30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

When did 30 become a big birthday?

Probably about 25 years ago.
I remember celebrating mine and friends. But I know 10 years earlier was my Mums 50th which wasn't really a big thing.

And I have zero recollection of my Dads 50th so it must have been a non-event.

3 hours travel, and having to feed yourself in-between means I'd be wanting to stay over, possibly both nights!! So if you could go as a family, I'd be happy to go over my birthday. But no kids means you're asking a lot of someone re childcare. Decline, say you have birthday plans and then go out and do something fabulous

Lots of people consider birthdays ending in a zero as big. I appreciate on MN birthdays are only for children under 9 and anyone who cares about them is self absorbed and pathetic but go to any card / gift shop and it's clear people consider the decades as "special"

I'd be happy to move my birthday celebration to another day, especially as there is plenty of notice as to not to double book any plans.

What would matter to me, is that the dilemma was acknowledged and my important date wasn't easily pushed aside, which your post proves isn't the case.

I don't think I'd be attending the wedding anyway, purely on the basis that your friend will obviously know how far you have to travel and you aren't included in the whole event. Having separate wedding breakfast and evening guests is one thing that has always baffled me, surely a wedding celebration should include friends and family to all celebrate together. I find it strange.
Enjoy your and fiances gathering with your own family as your friend is clearly doing the same!

Really? I'm mid 40s and it wasn't a thing whereas 40th has always been a big deal.

We have a big family and often have stuff clashing so we often celebrate birthdays another day. Weddings you can't move however.

You only turn 30 once. I think the decision is clear.

I'm more shocked that your friend invited you to the ceremony and evening reception but not the part in the middle! That's absurd.

A wedding trumps a birthday, imo.

Well I'm older than you and know what I did for 21 family dinner, 30 night away with pals, 40 night with DH.

My mums 50 was same month as my 21 and she got a 50th badge but it wasn't a big thing. I've zero recollection of my Dads who would have been a few years older.

This seems the governing factor: She's not being particularly accommodating with the invitation - no children and no wedding breakfast.

So I imagine a "love to be there, but" note should suffice. Otherwise she is not as good a friend as you think. I am struck when reading many questions here how little the word friend seems to mean nowadays.

With that in mind OP I would then decline the invitation, explain that it's your fiances big birthday and you have a date clash. Buy her a nice present and wish her well (which, if she is a good friend but not a best friend, should be truthful and easy to do). You are genuinely sorry to miss the wedding but your fiance, your family come first.

I wouldn't go to the wedding purely because it's 3hrs away for pretty much (imo) a non invite!

If I'd wanted to go though I would.

Finance's 30th wouldn't be an obstacle to that.

He could still have a celebration with his kids & wider family.

THIS absolutely.

Wedding: event planned months in advance coordinating loads of people and a venue and catering and music and traveling and and and....

Birthdays: happen every year. Can celebrate whenever.

Finding a date for a wedding that doesn't clash with anything is almost impossible. It's great that your fiancé has been here 30 years and it IS a cause for celebration, but you can do whatever you want to celebrate that ANY TIME. I'd be so mad if a friend didn't come for this ONE DAY in my life because of something she could have done LITERALLY THE NEXT DAY.

My 30th celebration was 3 weeks after my actual birthday because that was a date the people I wanted to invite could come. I'd have been delighted to spend the actual date at a friend's wedding.

Just do what is best for you and your family. Just send a card and gift to your friend there are usually other friends they will invite as there is always only a finite amount of people they can invite.

Your fiancé has stated he wants to have a family celebration for a special 30th birthday to include parents & extended family. I'm confused as to why this wedding invitation on this particular weekend is even being considered🤔

That isn’t an age thing necessarily though. My 50th came and went without fanfare because of life events and I’m not that bothered.

Same here. I would normally vote wedding over birthday, but considering that OP and her partner have not been invited to the whole day and that it's a milestone birthday, I am on team birthday.

So when would you say 30ths and 50ths became big things?

My answer based on my family was circa 25 years go.

We love birthdays in this house, they’re a big deal. But I’m team wedding normally. The birthday can happen early or delayed.

ETA - the meal issue is RUDE.

I agree with some of the posts,if you had been invited to the whole day that may be different,but to go all that way and having to make other arrangements for your children as well especially as they are so young,I don't think you would enjoy it anyway.Just send a lovely letter with a card,I'm sure she will understand.

I think you're probably right. They were never a thing before that. I remember in the late 90s people started to celebrate 40th.
30 and 50 etc are more recent.

I wouldn't go to the wedding this time. No children and no meal and long journey : ( not particularly appealing!
Your OH probably sees that too I expect. Otherwise I'd be suspicious of a nearly 30 year old being precious about their actual birthday day!
Apologies, card and small gift will suffice!

I think it's bizarre missing a friend's wedding over a 30th bday that u have nothing planned for, you can always celebrate a bday on another day, but a wedding you cannot. Ur finance is a whole grown man, it's not the end of the world if he has to delay the celebration of his bday or have it brought forward.
He's being controlling when there is no plans and wants to sit at home with his children and finance and parents, when that's done everyday anyway with the exception of parents.

A lot of people will feel this reasoning is bizarre. OPs fiancé had decided he wanted a family party for his 30th which is very considerate of those closest to him. OP said it is also for siblings & their children which is lovely. I wouldn't expect a friend to put my wedding before a family party for a special birthday. Many young people today celebrate their 30th as a significant milestone.