30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

If I were the bride, you wouldn't even be getting an invitation if you weren't supporting my choice of a childfree wedding 😆

If the wedding invite doesn't include a meal I'd decline it out of principle. How bloody cheeky - expecting you to travel all that distance (and presumably accepting your gifts) and not even feeding you!

I have to say that I think adults being obsessed by their own birthdays is something alien that I just don’t understand.

Friend is getting married once in a lifetime (hopefully). Weddings are a hideous pain in the arse to organise. It’s not at all movable.

Fiancé is having a birthday. He has one every year (albeit not a round number of 10 birthday). I think it’s pretty selfish of him to want you to miss a good friend’s wedding for this. It would be different if he had a venue booked or several people coming, but he literally wants to stay home with his family (which i will say in itself is nice) - this is a ridiculous reason not to go to the wedding of a good friend.

Id expect the friend to be quite pissed off about this reason for not coming. You can have time at home with family anytime. And actually most days.

i spent my 30th birthday getting my stitches in my vag (following birth of dc2) looked at. We did nothing for it at all.

To be honest it depends how good a friend really! I missed a very good friend’s wedding due to a sick child once and I still regret I wasn’t there.

edited to add we had people only come to the church because they had to go somewhere else and appreciated it. Even with travel that’s probably doable?

He's your fiance, so presumably you're planning a wedding. If a close friend said they couldn't come to your wedding because it was their fiancé's birthday, his would you feel? I'd be guided by that, basically.

I'd go to the wedding, but I'm not a subscriber to this big birthday nonsense. When did it start? Never used to hear people making a fuss over 21 except 40th maybe and that would be the nearest weekend

I would go where I had the best chance of being fed dinner.

When did people start this nonsense of inviting people to the ceremony and the evening bit but not providing dinner to guests?

Agreed 40th was a big one but 30ths and 50ths weren't really a thing a generation ago.

Maybe it was around 20years ago they became things. I remember having a trip with pals for our 30ths.

But I also know a decade earlier my mums 50th passed with barely a glance. 60th was a big one esp for women and 65th for men which sort of doubled as retirement.

Me neither.

I think lots of people have missed the fact OP hasn't been invited to the meal

So being expected to travel to the ceremony, throw confetti, find somewhere to feed yourself in the afternoon, then travel to the evening party.

I went to a wedding like that and really wish I hadn't bothered. It's tight and rude.

Team Birthday.

If it was my 30th no way would I let my DH miss his friend’s wedding. I’d do something the next weekend instead and actually getting all dressed up, getting a night away and being able to leave the wedding to go and do our own thing for dinner would be a nice little celebration in itself before re-joining for the party bit. (unless she’s left her guests not invited to the dinner left in the middle of nowhere with no good dinner options in which case don’t bother with the wedding at all).

Is he always this precious?

I'd normally say wedding, but it is a bit cheeky to invite you three hours away and leave you with a big gap in the middle of the day. It does also depend on what your fiance wants to do for his birthday, if he had a big party or gathering of his own in mind, then I'd say do that, although could be awkward if the same set of friends are invited to the wedding, but if he just wants a quiet day with family I'd earmark Sunday for that and go to the wedding.

To be fair even without fiancé’s bday I wouldn’t go. A minimum 3 hr gap between events is not my idea of a fun way to spend a Saturday whoever it was getting married (let’s not even get into the time it takes to get there and back and standing around all made up and dressed up for hours 🥴). Either I’m invited to everything or I don’t go to anything.
In this case the birthday is a convenient excuse (not that anyone needs one).

Agree. I wish them well and send a card.
We went to a couple of hours away wedding (was my birthday weekend) wedding was my birthday. We went away with teenagers for weekend (was lovely) I also got a few etc cards. lol.
But we were invited to the whole day.

I wouldn't go to the wedding , the massive gap you have to fill between the ceremony and party would put me off

I just asked dh and he said he would absolutely opt for wedding if it was his special birthday. His words were they will only get married once, we can celebrate my birthday any other day.
I'd be the same tbh

If it was my 30th I think I'd just to go to DH's friend's wedding and celebrate the day after.

Could you stay close to the wedding overnight the day before/after as a birthday thing and go to the ceremony alone?

If it was my 30th I think I'd just to go to DH's friend's wedding and celebrate the day after.

Could you stay near the wedding the night before or after as a bday thing, and go to the ceremony alone?

I would normally say a wedding trumps a birthday, especially where plans haven't been actually made for a party. But not a piecemeal wedding invite where they're not even going to feed you despite needing to travel to attend. So rude. Bet they expect nice gifts from everyone, though.

I read the title and thought wedding is the priority as they only happen once and you have a birthday every year. But changed my mind when I saw that they have invited you to the ceremony and evening, but not the food in between! What is a guest supposed to do for a few hours while everyone else gets a meal, speeches etc? Not like you can go odd sight seeing or anything in your posh frock.

Just them being cheap and expecting people to travel but not be fed. Never heard of this before! Do the birthday celebration instead.

If you were invited all day it would be different, but actually inviting people to come to two parts separated by hours is very rude.

And I'm from a background where evening invites are very common and people, if local, would pop along to the church for the ceremony, but you don't actually invite them for it.

No kids and no meal in a three hour gap means I'd be declining. And I love weddings.

I can't believe anyone is saying wedding. They sound like very shit friends to think it's acceptable to invite someone to their wedding so far away and leave them to entertain themselves for 4 hours until the evening do.

Yes weddings only happen once but given they obviously don't value you enough to even cover the basics and feed you then I'd absolutely prioritise the party.

Dear OP. She’ll never speak to you ever again. Your fiancé sounds pathetic.

Mmmm...its a tough one. On the one hand I didn't get the memo that's 30's are a big birthday so the fact it's a 30th wouldn't bother me.
However it's a long journey for part of a wedding...I also missed the memo that you invite people to ceremony and evening but not to the meal !

You are not invited to the whole day and its very far away.
I wouldn't feel off about declining at all.