To not date him any more?

[kay770]

Wasn't really looking to meet anyone but met a nice man through work.

We get along well, he seems very nice so far, funny, we have good chat etc but I haven't felt that "wow" feeling yet.

Been on 3 dates.

Date 1- split the bill, absolutely fine no issues with this. Pub meal and drink around £30 total for both.

Date 2- small restaurant and the waitress was being awkward about splitting the bill, I had my card out so just paid and said we would sort it later. He said "I'll get the meal the next time we go out". This was around £60 for both.

Date 3- lunch deal in a small local bar/restaurant. £20 for both of us including drink. When waitress approached to take payment I was expecting him to pay given the previous conversation, however when she asked he said "we will split it" so we each paid half.

It's given me a bit of the ick and I'm not sure I want to go on any more dates.

I'm fine with going halves, it's fair after all. But it's put me off that I've paid for a far more expensive meal out, and then he couldn't even get me a cheap lunch on return? It still wouldn't have been "even" as such but it's just the gesture would have been nice!

I don't know his financial situation, but he's in a more senior role to me.

AIBU not to date him any more? Or is this normal in this day and age (haven't dated in a while!)

I understand what you are saying but I'm not the kind of person who'd say "it's your turn to pay", plus I don't think I should have to!

I'd be worried incase he only had £10 in his bank and enough to pay for himself and then I created an awkward situation.

You have children and you have to consider them when you're making any financial decision. If he moved in with you I think the only benefit would be to him financially. He's not in the same financial position as you even though he earns more and is senior. That would actually really worry me given his tightness overall.

No, sorry I wouldnt like that either, He was the one who said I'll get the next one and he didnt. His words dont match his actions which is a red flag.

If he was planning to get a similarly expensive meal then he would have said, "let split it, and I'll pay for our next date and we go somewhere nice" the fact he didnt is miserly. I cant abide stinginess in men, its a huge turn off for me.

Out of curiosity, why dont you arrange a 4th date and then say lightly, hey, it's on you this time and see what he says. If you get any hint of defensiveness or anger then you know exactly what his attitude to money is and I'd be distancing myself.

That would really really annoy me. I agree op

There is no 4th date planned at the moment, although he text me after and said he had such a lovely time and really enjoys spending time with me etc.

I'd have the ick and the irk.

I would go on one more date and remind him it's his turn to pay as you paid at the previous dinner.

Then I'd let him down gently.

What's the point in continuing if he's both tight and doesn't give you the feeling? If I were single again at my age, I would 100% be holding out for someone who made me feel special and who I fancied the pants off. Lifes too short to settle.

Sorry but that would be it for me. He’s not showing good partner material. Listen to your gut.

Nope nope nope 🤢

So far you have spent £85 and he has spent £25. I am not one for dividing up pennies as thats grim and scrooge like but you've spent three times what he has just on spending time with him.

Be very wary of this going forward.

I'd find that unattractive. I think it would put me off.

If almost have been reminding him it was his turn to pay 😳

Go back to restaurant number 2 for 4th date and when the bills comes say "do you just want to get this since I got it last time"

Splitting a £20 bill seems really tight of him.

Ugh.
NO.

If you can't say in an easy non-confrontational way "oh you said you'd get this one, I got last time's'", then he's not the guy for you. You're getting in knots thinking about whether he only has a tenner left or conversely that he might think you're grabby. You should be able relax and say something as simple as that by date 3 and if you're not and getting the ick from this as well as no wow, it's a no brainsr, course you should call it quits.

I’m on the fence as my OH and I did all this stuff on the early days and now he just pays for everything as he is on a vastly larger salary than myself. Fourteen years in he still can be a bit mean with money if he doesn’t think it’s good value, but then so can I! I think where you went wrong is not reminding him ge needed to pay in full for the meal he owed you so now you feel resentful.

You have dependent children at home. If it was me I would not want to spend money on a man I barely know that I could be spending on my kids.

Forget about paying your way. If he really liked you he’d insist on paying for both of you. Paying your way can come later but not at the beginning.

It's a no from me. I wouldn't want to be wondering if he's going to chip in or not all the bloody time and I don't think he should need to be reminded. He should be trying to impress you at this stage not acting like a CF acquaintance.

I do have money to spend on myself, whether that's dating or going out with friends etc. otherwise I'd go crazy! Kids don't go without anything.

But agree I won't invest any more of it in this man.

I also don't think it's my job to be reminding a man that it's "his turn". The thought of that also gives me the ick!

Maybe he just forgot about the previous arrangement?

So he has a casual attitude towards owing people money - that would be a no as well for me.

Nope, it's not a good start is it. I would be feeling the ick like you.
Even if he was planning on treating you to a posh dinner as his turn, he could have just got you the cheap lunch!

I don't see it as a job. Just part of human conversation. But you're clearly wound up about it and got the ick so what's the dilemma, stop dating him.

DH’s generosity is one of his most attractive qualities. He has a real generosity of spirit, he that his time, energy or cash.

Meanness and being tight is so unattractive and gives me the ick

This is what I am thinking. However he could have said to you that he hasn't forgotten it's his shout next time you go for dinner.

Saw an interview with Denzel Washington yesterday with his wife. She said their first date he made her pay for the taxi on their night out. He said he was watching the meter go higher and higher and didn't have enough to pay for it. He said I paid for the rest of the night and she said it was a free party! He said he's been paying ever since but bet she's glad she didn't get the ick.