Really annoyed.. School mum..wwyd?

[Theamericanz]

My dd is friends with a child in school who has recurrent headlice. The school mum is an acquaintance through our dds & every time her daughter gets a dose of the lice she texts me rather accusingly to "check my daughters hair". I do this weekly & she is always in the clear. She isn't texting any other mums as I've asked a close friend from the class... I'm actually getting very upset over the constant messages! Aibu? What do I reply.. Tonight I said "dds out at a match, I'll check when she gets in".. She saw the message didnt reply.. I dutifully checked dds hair with the nitty gritty all clear.. I text back "dds hair all clear. Best of luck treating your dd". Read n reply. Aibu to be seriously pissed off & where do we go from here. My dd is not the culprit!

The thing is I've checked with another mum who is a good friend of mine & she's never received a message re the lice.. Tonight's message "X has lice, you really should check dd"..

Sounds to me like a heads up.

But to be sure you could reply something like "thanks for heads up. Luckily my DD seems to have avoided catching them from yours previously - but I'll check to be on the safe side"

Then why is she only texting OP ?

There have been several texts on each occasion her DD has had nits. And each time OP is the only one texted. Why not other mums of classmates ?

Because their kids are best friends?

She’s not gossiping. She’s asking if any other mums have received a similar text - if they haven’t it points to friends’ mum thinking OP’s DD is the one passing on the nits.

Not the point of the thread but could you share the conditioner spray you use on DD to avoid them please? Mine is only nursery age but has long thick curly hair so keen to avoid them if we can!

Regardless, there are other kids in the class. She shouldn’t be texting OP, she should be informing the school so they can let other parents know that a classmate has lice.

It sounds like she is not treating her dd's hair right. She needs to treat and combing the eggs out every few days for a couple weeks and treat again just to be sure....

Also, perhaps if your dd is good friends with hers she is just saying check to be safe...not accusing you!

When my dc caught bugs etc, I would warn whoever they last played with if it was for example same day etc as a heads up....thankfully the other dc never got sick.

She's probably at a loss as to why she keeps getting them, and I'd assume she's asked her daughter who she gets really close to and she's said just your daughter so she's assuming that's the cause.

It's a bit annoying but it's not much effort just replying briefly and it's understandable that she's come to that conclusion. When her daughter keeps getting them she may find it unbelievable that yours hasn't had them and thinks you're either missing them or that you are finding them each time and not wanting to say that treatment isn't working so is giving a heads up anyway thinking you're also treating each time.

Is there a reason why she wrongly thinks your DD is the source of the headlice? For example, you mention your DD has long hair - does she always have it properly tied back at school? If not, that could be one reason why the mum thinks she’s the culprit.

Or is she just letting you know re the headlice, then you say your DD is fine, so this mum is too upset to reply that her DD is crawling with them?

Either way, make sure your DD’s hair is properly tied back every day, and if you get another message just keep your reply brief and neutral: “Thanks for letting me know about the nits. Just checked DD and she has none. Good luck with your DD”.

TBF, this poor mum is probably at her wits end that her DD keeps getting headlice. My DD was like this - they really do prefer some heads over others! It wasn’t that we weren’t getting rid of them all, it was that a mum in the class wasn’t treating her DC’s nits properly and that child was basically giving them to other children continually (and - my pet hate! - never had her hair tied back).

The problem with texts, is you can’t tell tone. We tend to assume the tone and read it in the way we choose to.
From your description of the texts it’s also possible she’s just warning you because her dc has lice again.
If you're 100% certain it’s accusatory though, then I would personally just reply face to face next time.

“Morning Nit mum, regarding the lice that your dc keeps getting, whilst I appreciate the heads up you keep giving me, I have already explained we use preventative products, so we don’t have lice in our house-and it’s really not necessary for me to know each and very time you’re dealing with them!
Perhaps you should try the same products, and maybe ask your dc who she spends most of her time sitting next to at school so you can get to the source of the problem”

Then I would simply walk away

There is another girl in their group too who is not getting messages

Maybe just something like:

Hi X, Y hasn't had nits in more than three years and I check her frequently so definitely not coming from our end! Given you've been struggling with them for so long, maybe worth a chat with pharmacist? No need to keep letting us know about them, I check Y regularly anyway so would know if she had them. Good luck getting rid of them!'

She is obviously not killing the eggs and that is why her dd is getting lice back again each time. I would talk to her straight and tell her this, say your dd doesn’t have them but if she wants rid she needs to kill off the eggs.
I would also tell her your dd is not the source of these and be clear on that.

Text back "DD is clear. Are you sure you cleared out all the eggs last time your DD had lice?"

Would you mind sharing a photo/link of the sprays please? We've not had them yet but I'd like to try and keep them at bay if I can.
I'd also post them in your class WhatsApp- heard there were cases of lice. Used these for 3 years and DD has been clear for every weekly check.
Just a subtle way of saying you do check and don't need the reminder. It's also a nice suggestion for others.

But the school has a protocol. This mum is messaging one parent of one child in her DD’s friendship group, instead of following protocol and emailing the school so they can let other parents know.

I would just ask her straight out next time she informs you :

"What? AGAIN?! "We need to get to the bottom of this" "Poor Her Child's name Where do you think they're coming from?"

Why are you indulging this nonsense? If she isn’t doing it to other people you have to be direct and tell her to leave you alone if she’s not messaging other parents.

I think you should not get so angry about this but let it wash by you - life is too short to get in a fret about it.

There are no "culprits" when it comes to nits - they are just a fact of life. The source is the classroom and no particular individual.

I think your reply is just fine - I would leave it at that. She is not obliged to respond. Don't get riled when she does not respond.

The neighbor’s child had recurrent head lice. Source was found to be the child’s cycle helmet! Apparently treating the child and also putting the cycle helmet in a bag in the freezer for 24 hours sorted the problem.

I actually don't think there's anything wrong with her messages. You said the girls are pals so it's not unreasonable for her to inform you that her DD has nits, she's being polite. Imagine if she didn't tell you and your DD got them? I think people read into things too much these days! When I was at school this would be a normal thing for 2 parents to discuss when their children are best friends.

I would text “its interesting your DD has had them seven times now and each time my DD has been clear. I've been thinking maybe your DD is catching them from someone else that my DD isn't close to? Just a thought. Best of luck with the treatment x."

This is clever. Lets her know you know she's only texting you.

Do that or more easily, don't open her messages.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ecenti-Leave-Repellent-Conditioner-Spray/dp/B095P6XPKJ/ref=mp_s_a_1_7?adgrpid=61742216548&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.h1iGLnhWUzU34MQz2nOwJQnBAD5P6Pu6dmZJmEeLq-RO0V7Go3iMFYbhtW__hv9k0ONNSPwPVBxBUl_N4fwfDraRCUvp7R1S2YHXHAqahdguTcGQq7JHA430x4hfc1zRi3To_6RtBlnnayHpefjQikA5kkIGJ9LrbdAALANmK_W905Qhx1rJajsa9c6UdLxmWWxMx4G02p9EWJFekFY0ow.t5VL_PMVYcLu3-8WuuVGQSl7xtuHpll9Hs1GhQqovBc&dib_tag=se&hvadid=259150347067&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1007858&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15579044627990596160&hvtargid=kwd-302273942298&hydadcr=16873_1798470&keywords=tea+tree+leave+in+conditioner&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1732262677&sr=8-7

For those asking there is one of the sprays, it dries instantly leaves, no sticky residue & is very affordable. We often buy this is bulk from Amazon.
Also use the child's farm spray in conditioner which has a lice repellent in. Also very good.