Really annoyed.. School mum..wwyd?

[Theamericanz]

My dd is friends with a child in school who has recurrent headlice. The school mum is an acquaintance through our dds & every time her daughter gets a dose of the lice she texts me rather accusingly to "check my daughters hair". I do this weekly & she is always in the clear. She isn't texting any other mums as I've asked a close friend from the class... I'm actually getting very upset over the constant messages! Aibu? What do I reply.. Tonight I said "dds out at a match, I'll check when she gets in".. She saw the message didnt reply.. I dutifully checked dds hair with the nitty gritty all clear.. I text back "dds hair all clear. Best of luck treating your dd". Read n reply. Aibu to be seriously pissed off & where do we go from here. My dd is not the culprit!

Your reaction to the texts is completely OTT.

You're acting like this woman has slapped you in the face. Maybe she's just giving you a heads up regarding the lice as your DDs are close?. Or if your DD has particularly long swishy hair, maybe she genuinely thinks she might be the most likely candidate.

I get headlice are an emotive subject and we feel dirty and judged if our DCs get them.

Just reply to any future text: "thanks for the heads up, I'll check DD" and no more needs to be said.

If this other child is constantly getting infested, chances are someone in their household is infesting her.

Perhaps the mother?

When son was at ''Louse catching age'' he opted for a ''Louse freezer'' haircut, like a crew cut...similar to pic, but shorter on top.

The whole family needs to be checked and treated.

Pic of louse freezer hairstyle...easy to check and treat! {google images}

How long are your daughter's hair OP? You mentioned it's quite long.

Why don’t you do a WhatsApp post to all parents letting them know what has worked for you for 3 years? Just in case there are any parents struggling with the issue?
Hopefully, problem solved.

We used to use the cheapest gloopiest conditioner , and comb through with the nit comb.
Much better than the smelly chemicals. Regular checking {At every hair wash } stops there from ever being an infestation.

Lice are annoying, but the school used to NEVER name a child that had them...the kids would come out of school with the long, thin dreaded nit note flapping in the wind like the Runes in ''The night of the demon'' film.

''A child in your son or daughter's class has nits- please check their hair''

I think I’d have to say something to be honest. Something like ‘Hi X, I notice you only message me when your dd has head lice. She could be catching them from anyone at school. My dd last had head lice 3 years ago as I use xyz on her hair it keeps them away’

The message to me looks like she’s letting you know so you can check your DD. (As their friends) Nothing threatening or accusing at all, just common courtesy. Calm down. Move on. Don’t read too much info a simple text message.

I would be blunt and say my DD hasn’t had lice for 3 years and then detail my anti-lice program for her as she obviously needs some help if the poor child has recurring nits. Perhaps also tell her to make sure she’s washed the bedding properly etc

Do NOT take this advice, OP!

I would see the texts as a warning as the children are close, as opposed to an accusation. She probably doesn’t text the other parents as their children aren’t as close and to save embarrassment? I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Years ago my DS friend had recurring headlice. My DS never got any. His friends mum was exasperated by it and once was very accusatory that I wasn't checking or giving treatment (I was checking at home everytime a school letter came out of course) but I let it go as she was so overwhelmed with dealing with two boys with lice and exhausted and stressed.

I later shared an article with her regarding blood types - that headlice doesn't thrive on certain blood types and my son seemed to be one of the lucky few to not get them. She didn't bring it up again.

This is one of those situations where she could be being passive aggressive and rude - or could equally just be giving you a heads up. The not replying to your update could be seen as rude, or she could have seen it when busy, meant to reply, couldn’t at that moment and then completely forgot (or mentally replied but didn’t do it in reality - hello my brain!).

My point is - whilst you think you know her motivation, you don’t. You’re telling yourself a story of it and getting angry at that. Which isn’t to say you’re not right / but at the moment, that’s only hurting you and she’s oblivious (either happily living her bitchy PA life, or glad she’s given you a heads up and your daughter is clear, as we all know what a pain in the arse nits are).

You can choose how to respond her - try and accept that, for whatever reason, she feels the need to do this, but don’t let it get to you. If she does it again, you have some good replies banked to hopefully get her to pipe down, but don’t let her live in your head over this, causing you anger and annoyance.

I read, I think a Brene Brown quote, once, which said something like “life feels a whole lot easier if you can view everyone as just trying to do the best they can at the time”. So even if her best is a bit shitty, it might help to shift your mindset away from her being this purposeful bitchy woman to just being a guy misguided with hopefully decent enough intentions

When my DD was at primary school (10 yrs ago) parents used to inform the school if their child had lice. A letter was then sent to the whole class so parents could check their child's hair. Parents used to inform other parents too. There was no sense of shame/accusations which seems to be happening here.

Why does her not replying annoy you? You didn't ask a question that needed a reply so surely it's enough to know that the message has been read.

I read it as she was just letting you know. Maybe she was in the midst of treating them when you messaged back. I really don't think any passive aggressive replies are needed to a brief text giving you a heads up re. Nits. She obviously feels comfortable enough with you to let you know.

I don't see how it's passive aggressive and I wouldn't have replied to your text as it didn't need a reply you didn't ask anything?
The 1 time my child had nits I messaged 1 other parent to let them know it doesn't sound like she's accusing more just letting you know as your kids play together

Head lice are strange - I have come to the conclusion that some people simply don’t get them. I taught small children in a very louse-infested school for five years and never once caught headlice - I had the school welfare lady check my hair on a regular basis!

The only thing I would say is that if your daughter has long hair that is worn loose or semi-loose, then it might give the impression that she is at higher risk of headlice?

But the other mum is being unreasonable and seems to be singling you out. I suggest talking to school.

Agree with this. It can be difficult to tell in a text what the tone is. I mean even if it is accusatory your reply is perfect, just letting her know that your dd is all clear. but I think it’s much more likely she is just giving you a heads up. And a passive aggressive reply would be mean and leave her wondering what the hec she did wrong.
just let it go and stop worrying about it.

I would definately write

""We are being pro active in this household concerning head lice using preventive spray which has worked since DD doesn't have any lice (last time 3 years ago). I do check regularly just to be sure. Please contact school so they can inform all the parents about this problem. Best of luck!"

I would save this message as your standard reply to any more messages. You just copy and send the same over and over. Don't give it any headspace, she's sure it's your DD because she's got long hair and she seems stubborn about it so just copy paste send delete and go on with your life.

I’d just text back “what a pain in the arse for you, we’re all clear but you should tell school so everyone checks”

I'd think it was a heads up. When my DC were little we'd let best friends know because t was more likely they'd passed them on there.

Most of the time they hadn't, but the heads up was useful.

If you are 100% sure that the messages are aggressive then I would follow up this morning with:

"Thinking about it more, I wonder whether Dotty's nits are becoming resistant to the solution you are using so whilst she appears clear, the eggs still remain? It seems odd she has had so many episodes in the last year. The only time Lucy has had nits (3 years ago) it was a "one and done" event. Good luck!"

This. You should point this out to the mum. It’s her problem. She’s quite likely not treating them effectively each time. Tell her under the guise of being ‘helpful’.

Are you out of your mind ?

If she's not informing the school just tell them yourself every time this happens. "Just heard from x's mum that she has nits again, DD is clear but could we have an all-class email sent out please?"