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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect the man to pay?

131 replies

ErmExcuseMe · 28/04/2008 17:12

I have recently started seeing a wonderful man. He has asked me if I would like to go away for a weekend with him. A wonderful idea, as it means we can spend some time getting to know each other away from children etc... Except, I think he wants me to pay for the hotel - surely that is not right

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 28/04/2008 19:00

Depends on your respective incomes. If you could never in a month of Sundays afford a hotel and B&B is pushing it then he needs to know that (and probably ought to know that already). Tell him you don't like booking but here is a link to a hotel that looks good and would he go ahead and book but that you could just afford say £40 which would be half as B&B cost unfortunately.

Some idiot last week even asked for the last 10p I owed him in splitting a lunch 50/50.

Judy1234 · 28/04/2008 19:01

What is funny is I gave him the 10p and he even accepted it.

windygalestoday · 28/04/2008 19:10

xenia i take it thats the last date u will have with that bloke???

Mrspanic · 28/04/2008 19:21

10p ??

LaComtesse · 28/04/2008 19:29

My ex used to pay for weekends away and the first few times I visited him, he offered to pay for my train fares (I refused as I didn't want to feel obligated to him). He never asked for anytthing until he cancelled our last abortive holiday. Then he asked me for half the cost of it!! I've still to get my chequebook out since he chose to book and cancel it at short notice.

Any resolution yet?

suey2 · 28/04/2008 19:41

I think that at this stage i would want to pay half so that you don't feel beholden. When i started going out with DH, i insisted until he said, look i earn much more than you and i want to go to these nice restaurants/ take nice holidays and i want you to come along without worrying about the money.
A bit early to go into the financial side IMHO. You will have plenty of time to find it out later: if he is tight you'll find out soon enough.
If you earn roughly the same amount of money, i would expect to pay half going forward.

llareggub · 28/04/2008 19:41

Well, having read all the posts I wonder if he is giving you some options by asking you to book the room. If he books just one room he is making the assumption that sex will be involved. By asking you to book you have the opportunity to book two rooms, leaving you free to decide on the night, as it were.

If he is as wonderful and as "old school" as you suggest then maybe he is merely thinking about your reputation?

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 28/04/2008 19:41

Xenia, Did he take your purse out of your bag for you? The sweetie.

How did you not laugh out loud!

Original poster

ErmExcuseMe · 29/04/2008 00:53

Okay, we have had a discussion, although it is yet to be concluded. He took a middle line, not saying he wants to split it nor that he will cover the whole cost. Perhaps he is trying to be polite? Perhaps he too is unsure of 'the modern rules'. It is quite confusing trying to work out which line to toe! However, by toeing a middle line, I am not totally convinced that he thought I would pay the lot...

I shall probe some more tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

ErmExcuseMe · 29/04/2008 00:55

...Oh, and I have suggested that we share the costs equally.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 29/04/2008 08:06

how old are u ermexcuseme

you sound quite quaint

SmugColditz · 29/04/2008 08:12

We are surely past the days when women didn't have an income?

Because that's the only reason men used to pay for everything - if they wanted to take a woman out, they HAD to!

SmugColditz · 29/04/2008 08:15

This reminds me of that episode of Bottom where Richie shouts at the lesbian couple "That's seventy Pee you owe me, I bought you a coke in good faith!"

Judy1234 · 29/04/2008 08:58

("xenia i take it thats the last date u will have with that bloke???" Yes, I did have dinner with him last year and I think in the interim I'd forgotten why I rejected him then - that time he kept his woolly scarf on all through dinner in a very nice restaurant. It is not as simple an issue as it sounds as I probably earn 5x or more what he earns and he would know that but even so...)

windygalestoday · 29/04/2008 10:32

xenia u have cheered me up on a sad morning lol

kama · 29/04/2008 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foxythesnowfox · 29/04/2008 10:40

I would offer to pay half, and expect to, but I'd be delighted if he insisted.

I find mean men sooooo unattractive!

DaDaDa · 29/04/2008 10:47

I wish I were one of the prep school set. It sounds delovely.

If he invited you he should pay. If it's near your birthday he should pay. If it just evolved from a discussion about spending more time together - halves.

Maybe he's skint and he's after you for your money.

DaddyJ · 29/04/2008 10:51

What an odd reaction.

Do you think he is embarrassed talking about money?
Is he short of cash? (why the hotel suggestion then?)
Does he think if he pays then you would feel obliged to spend the night with him?
(but you are going to spend the night with him! That's the whole point of going to a hotel, right?!)

You know that scene in Bridget Jones where the H Grant character
takes her on a dirty weekend.
Do you think they split the cost, including petrol money?

CountessDracula · 29/04/2008 10:52

Why should you NOT pay?

SSSandy2 · 29/04/2008 11:02

"He took a middle line, not saying he wants to split it nor that he will cover the whole cost"

Isn't he being unnecessarily vague though? I think I would leave it this time round and see about going out for an expensive meal instead and how he goes about that whole thing. My brother is an awful scrooge, he is absolutely rolling (mainly because he doesn't spend anything) and I find it a very unattractive trait.

perpetualworrier · 29/04/2008 11:24

How do you normally deal with the cost when you go out? IMO, things should be split more or less evenly, rather then exactly half every time. e.g if he buys cinema tickets you buy the popcorn & drinks. If you paid for dinner last week, he gets it this week. Provided one person isn't being put upon, you should actually need to be counting pennies.

If he's always avoiding paying then run a mile, but if not it could well be that he's uncertain of how things "should" be done. e.g. doesn't want you to think he's paying for sex.

BTW, I don't think men wanting to pay has anything to do with being upper-class etc. I work in East London, with real salt of the earth types, who are good to their mother's.... When I go out with male colleagues, they hate to let me pay, even when I'm senior to them. It's all about manners though and these men have been brought up (by their fathers) to think they should pay. I do pity the modern man sometimes, damned if you do damned if you don't.(pay, open a door, give up a seat...)

perpetualworrier · 29/04/2008 11:25

Thats shouldn't be counting pennies

Lauriefairycake · 29/04/2008 11:38

I think alarm bells are ringing and I'm going to give weight to him not following the 'social graces/norms' of your set.

If the social norm in your set is first weekend away, early in a relationship, man pays then why is he deviating from that?

That is the problem, why not adhere to the norms?

The rights and wrongs of class and who should be paying are irrelevant, it's why is he deviating from what is expected?

If it was me and I was in your set/class ('fraid I'm not) I would just have murmured something about how "I quite like the Cotswolds in the spring" and expect him to sort it out.

Hecate · 29/04/2008 13:17

the fact that he is dodging the whole question of who's paying what makes me very suspicious that you will in fact end up footing the bill! He wants you to book it, so it will have to go on your card, when you get there, he'll probably tell you he'll settle up with you when you get back...

You should certainly pay your own way - but you should make sure he does too!

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