To think that your partner steps up financially when you are on mat leave (SMP)

[Teacherprebaby]

Just that really, how did couples split the finances during mat leave? I'm talking mortgage repayments, bills etc.

100% agree with you there. I meant old fashioned in the sense that we should be afforded the same protections as in marriage in a cohabitation situation.

My advice after 2 children and 40 years of marriage is to share everything. It is best to have a joint account and take whatever allowance for personal spending you can afford. We have split all our inheritances, pension lump sums etc too. We think this has enabled us to live in financial harmony for so long.

You've missed the point of the thread.

This! You've taken the words out of my mouth! I want to keep my own account for me things! And yes Botox also features on that list. I'm not expecting my partner to pay for half of thai forgot to quote you. @peepsypops

Of course! My h paid my pension contributions for me too. It's his baby too.

You need to talk about this before the baby is here.

There have been some suggestions in the thread for the actual mechanisms for a couple to share earnings and outgoings, which I think was what the OP was looking for.

The secondary topic of marriage is important though, in my opinion. The OP has been clear that 1) her partner earns more than her, 2) she will be giving up her career for some amount of time and 3) she will be financially impacted by being on maternity leave. I am not married because I am an high earner (and about 2x my partners salary) and we don’t have kids. I am independent too, OP, but if I had had children and was taking a career break from a lower paying role than my partner’s, I would 100% be married to guard against the worst happening and me having to rely on my ex-partners goodwill!

All your money and all his money goes into a joint account. You both sit down and work out all the things you HAVE to pay for ( mortgage, bills, cars, food budget,baby stuff). Whatever disposable income is left is shared equally so you both have the same personal spends. You have a child, you are a team. If you were a business it wouldn't work if one part of it had lots of money and the other part was scraping around for pennies. Relationships are the same. " All that I am I give to you. All that I have I share with you". Anything less is not worth bothering with.

A friend of mine didn't see the point in getting married to her partner - they had a child and a rental together and were quite happy.

Until he died in an accident and she found herself with nothing. She couldn't afford the house, she wasn't in his will and cooling access his pension as they weren't married. She also couldn't access any widowers benefits as she was legally considered single when he died.

She was incredibly lucky that his parents loved her and helped her - otherwise she would have been up shit creek without a paddle.

You have very, very few protections as an unmarried woman, especially as an unmarried, pregnant woman who is solely dependent on her partner to pay the bills.

Blows my mind how a man can “be comfortable” with his partner using her literal body to grow and deliver his offspring and she wouldn’t be comfortable asking him for money while taking a huge pay cut on mat leave with said offspring….

Joint account. Or at very least, everyrhing for the baby split. I mean housing, bills, things you do while out with baby (including coffees), down to the last nappy. And when mat pay is £0, / if you also run out of money to have a reasonable existence then he covers everything/that too!

If you demonstrate the difference in your previous salary and the hit taken to be on mat leave, half of that difference is what he “owes” you each month.

I would find the “he is open to anything I suggest” such a turn off tbh, is he usually so passive? You’re having his child, he should be stepping up, making a plan to marry you and ensuring all finances are joint and equal. I’d be wondering why he hasn’t volunteered all this already tbh.

It makes me so sad to repeatedly see women on mumsnet falling over themselves to say how wonderful and committed their partner is when they won’t do the very basic thing of marrying her and ensuring she’s financially secure whilst raising their joint child.

I’m expecting my first at the moment and all money has been completely joint since we got married, with equal personal spending, plus joint spending for joint activities. This will continue when I’m on mat leave so I can still have Botox/treats etc. but expenses for our child will be paid for from the joint account - my husband will be funding both of these whilst I’m on zero pay, it wasn’t even a conversation he just assumed he’d be supporting his wife and child?! I’m also planning to return part time and again my husband will be funding the shortfall, whilst I’ll still have equal access and the same personal spending. It makes me sad and shocked that some women settle for less when we sacrifice so much to give these men children. Please raise your bar!

You have absolutely no protection as an unmarried mother. If you split you can claim child maintenance (and deal with all the horrendous stress that goes with that). You are not entitled to a single other penny. If your partner dies you don't even have any rights over his body and what happens to it. If he hasn't made a will specifically naming you you have no right to anything. Anything with your name jointly on it will not pass in its entirety to you. The other half of the house, car, joint bank account will pass to his parents. Just imagine the horror of that.

We did. But...not about pension...mine would be £600 a month.

Calm down with your assumptions. If you want to give advice great.

It’s not assumptions. It’s facts from what you have written and I think you need to wake up and realise this man is at the moment not prioritising your and your child’s security. I’m not saying this to be nasty but it’s something we see time and time again on mumsnet, the man promising the earth and then leaving the woman and child high and dry when it suits him. If he’s truly committed and a good man he’ll put his money where his mouth is and make it legally binding. That’s proper commitment.

There is no nuances op.
Joint finances. That's it.
All money goes in one pot.
Everything gets paid from the pot.
"My money, your money, bill money, fun money, my kids, your kids, our kids"🙄

People love to reinvent the wheel and claim they have the way to go. How about good old fashioned household money?

Asking for money from a partner??? This does seem a bit bizarre. You are on maternity leave because you have had a child. You've not just decided not to work and sponge off your partner.

Important to keep paying into your pension and ensure that your pension beneficiaries, your Will and POA are up to date.

Depends on whether married or not. I kept my mat pay for my stuff, I saved up loads before I went on mat leave. I didn’t want to go cap in hand if I needed my hair done or lunch with friends.

As others have said, I really would get married.

There is nothing old fashioned about legal protection. It is more important than absolutely anything else.
My first husband left when our children were 3 and 2. I was only able to survive financially because the law required him to behave properly towards us.He had a shiny new girlfriend and a shiny new life. I would have been absolutely up shit creek without the force of the law behind me.

Thank you, that's exactly the kind of advice I'm looking for. It's all new to me, we communicate really well, I am the one that finds this such a new avenue and I'm unsure what kind of process will work best for us, which is why I wanted ideas from this thread. Of course we have and will continue to have conversations to come to a more firm conclusion. I'm not on maternity leave yet.

Well, no-that’s the point. If you choose not to get married, you choose to not have those protections.

Actually, this is a terrible suggestion. This sort of split only works when both partners are earning roughly similar amounts. In a situation like the one you're about to be in, the result would be that yes, he'd be paying in way more into the joint account, but he'd ALSO have way more in discretionary spending money. To give you an example: Say he comes home with £5000 per month. You only get £500 in mat pay. Your combined bills are £3000. He is going to pay the vast bulk of the bills, of course as you earn just 1/10 of what he does. So you are only paying in say £30 and he pays in the 2700. That seems great? He's paying all the joint bills, brililant. .....

except you still have only £470. left and he has £2300.....

I do understand what you're saying. Dh and I had pooled finances prior to having DC, but I was by far the higher earner and I received my full pay while on mat leave (although I only took the 6 months that gave me that full pay). Then DH gave up his job and became a SAHD. Now our finances were a bit lower. DH found it quite difficult sometimes to bring himself to spend on himself as he felt he wasn't contributing so it can be a hard mindset to adjust to, especially as while his salary had been lower, obviously we felt the difference in not having it.

My sister and her DH pooled all finances and then each of them got an "alllowance" from that for a while. It helped to smooth that transition where she was earning less, particularly as they were both high earners (but she took almost a year, and just over a year respectively so didn't get her full pay the whole time). As far as I know, many years later, they're back to just pooling everything but, again, as very high earners, I think this is quite easy. DH and I pool everything too.... but as we have no money, neither of us hs spending more than the occassional fiver on personal spends!

I know you've been told off for this comment a lot but it is really important. The legal protections afforded by marriage/civil partnership are absolutely essential if you are going to take a big hit on your earnings/potential earnings by having children and staying off work to care for them. Marriage wasn't for me, for various reasons, so we just got a civil partnership in a registry office. I'm glad you have so much faith in your partner just going along with whatever you suggest. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship. But you should always protect yourself and your children. People change and do things you would never, ever expect them to. And you should be protected against that potential.

I am honestly thinking after this thread and considering all the threads by women who have had to bare the brunt of divorce as part of an unmarried couple, that what you are suggesting is the best route. I don't want a wedding, just not interested in the faff. I'd rather a fabulous holiday after a registry office.

I was very independent before mat leave too and we split all expenses equally. However, I was soon struggling (was on SMP only) and was dipping into the savings account (which didn’t make financial sense for us as a couple as we were losing interest).

My DH suggested transferring a set amount into my account each month or giving me his credit card which he would pay off. Neither of these options sat well with me as I felt like a child having to ask for money.

In the end we opened a joint account and transferred all our money into it. That way we both have access to all the family funds and can see what we spent. I think that’s the only fair way of doing things once you have children.