To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

I think you were abrupt rather than rude

Of course it wasn’t rude.

Talking about someone the minute they leave the room certainly is though.

Wouldn't hurt to say that you hope X has a lovely day

I think her manners were worse for slagging you off. You gave an efficient answer, not fluffy but not rude and definitely better than not bothering to rsvp which is mega annoying.

I think you’ve probably had a narrow escape as she sounds high maintenance.

@oldwornstuff

Not rude really, but as pps have said, 'I'm really sorry and my son would loved to have come, but unfortunately we have plans' would have been better, rather than just 'we are busy.' She has overreacted though, and the fact she mentioned it to her mum some months after the event suggests she is dwelling on it, and holding a grudge. I think I would have a word with her if I were you, and say you can't understand why she thought you were rude as you did thank her, but you're sorry if she was offended.

What WAS rude, was when I invited around 20 of DD1's friends and classmates to a Wacky Warehouse party, - she was 6, and all the children were 5, 6, and 7, they all said yes to coming (or rather their mums did!) Except one - Lana. I sent her mum a text and said 'is Lana coming to Lucy's birthday party next week?' She rang back and said 'no Lana isn't coming. Wacky Warehouse is far too babyish and childish for her.' Lana was 6!

Really rude. Could have just sent the RSVP back with 'sorry, can't make it.'

Lana and Lucy are fake names obvs.

.

I don't think she was slagging OP off. It sounds like she made a factual statement to a question her mother asked her.

I'd also suggest that "rude" in recent years has been redefined to mean "any behaviour I dislike", so by that defnition pretty much anything can be "rude".

OP's response may or may not have been inherently rude, but it certainly discouraged future communication. Some of this is a problem with messaging - that you can't read "tone". If OP had said precisely the same thing face to face, it would have been a lot more acceptable.

As others have said, it sounds a little abrupt and not very warm but not rude as such.

Baffled at you not wanting to wish someone a happy day though. Don't get that logic at all.

I think your message was a bit blunt/abrupt.

But I don't think it's gossipy or rude for her to be explaining it to her own mum either. It sounds like a completely factual account of what happened.

I wouldn't give it another thought. Unless you would like to be more friendly with her if you will see each other every week

No. It's not FACTUAL that the OP was rude! She thanked the woman and said 'we can't come because we're busy.' A bit of short message, but not rude.

Rude would have been not turning up, and not being arsed to let her know you're not going.

I personally wouldn't find it rude. I think it's rude to not reply to an invite.

I've turned down invites before but with a bit more padding - "Thanks for the invite, X would love to attend but unfortunately we already have plans that day. Hope Y has a good birthday. "

I don't think the word "busy" is the problem, it's more that your reply was very short and brusque.

If someone declines my invitation, I don't need a list of reasons and a copy of their itinerary; it's not a jury citation. Expressing a little bit of regret softens the blow, though!

Thanks for the invitation but I'm afraid we're busy that day. Sorry to miss it - hope Lottie has a lovely birthday x

If it’s causing you concern OP, this is a very good message to send.

You thanked her for the invitation and said you were unable to go as you were busy. I don't think you were rude and I think these social conventions people are mentioning aren't necessary. The more explanations you give the more likely people are to try to change your mind. How she reacted to your message was her responsibility.

She's rude to hold onto this and discuss you behind your back. You're better off not engaging any further with her.

I'd find that rude. It doesn't matter what people think on here anyway though. The mum thought it was so if u were you I'd try and be really friendly if you can do she knows I it wasn't intentional.

I think the text was a little on the blunt side, and could be interpreted as rude (even though that wasn't your intention).

I probably would've written 'hi, thanks so much for the invite to the party. Unfortunately we have other plans, but I hope kid has a lovely day'.

A bit sickly, but just makes it sound like you're grateful for the invite.

Factual from the other woman's point of view. She found the message quite rude so didn't follow up with the op. I think that's fair to be saying to her mum.

It wasn't an over dramatised OMG she was such a bitch didn't even come to the party.

It can be a fact that someone perceives something as rude. Whether that was the intention or not.

But you don't have to say that. All you need to say is

"I would have loved to come but unfortunately we ...".

It really isn't difficult to be polite.

Not rude as such, but abrupt.

A "sorry we won't be able to make it, hope the party goes well and you all have a lovely time. Maybe we can meet up for a coffee before/after it for a catch-up" would have gone down better.

Saying you're busy is what people say when they don't want to do something! So yes, it would come across as somewhat rude!

Saying unfortunately you already have plans that day is more polite.

You weren't rude. I might find have found it a bit cold if that was the reply I got from a close mate I'd invited out, but not an acquaintance I knew vaguely from a group.

Not overly rude but a touch abrupt.

Yes it's rude and sounded like you couldn't be bothered to go anyway.

What's wrong with that? It's an invitation not a court summons.

It comes across as rude, which the OP was asking about and the other person thought she was also.

Definitely brusque, and could easily be seen as rude, I'm afraid.