault OP. I would probably have added "hope 'kid's name' has a lovely day" or similar. But you shouldn't feel bad you were not actively rude.

So as not to appear rude.
It is a cultural expectation to not be quite so succinct.

@TeenToTwenties that depends on your culture doesn't it.

Also OP she sounds touchy and probably a bit of a PITA expect you dodged a bullet there.

It is a little brusque and implies that the invite is well down on your to do list. A little sugar always sweetens the medicine.

I'd have added we'd have loved to have come said what we were doing and ended with hope Olivia has a great party and birthday.

OP, I am autistic and thus have learned there are rules about messages like this. They can be short but it is important to express regret and/or good wishes - ie afraid we can't make it but hope you have a great time! IME the above works very well - some people need more greasing than others when it comes to social interactions.

It's not gushing to be polite

It was a bit abrupt. 'Busy' is not much of an excuse. 'We are going to my cousin's birthday party that afternoon' or 'we're away that weekend' would be better. You weren't rude though. At least you replied; not everyone bothers nowadays.