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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the man to pay?

131 replies

ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:12

I have recently started seeing a wonderful man. He has asked me if I would like to go away for a weekend with him. A wonderful idea, as it means we can spend some time getting to know each other away from children etc... Except, I think he wants me to pay for the hotel - surely that is not right

OP posts:
pleasechange · 28/04/2008 17:13

I would expect to go halves. YABU to expect the man to pay, but he is BU is he is expecting you to pay!

nametaken · 28/04/2008 17:14

What makes you think he expects you to pay? Have you discussed costs?

aGalChangedHerName · 28/04/2008 17:14

Think you should chip in tbh. Thats what i would do anyway.

Freckle · 28/04/2008 17:14

If he invites you, then he should pay. If it is a weekend break which you have both discussed, then costs should be shared.

Heifer · 28/04/2008 17:14

50/50 would seem fair to me - unless of course he offered to pay for all of it..

MrsMattie · 28/04/2008 17:14

You can't expect him to pay. Only go if you can afford to pay your own way the whole time (hotel, meals etc) and take it as a nice gesture if he offers to pick up the bill at any point.

aGalChangedHerName · 28/04/2008 17:14

Think you should BOTH chip in

tissy · 28/04/2008 17:15

I think that 50/50 would be reasonable, unless he is loaded! A weekend away would be avery expensive gift if you don't know each other very well.

Hecate · 28/04/2008 17:16

Yes. You are being unreasonable to expect him to pay for everything. Those days are looooooooong gone! and rightly so!

50/50

tis only fair.

zippitippitoes · 28/04/2008 17:24

gosh of course you split it 50/50

why would you expect him to mpay that is just weird

and the same for any dates etc

the only things you wouldnt split the cost of would be dinner ast home tho if you bought the food and drink together id expect to plit that too

needahand · 28/04/2008 17:24

hmm I don't know about that one. I understand why the others say 50/50 and usually I would agree but it really depends how the cost issue was brought up.

I would look for signs of him being a cheapstake or for signs of him not wanting to invest in your budding relationship (I would read more into this than just the financial side of thing: I would think he doesn't want to get emotionally involved with you). If it is the case that he genuinely can't afford it then perhaps you both could do something local.

I don't know why but this would ring warning bells for me, but I am probably too suspicious.

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:24

It was his suggestion, and he also suggested we get a hotel as it will be nicer than a B&B. I would presume that as he suggested, he would pay. But, he went on to say: I am free on these dates, take a look at hotels and book when you are free, to which I agreed, thinking. So did I then agree to pay? Today I asked who is paying, and his reply was that we can sort something out. Which is fairly nondescript and non-committal in my books, but perhaps he is being polite? I haven't dated for years, so I am no longer sure of the rules. Anymore advice MNers?

OP posts:
Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:26

If it helps, we are both of the prep school set, which might change his and my perceptions of 'the rules'

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 17:27

I think it's acceptable to ask to share... Why are you against the idea?

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:27

needahand - that was my main concern, not about the money, but about what it says about how he views our relationship

OP posts:
Chequers · 28/04/2008 17:28

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 28/04/2008 17:28

whats the prep school set

do you mean you are both loaded

i dont see that makes any difference

Chequers · 28/04/2008 17:29

Message withdrawn

Hecate · 28/04/2008 17:29

OH NO DO NOT GO with that response! You need to have a firm agreement beforehand - if you book it you will have to give your card details at that point, so you'll be left with getting half back from him. No, I'd say insist on agreeing that upfront - and getting his half of the cash too! - you say you don't know him that well. All the more reason to make sure he pays his way and doesn't use you as a meal ticket.

If I were you, I'd find out the prices and say "it is going to cost £X, I will need your half so I can book it."

DaddyJ · 28/04/2008 17:30

How long have you been dating for?

If you are still in the 'courtship' phase
then, yes, I would expect the guy to at least pay for transport and hotel,
particularly when it was his idea!

pagwatch · 28/04/2008 17:30

Why don't you just ask him? I would rather say something like " can we sort this out now - I don't want us negotiating about the bill when we check out and obviously I need to work out what i can reasonably afford to spend"

I don't know about how up to date i am in terms of these kind of dates ( married nearly 20 years) but it is kind of funny that you are planning a hotel break together but the subject of the bill is the bit that is awkward . Don't you know him very well

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:31

Zippi, no not that it means we are loaded, but that, in my experience, old school rules still apply to all other social occasions, so why wouldn't he want them to apply here.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 28/04/2008 17:31

well if you dont trust him to pay his half to yoiu i wouldnt be planning oin shagging him in a hotel

Chequers · 28/04/2008 17:31

Message withdrawn

pagwatch · 28/04/2008 17:32

And my DD is at prep school and I am not aware of any 'set'.
What on earth does that mean?