To ask if you think I was rude?

[oldwornstuff]

Mortified if so.

Took my DS (16 months) to a swimming class this morning. We normally go to a different one but he was unwell last week.

A woman was there who was in the same swimming class when DS was a baby with her DD. I greeted her and she seemed pleasant and smiley.

in the changing rooms I went, said goodbye but then realised I’d forgotten something so went back in and heard her talking about me to her mum saying ‘she was so rude when I invited her to (DDs) party.’

I looked back through my messages and she did invite us to a party which was run by a baby sensory lady. I had replied saying ‘thank you for inviting us but we are busy.’

Was that rude?

Yes, I would find that rude. It's a clear 'you are not important enough to bother with' brush-off. I have quite a thick skin and am generally forgiving of social faux pas but I would think you very rude for that response.

Agree. I wouldn't be too bothered.

Depends on your culture. Mine doesn't feel the need for unnecessary fluff and filler. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thanks for the invite but we're busy is fine

Meh, I cannot be bothered with it all - so tiresome and self involved.

It literally means
"We are busy but thanks"

What happened to the mumsnet usual response . "No is a complete sentance"

It’s customary to express some regret when turning down an invitation. Also ‘We’re already booked up that day’ would have been preferable to ‘we’re busy’ which sounds as if you can’t even be bothered to make up a prior engagement. So, yeah, a bit rude but it was a long time ago and you’re obviously not friends or especially want to be. I wouldn’t worry.

To be fair if I’d just said no I think that would have been rude.

Not for a social invitation though!

Exactly. Honestly. People here may say you were rude but you really weren't. 😊

"We are busy"
That's her reason. They don't need much more.

Same. I literally had a response from a friend today that said,

"That's not a good day for me. Let's check the calendar."

Coffee catch up. Fine. No need for the faff and gushing.

English culture is such a minefield.

The whole "No is a complete sentence" is so utterly cringeworthy - nobody IRL actually speaks like that and thinks it's acceptable.

It's not hard to apologise for not being able to attend and add a brief "I hope X has a lovely time". You may see it as fluffy or flowery but for many people, it's just manners 101.

I can see why it looks abrupt, I’ve always avoided the ‘I hope X has a great time’ as I absolutely hate that when people do it to me. Like yeah I will have a great time partying on my own as you’re all busy!

Same here. I’m not naturally flowery. It took me a while before I realised I was the only mum not adding kisses at the end of texts 😫

But you're not saying "have a great time without me" you're saying "I hope X has a lovely birthday".

It really is a mine field. Everything is rude it seems and everyone gets so het up about everything. It's evident on here how hard people make some social interactions.

Sorry but I’d definitely view that as rude, it was her child’s birthday not an hour play date at the park. You could have been much less abrupt about it, she obviously thinks enough of you and your child to invite you, but she doesn’t even seem to exist on your radar. I would have said the same thing about you if I had been her.

Yes you were rude. Social niceties go a long way. You weren’t super rude, but just normal levels of Dutch or German rude 🤣

How is it a minefield? Adding "I hope X has a lovely day" to your response isn't exactly difficult, is it?

Do you think it would be perfectly normal and polite to just reply 'No' if someone sent you a party invitation? I have not ever personally endorsed the 'no is a complete sentence' mantra, but certainly I don't think it would be appropriate as a response to a party invitation - unless you want to be absolutely sure that the inviter thinks you're an arsehole and never bothers with you again??

'We are busy', without any sort of explanation or good wishes comes across as 'we don't want to/can't be bothered to come', I think. Clearly that's the message the inviter took from it anyway. The world of play dates/mum groups etc does come with a degree of 'flowery' language and social niceties that feel quite unnatural to me sometimes (I am a naturally blunt sort of person) - I have had to learn to navigate it and I still think very carefully about the tone and content of messages I send to mums that I don't know well. It is a minefield!

I wish there was a hand-out with all these rules!

OK, so this makes it sounds like she was someone you hardly knew and had no pattern of messaging with.

I'd happily send your respons to many friends, but for someone getting in touch for the first time, it sounds a bit like a brush off and, I too, wouldn't rush to get in touch again.

If somome replied to me 'no I'm busy thanks for invite" as op did I would accept that. I don't need to know why 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn't have found it rude, but it's not the most socially 'safe' way of declining an invitation, and some people are more sensitive than others and those people would have found it rude.

Saying something about how you would have loved to come but have a prior commitment, unfortunately, and then some guff about how maybe you could arrange a playdate sometime would have been the best way to reply.

i wouldn’t have found this rude but I can see why she might have done felt you were a bit brusque? think she was a lot ruder for talking about you behind your back and making such a big deal out of a non event.