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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the man to pay?

131 replies

ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:12

I have recently started seeing a wonderful man. He has asked me if I would like to go away for a weekend with him. A wonderful idea, as it means we can spend some time getting to know each other away from children etc... Except, I think he wants me to pay for the hotel - surely that is not right

OP posts:
WilfSell · 28/04/2008 18:03

I am bemused. He asked if you wanted to go away somewhere didn't he (not 'he wanted to take you away')?

You want to go, no? You said he was 'wonderful'?

What, exactly, is the big deal about you paying half?

I think if you have a big frank discussion you will send him off running away as fast as he can and kill all the magic.

Is that what you want?

Dropdeadfred · 28/04/2008 18:03

tell him when you are available...say 'thank you for suggesting this, it's a lovely thought. By way of thanks I shall treast us to a lovely dinner one of the nights...?'

needahand · 28/04/2008 18:04

yep agree with Chequers (lol at the needahand/chequers mutual appreciation society)

tight= selfish = rude = emotional issues etc etc

Elizabeth I bet you wished you had realised before getting involved spending money/time how tight he was?

pagwatch · 28/04/2008 18:05

Yes - just say I have loked at blah hotel. the room is blah and breakfast is included but we will want dinner of course so how shall we split this? Would you like to pay for the room and i will get dinner. Or shall we just split the bill. what suits you?
If he says anything wishy washy then just tell him no you need to sort it out now for aorementioned reasons

And his response will tell you lots. Hopefully he will say "don't be silly . It was my suggestion and its my treat"
fingers crossed

lou33 · 28/04/2008 18:05

can't you just say to him, that before anything is booked you need to know who is paying for what, and that you want to clear up what kind of relationship he will be hoping for when you are away?

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 18:05

Thanks Zippi
(and just for note, the euphemism refers to my family, and is a play on 'old school'. Neither I, nor my children went to a prep, but, both he and I come from well known old families.)

OP posts:
pagwatch · 28/04/2008 18:06

ooh no - scratch that. Do what drop dead said. genius

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 18:07

..Oh, a few more suggestions - gosh I am slow at keeping up!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 28/04/2008 18:09

i honestly dont think splitting costs means he is tight it is just equality and fairness and means nobody gets confused or feels they are taking advantage of the other either financially or sexually

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 18:11

I like dropdead's suggestion. ...I am concerned about becoming a high class prostitute so it will need addressing before anything is booked.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 28/04/2008 18:12
Grin
Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 18:13

I can see that splitting the costs would prevent either of us feeling like a prostitute (perhaps he is worried that I will only see him as a holiday/sex ticket...). I am not used to talking about money - this is going to be a new lesson for me!

OP posts:
WilfSell · 28/04/2008 18:15

I actually think pagwatch's approach is easiest to manage, then you're not making assumptions that he should shoulder the cost?

Original poster
ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 18:16

I must go, hungry children are crying out for food! I will check in later

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 28/04/2008 18:17

why would a woman hope the man will turn round and say ill pay isnt that a bit mercenary

pagwatch · 28/04/2008 18:19

oh lord Zippi - twas just a joke !

NotABanana · 28/04/2008 18:19

I feel disrespectful and sad posting this (she has since died) about my Nan. It might explain that some men are like this and it is not a generational thing.

My Nana and a male friend (nothing at all romantic or sexual) would take it in turns to chose where to go for a meal or cake and tea. He always drove as my Nana couldn't. When it was her turn to pay it was always a full meal in a restaurant, his turn to shell out and tea and cake somewhere. Very bad manners imo.

scottishmummy · 28/04/2008 18:21

at least go halves. but don't assume anything unti you have discussed it.enjoy

pagwatch · 28/04/2008 18:21

If I am out with anyone i always pay my half as it feels much more comfortable. Although I do love it if I can treat people sometimes. Its a really nice feeling when you can treat someone .

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 28/04/2008 18:34

WilfSell, there'd be no magic with a mean man. The person (regardless of gender) should shoulder the cost of a treat they have planned and suggested. If I invite my friend out for coffee, I try to pay.

Clearly there are men out there who behave like this, even on an early date!! No doubt they are the " I speak as I find" / "I say it as I see it" types. Mean does equal selfish as the others have said.. I know that from experience,

kerryk · 28/04/2008 18:34

notabananna, that reminds me of the couple dh and i would sometimes go to the pub with, i dont know how they managed it but it always ended up that when it was our round they needed mixers but never there own round considering a can could sometimes be £1 they had it pretty well sussed.

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 28/04/2008 18:36

Kerryk, don't let them away with it!! Next time they say, half a shandy? reply, no, do you know what, I think I'll have a double vodka martini thank you !!

NotABanana · 28/04/2008 18:37

It is just cheeky. I wouldn't dare!

zazen · 28/04/2008 18:51

Why don't you book your own room in the hotel.
After all if you want to go away with him and have a fun weekend that's what I'd do - surely he'll get the hint to stump up if he wants 'to take you away'. Suggest you find Paris / Istanbul romantic etc....

And having your own room means that you get an uninterrupted night of sleep what bliss! and poss a shag in the stables, if you think he's not too mean to give you one

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 28/04/2008 18:57

You're right. I'd never have the nerve in real life either. Easy to type it!