Really annoyed.. School mum..wwyd?

[Theamericanz]

My dd is friends with a child in school who has recurrent headlice. The school mum is an acquaintance through our dds & every time her daughter gets a dose of the lice she texts me rather accusingly to "check my daughters hair". I do this weekly & she is always in the clear. She isn't texting any other mums as I've asked a close friend from the class... I'm actually getting very upset over the constant messages! Aibu? What do I reply.. Tonight I said "dds out at a match, I'll check when she gets in".. She saw the message didnt reply.. I dutifully checked dds hair with the nitty gritty all clear.. I text back "dds hair all clear. Best of luck treating your dd". Read n reply. Aibu to be seriously pissed off & where do we go from here. My dd is not the culprit!

That message doesn’t need a reply? I wouldn’t reply to it.

When my older two caught lice I’d say to the school mums of the kids I knew they played with. Similar to what this mum says to you and never meant that they had caught them from their children, more a precaution.

Their school didn’t send out any notices to advise of a lice outbreak. We were stuck in a never ending cycle as the lice really seemed to love my girls hair 🤢

I couldn’t shame a child like that! My daughters friend constantly had them I used to have her over for a sleepover and treat the pair of them as her mother did nothing!!

That sounds like WhatsApp war fare. I can’t see how this won’t blow back on the OP and end up alienating her and her daughter rather than the nitty kid.

So she doesn't reply to you, but you feel obliged to reply to her.......??

Turn off notifications from her and ignore.

My younger dd constantly got head lice in primary. We weren't the source so it must have been someone at school. But I just combed her hair regularly with a lice comb and treated when necessary. Never messaged anyone about it.

I think I'd be more blunt than that.

"No lice here. I don't know where your daughter keeps getting them from, but I can assure you it's not from mine. We haven't had a case of lice in three years in this house, thanks to the products I previously recommended. I would suggest you contact the school directly so they can send a message out to all parents, because just sending one to me, when my child doesn't have lice, is clearly not going to resolve your issue."

Plus a "I won't be responding to any more messages from you about head lice."

PS I voted YABU because you are letting it bother you. It's none of her business. Her role is to look after her child and treat them for headline when needed.

Having head lice does not require reporting and schools no longer send children home if they have them - they used to, long ago.

The class protocol is to inform the school in order for a group message to be sent.

Is that an actual school policy? If so, just tell her that.

No child is a 'culprit' when it comes to head lice. Nor is their parent unless they leave it untreated. I think your offence reflects your attitude of seeing this frequent and naturally occurring issue as something people are culpable for, and its making you over sensitive. Of course you should warn close contacts so they can check their own DC.

I would never text another Mum about headline, so rude and you can't be sure where they are coming from. My dd keeps getting them, we just treat and move on...I assume it's from one of her friends or someone she sits near at school.

I really don't see the message you've quoted as accusing your daughter of being the source of the head lice - it reads to me as though the woman is warning you that her child has them and that you should check your daughter's hair in case they have been transmitted as they are close friends.

@Growlybear83 this is the seventh message regarding lice from her in 18 months.

Oh this sounds so frustrating. Headlice can be so hard to get rid of. My sister had them continuously despite many many treatments for nearly a year when we were little but I never caught them, not even after sitting in the back of the car wedged up next to her for hours and sharing a hairbrush on holiday. I have scalp eczema and she doesn’t which I think is why. It is very possible she’s just not getting rid of them but thinks she is each time but she shouldn’t be continuously accusing you!

I would say:

‘Thanks for letting me know - I check DD every week though since she had them three years ago and luckily no reoccurrence since then here! It would be worth letting school know so they can warn the parents of all the children your DD plays with to save you messaging us individually each time it happens, given it seems to be an ongoing issue. Such a pain that they’re being so persistent for [her DD name]! If it helps, we’ve found [xxx not prevention routine] has worked brilliantly for keeping them away.’

Take the high road, make it clear you don’t have them and that you see this as her problem. Very explicitly interpreting her msgs as a warning rather than an accusation even if you feel they are the latter, it cuts her off about it a bit. If she messages another time after the above I would then say:

‘I’m a bit confused by the regular messages about your Dd’s nits to be honest, are you letting us know so we can keep a look out or is it that you’re worried that they’re coming from my DD? As I said last time, she’s nit free and has been for ages, we monitor it very closely. So if you’re concerned your Dd is catching them from her that definitely isn’t the case. Good luck sorting them!’

Then the next time I would totally ignore it.

Saying what? "Good for you"? What would your reply to that be?

Many schools have a policy of asking parents to notify them if their child has head lice so they can send out an email notifying other parents without identifying the child. Schools are not allowed to check for head lice any more, so these protocols can prevent outbreaks. Instead of emailing the OP her friend would have been better notifying the school, so all parents are aware. She probably hasn’t if she’s aware that the school could view repeated infestations as an indication of a wider issue and OP should be wary if she perceives the blame for those infestations are bing shifted to her.

I would even give a thumbs up to acknowledge the message was read. I went to the trouble of checking dds hair again at her request. 20 mins at bedtime. I had already checked Tuesday..

Head lice seem to really like some children and can be incredibly persistent, but other children seem to hardly ever get them. The fact that the woman has messaged you 7 times in 18 months still doesn't sound to me as though she is accusing you - just warning you each time she finds them in her child's hair so that you can check your daughter. I really don't think it's very nice to be discussing with other parents thst the child has head lice.

I think this is just what happens with stuff like nits where theres still an element of shame about it.
Fact is, primary school kids pass on nits and worms and gross stuff as quickly as they pass on coughs and colds.

Short hair or tied back, and sprayed with teatree spray is all you can do really.

It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with this woman outside of the friendship your daughters have.

Next time I think you flat out ask her why she thinks the problem is your daughter when she hasn't had nits in 18+ months whereas her daughter seems to have a weekly issue?

OP if the school has a protocol whereby parents notify when their child has head lice, then the best thing to do is to draw her attention to that and suggest she email the school so they can send out a message to other parents without identifying the child. Repeatedly contacting you does give the impression that she considers your DD the culprit and she’s not considering the other children in the class.

I don’t know if you’re aware but schools will treat repeated infestations as an indication of a wider problem - which it is if parents are not ensuring complete clearance and allowing repeat infections. It’s possible this mum knows that and doesn’t want to report, so you need to be wary of any attempt to shift the blame onto you.

One more thing to mention. NHS England advice is that there is nothing you can do to prevent these infestations and that regular long term use of medicated and strong products meant to treat infestations is pointless unless you actually have lice. These won’t prevent infestation and can actually severely irritate the scalp if used long term. It recommends wet combing as the most effective way of treating and guarding against lice - washing hair with ordinary shampoo and smothering in any type of conditioner, then combing the whole head from root to tip with a fine-toothed detection comb. Repeat this process on days 1, 5, 9 and 13 to catch any newly-hatched head lice and checking again to ensure lice-free on day 17.

Reply " fortunately once again (dd) has not caught them from (her dd) but thanks for the heads up. I will let DD know she should keep her distance for a while until (your poor DD) is clear of her latest outbreak. She does appear to be unlucky doesn't she? Have you any idea where she is getting them from? "

Maybe her DD talks about your DD all the time but not the DD of the mum you asked so she thinks of your DD as her DD’s best friend so she is giving you a courtesy heads up because it’s likely your DD would pick them up f from your DD.

Or maybe her DD has said something that makes her think she caught them from your DD. At that age, it’s not uncommon for DC to “blame” someone for the sake of blaming someone if they sense their parent is annoyed about something, even if they aren’t annoyed with their child because the DC doesn’t want it to be their “fault” IYSWIM. Or they say anything if they don’t know the answer to a question! Or maybe your DD has been saying she is itchy or has got nits to be the same as her friend 😂 She wouldn’t be the first child to “copy” a friend.

Some brilliant suggestions to counter her messages. I would also 'misunderstand' as a way to deal with this. The earlier suggestions are better but if they prove too subtle you could try:

'Thanks for the heads up to check DDs hair. Your poor DD seems to get them a lot! Would it be worth talking to these people?'

Then post a link to a professional lice removal service.

They might do but there's no requirement to do so. Children are expected to attend school regardless. Probably at least one child in a school has headlice on any given day, so constantly telling parents it's in the school would be pointless. And likely lead to parents having just another reason to keep their child at home, though there's zero reason to do so.