To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

I agree I think you can be more short/blunt with people you know really well - I'm always extra effusive with people I don't know - that's the rule! Lots of exclamation marks and kisses for the unfamiliar mums.

It was abrupt. I'd have thought you weren't very well mannered and we had less in common than I'd thought/hoped.

Thank you for the invitation. We would have loved to have been able to come but unfortunately have a clash. I hope xx has a lovely birthday.

"Thanks for the invitation, we are busy" whilst getting the message across that you can't go also infers you have no investment in a continuing relationship. No disappointment expressed, no justifiable reason given, no wishes for a happy birthday/successful event.

I think what the OP reports overhearing her say was perfectly fine to be honest - certainly no more rude than the OP's text anyway! It was honest, straightforward and exactly how many others would have felt.

It was a very abrupt message. For a party invite I would have said something like "Thanks for the invite but I am so sorry we have plans for that day. Can we get the kids together for a playdate another day and catch-up?"

A "thanks but we're busy" just shuts down any possible follow on. If I had gotten that message I'd think you weren't interested in any further communication/meet up etc.

We don't know the context to the other lady's comment though - OP just overheard a snippet of what was being said.

I do think it's a bit odd to still be bothered months later though, I have to say. It's not like OP told her to fuck off, lol.

I’m out of the school runs now, but I was so wrong - I assumed the opposite. I thought it would come across weird and creepy if I was over-familiar!

FFS.

@oldwornstuff it is a little blunt, not rude though. And certainly shouldn’t warrant her describing you as ‘so rude’. I’d have actually had to say something because her saying that could easily end up with you having a somewhat undeserved reputation. For all she knows, you were rushing doing 23 things at once but wanted to let her know so she could make the space available to someone else. It is a problem with texts generally that after the fact sometimes you think ‘oops, that came out wrong 🫣’

Not exactly rude, but showing a bit more gratitude and regret would have been nice.
Could it be that she interpreted "we are busy" as "we have lots going on in our lives and this isn’t important enough for us to come", whereas you actually meant "Unfortunately we are busy that day and already booked up"?

I hate it when people say oh sorry we're going xyz, we're busy is fine.

I'd have to message and say you heard her.

That’s what etiquette guides are for — though I was taught by my parents and I have taught my own children.

Standard party decline is a variation on: Thank you for the invitation to X party. I’m sorry I won’t be able to come but I have a prior engagement.

You do n’t need to go into great detail about the prior engagement, especially if it is actually watching television or indeed eating your dinner off the pavement. You just give the impression that you would be there if you could and it is unfortunate that you can’t.

Really? That's a big emotion for someone saying 'Sorry, we can't make it we're going to a Christening'!

Why do you hate it so much?

It's a bit short, but it's also odd that she still remembers and comments on it. I tend to be a bit more wordy when declining an invite, something like "Thank so much for the invite to X's party. Sorry we can't make it, it's my mum's birthday (or whatever) otherwise we'd have loved to come. I hope you have a great time".

It's just part of the social fluff that keeps things nice
I always put a kiss to avoid looking harsh in text, and also would say something like "hope they have a lovely birthday". You weren't rude though and it doesn't take a lot to be labelled rude, but also it's easy to avoid it too. Texts have no tone or voice

Move on, forget it, deffo don't text. It's gone.

Move on, forget it, deffo don't text. It's gone.

And then you face passive aggressiveness - like this woman being referred to as ‘rude’ behind her back - if you inadvertently break a rule 🙈

Makes me wonder what people say about me behind my back 🤣

You definitely weren't rude. But she was rude to discuss you with someone else and badmouth you. That's nasty.

How on earth has this woman been 'passive aggressive'?? She made a comment to her own mother without knowing the OP could hear her, and the comment itself was just a reasonable and straightforward statement about her interactions with the OP. I'm struggling to see how you could describe that as 'passive aggressive' in any sense.

Ever noticed how people talk stuff up as soon as they get an audience? Sure there is a sound psychological reason for it, it’s like thoughts amplify when they hit the air. Or maybe she just felt a bit like getting some attention or sympathy off her mum. Or sometimes people work best together in negativity/slagging others off.

I wouldn’t worry about what you said, was to-the-point, and it’s too late anyway unless you have a time-machine. Probably safest to err hereafter on fluffy in messages regarding kids. If you actually care what she thinks or think it best to stay on her good side for whatever reason, you could say next time - ‘hi I’m sorry we couldn’t make it to Lily’s party, how did it go? It was lovely to be thought of.‘

If she wants to hold a grudge she will, who knows why people need so much pandering to around their own affairs but it seems to be that way.

You could just say next time you’re chatting -
drop into a conversation that you’re not a big texter & find it hard to convey yourself with words, say you prefer talking as communication.

Yeah this!
Not a reply I would personally sent and tbh if I received it I would think it sounded almost as if I've bothered you by asking.
'were busy thank you!' def sounds a bit brusque and irritated at best and rude and socially inept at worst

You could also invite her over for a baby play date and say that it’s a nice chance to catchup after you couldn’t make it. Prepare some treats or have a small gift. If you’re really worried.

Bit blunt.
Especially if you don't know someone that well.
I'd have said something like...

Thanks so much for thinking of us! We would love to have come, but unfortunately we already have plans that day. Hope swimming-friend has a wonderful birthday!
OP and child X X X

Yes it's a bit more long winded, but it takes one minute and it's just more polite / appreciative

🤷🏻‍♀️

Or just send politer texts in future?