30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

I really couldn't get worked up about this. We always postpone birthday celebrations to the closest weekend so I'd just do that. I'd be disappointed if I was your friend to be honest. I think it's a lovely thing to do on a birthday and just celebrate the next day. She's a good friend, I would absolutely go.

I think your fiance is selfish for not being willing to celebrate his birthday a day earlier or later to let you go to the wedding.

I think your friend is selfish expecting you to drive two small children 3 hours to sit outside the ceremony with your fiance while you attend, followed by an afternoon of entertaining yourselves in Bumfuck, Blankshire, then an evening reception sans fiance and children and a three hour drive home. Or you driving yourself 3 hours there and 3 hours back and doing the whole day on your own.

I'd be tempted to tell everyone to bog off and book myself into a spa for the weekend.

Unless as a previous poster suggested the wedding is somewhere really nice that your fiance and you could the turn the weeked into a mini-break to celebrate his birthday.

Immature to want to spend it with his children. That's a first on MN.

Also if I was being asked to compromise my own celebration the least I'd want is being fed

Well, they can´t even be bothered to feed you and it is 3 hours away! No, I would decline and organize the birthday.

As you're not invited to the whole day, I wouldn't be travelling that far, I would spend it celebrating fiancé's birthday.

Just to clarify a couple of points:

My fiancé's birthday falls on a Saturday, so in terms of moving it to another weekend... it's on the weekend we would've been celebrating it anyway. He said all he wants is a party at home with his family that day (i.e. his parents, siblings too and their children). He's very simplistic.

When I said I was 'shocked' when she told me the date... I simply meant because of all the dates in the year, you just don't expect it to fall on your fiancé's 30th. It had nothing to do with me expecting her to know this; I was simply surprised that it did and felt so awkward that I didn't know what to say in the moment.

Celebrate his birthday the weekend before or weekend after.

I don't get adults who stamp their feet about the precise date of their birthday celebration. The date doesn't matter. The birthday celebration can be moved, the wedding can't be. You can do both!

Your fiancé's simple family party sounds great . Being half invited to a wedding not so good. Ceremony and evening only seems really mean especially as its not local .

I actually agree with this! Birthdays are every year and can be celebrated a day/week before/after. The wedding is hopefully a one off. Having a birthday at a wedding would be fun.

I don't think you can expect people to travel for a wedding if you aren't even going to feed them! That's shocking to me. What are you supposed to do in the middle of the day? I would definitely decline unless you could make a minibreak out of it as a previous poster suggested.

I'd ask your fiancé and go by what they want to do.

If I were the fiancée I'd want to go to the wedding, and go out for a nice meal/celebration with future DH while the family are having the wedding breakfast you aren't invited to.

And have another celebration on a different day, with friends. It doesn't have to be on the actual birthday.

FWIW for my 30th DH and I just about managed a couple of hours together for a dinner out down the road as DD1 was about seven weeks old at the time!

I would normally say a wedding trumps a birthday, any birthday, but this wedding seems to be particularly awkward, 3 hours away, no kids, and a big gap in the middle of the day to twiddle your thumbs. Is this a thing now, guests being left out of the middle bit? It seems very rude to me. Would it be feasible to go to the wedding, (assuming you can get someone to take the dc) you and fiance have a lovely meal together during the gap bit, then stay the night. If you have no childcare the wedding set up is a massive pain in the arse and I would decline.

Weddings trump birthdays for me. I'd be pretty unimpressed if DH expected me to miss a good friend's wedding for the sake of a birthday we could celebrate a week early or late.

DH's 30th was on a Saturday, but we spent it at SIL's 40th and celebrated his a different day. No big deal.

I think you’re all missing the point that her fiancé doesn’t want to go and that’s totally fine! He wants to spend his actual birthday with his kids - why shouldn’t he be able to do that? The kids aren’t invited so he’d be away from them and people need to accept that if you don’t invite kids people can’t go. I’d also be really reluctant to go to a wedding where I’m hanging around in the middle of the day for hours.

Btw the wedding set up is weird but I'd use it to your advantage and get a lovely meal just the two of you.

I’d go to the wedding hands down!!! Sociable fun lots of people nice meal.

a 30th is just another birthday. Fuck me mine was when we went back into lockdown and all the restaurants closed again and I couldn’t even go out for a nice meal with family. I had a roast dinner at home hahah. Just celebrate the 30th before or after!!

Birthday over wedding.
Especially given you are expected to just feck off and wait for hours in the middle of the day, that's absurd.
Think how nice a family day you could have with the money you'd spend on the wedding!

YANBU

When did weddings become a cheeky fucker fest?! I miss the days the bride and grooms saw guests coming as a plus point and they’d cater to them to have their friends and family join the on their special day. Now it seems some B&Gs think they’re holding some sort of Royal wedding and it’s an honour to attend not the other way around.

It’s beyond cheeky to exclude guests from a meal but expect them to do the bit before AND the bit after. Where are you supposed to go?! Especially when you’ve drove 3 hours!

Even if it wasn’t your OH’s 30th YANBU. Child free weddings are a PITA if you don’t have childcare but also understandable and it hikes the costs up, but a “you’re welcome to come but not to our special meal, sod off elsewhere and come back later” is just rude. People just can’t bring themselves to have a bit of a cheaper wedding can they

Wedding 100%. I am saddened that it is even a question to consider.

Close enough to be a part of the bridal party and children invited = I'd attend the wedding and hold a birthday celebration on the Sunday.

If, like you in this situation, my children weren't invited and I wasn't part of the bridal party I wouldn't be going.

I'd attend the wedding and celebrate in a much more wholesale with your fiancé the nearest free day.

If it were going to be a fun wedding to go to then I'd think your fiance a bit joyless especially as it sounds like you don't already have plans.

But as it doesn't sound like either of you is excited about attending then decline with a clear conscience.

I'm not sure why you were shocked that she didn't remember or know your fiancé's 30th.

Don't go to the wedding. Spend the day with your fiance. In my book, a 30th birthday trumps a wedding - especially a milestone birthday like a 30th. Your fiance is your closest and most important person, and I think you should put him first.

Birthday totally aside, I'd decline the wedding purely on basis of the ridiculous 'come to the ceremony and the evening but not the middle bit' invitation. This might just be ok if you lived locally to the wedding but to expect guests to travel hours to do that is wildly self-centred.

I'm usually in the wedding trumps birthday camp. But who invites people to the ceremony and evening, but not a meal in the middle? Bizarre and rude - I would be inclined not to attend at all on principle.