30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

If I was being sceptical I'd ponder that you don't get the 'big crowd with confetti' post ceremony photos if you only invite the family that you'll willing to feed though.

I actually think it's up the fiance here. It's his birthday. If it's important to him, and he wants to be with his partner and kids, then that's what she does. Doesn't matter if she's unfussed

Adults can celebrate their birthdays any day, and a wedding invite would gazzump a birthday for me............most of the time.

However I would consider an invite to a ceremony 3 hours away and then told to piss off until the evening do while they celebrated with the A list very rude and would decline anyway! (and they would get a token gift only)

Fair enough to invite to the evening do only, not everyone can afford to invite all to their wedding, but don't expect those who live far away to attend an evening do only.

I wouldn't go to a child-free wedding on principle.

Especially one where I wasn't invited to the wedding breakfast.

You aren’t even invited to the whole wedding. The answer here is simple. Decline the invitation and send a gift.

I'm team wedding although I do think it's a bit rude of the couple not to invite you both to the meal.

But is that not an accepted way for many English weddings to be?

Your engaged what plans have you got for your own wedding?
Would you be upset if the couple couldn't make your wedding?

Birthdays don't particularly bother me, however in this instance I wouldn't go. It's a bit much to expect you to travel that distance and only invite you to sections of the day. I'd politely decline and catch up for a nice dinner with your friend another time.

I'd celebrate the birthday a different day, unless you are looking for an excuse to not go. I would find it being far away, not being invited to wedding breakfast part and no kids allowed enough to be put off going

If I was the bride, I’d drop that card right into the bin.

I think I’d pick just me going to the ceremony and then joining on the 30th birthday party when you get home.

Bit weird, what are you supposed to do for the middle bit you haven't been invited to?

Birthday aside, there's no way I'd travel for hours to attend a friend's wedding who wanted me to feed and entertain myself for hours during the day.
Since when did wedding guests invited to the ceremony not get included in the meal?

Have you seen the details of the wedding?

The birthday reason is unreasonable. I'd skip a wedding where I was wasn't invited to the entire day, 3 hours away, and had to get childcare. For those reasons YANBU.

I’d be very miffed if my friend didn’t come to my wedding because her fiancé was having some cake at home… weddings are (hopefully) once in a lifetime! And I assume it’s a good friend? I’d go somewhere really nice for lunch between the ceremony and reception, you’ll be dressed up! And then stay overnight and go home for birthday celebrations the next day.

@petitesongbird Well if it was just a straight choice, with no other issues I would say you and your Fiance ABU not to go to the wedding because a birthday can be celebrated on a different day.

BUT I have voted YANBU because there are plenty of other reasons why YANBU to not want to go to the wedding, that have nothing to do with your Fiance's Birthday at all.

You are not actually really invited to anything other than the evening Service. Not sure where they are getting married - but if in a church, anyone can go and watch a wedding. If it's a Registry Office it will be over in a few minutes. It's really very selfish to invite people to watch the ceremony - but no we're not feeding you and you'll have to hang around for between 3 and 4 hours waiting for the evening do to start, dressed up and having to find somewhere to go. AND it will take you 3 hours to get there!!

Ditto with child free weddings. If you invite people with children and tell them it's no children, you need to expect that some will be unable to attend at all.

It is their day and they can, of course, do what they like - but making choices like that, means they need to accept that some people who would like to be there won't be able to make it

So YANBU for telling your friend that you can't go - but don't use your Fiance's Birthday as the excuse as that is more difficult for anyone to understand. Distance to travel and small children are perfectly good excuses. Especially as you could say Fiance will need to stay at home to look after small children and that means you'd have to go alone to boot!!

I'd go to the wedding. If there's time between the ceremony and the evening do then go for a lovely lunch and drinks and book a nice hotel.

I wouldn't put a good friend's wedding before a birthday.

Personally I'd go to the wedding and fiance would have to suck it up and celebrate 30th birthday the following weekend or the weekend before.

Birthdays happen every year, after all, weddings don't.

What was planned first - the small family party at home for your fiance's 30th, or your friends wedding?

As pp have said, weddings happen once. Birthdays happen every year and don't have to be celebrated on the day. Even my 9 year old was fine having her birthday party 10 days after her birthday last year, because we wanted to visit some friends and her birthday was the only date that worked. She said it was like having two birthdays. You're not even planning anything that can't be easily moved. Any large wedding is going to clash with somebody's birthday, and I've never heard of anyone say they can't go because it's their partners birthday

If you were invited properly to the full wedding day I'd go to that but an invite to a ceremony and then evening reception is a bit weird so team 30th birthday here!

I'd think very little of a partner who wasn't willing to show a bit of wiggle room over a birthday. He has one every year, and it's not like you have to celebrate it on the day.

Obviously not a good friend if she’s kicking her out her wedding for half the day to come back later

Remove the birthday from the equation. She wants you to travel a 6 hour round trip, spend x on an outfit, x on a gift, and then she cant even be arsed to feed you and you've got to fuck off for a few hours?? No thanks

It's pretty immature for a grown man to stamp his feet and insist that he is the centre of attention for just a birthday, when that prevents the OP attending something which is a complete once off.

HTH.

Usually I'd say wedding over birthday.
However, 3 hours travelling and not invited to the meal? No thanks! Rude to expect you to wait for them to eat. Plus I wouldn't want to leave very young children for so long