30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

I’m just picturing 40 pleb-assigned members of the wedding party gathering in McDonald’s so they get fed while The Family get a 3 course meal 🤣

Weddings trump birthdays. A one-off always trumps something that a) happens every year and b) can be celebrated on another day close by. That's a no-brainer to me.

This particular wedding does sound a bit annoying where you don't get fed properly so not attending because you're not invited to the whole thing anyway wouldn't be unreasonable. Don't make that decision anything to do with someone else's birthday though. That's weird.

I'm way more in this camp

Oh even just go to the evening do rather than the ceremony.

I agree with this. Nearly 4 hours to kill far from home and having to find somewhere to eat. No thanks.

If the sexes were reversed and the OP came on saying “My DH wants me to attend a wedding of his friend on my 30th without my kids, and we will be travelling 3 hours and won’t even be getting fed” she wouldn’t be called immature, she’d be told to LTB and that he is abusive

If she really wanted you to come you’d have a full day invite. She gave you an evening invite for a wedding that’s hours away. She’s the rude one. An evening wedding invite does not trump a milestone birthday.

Just send a reply " we will be thinking of you on your big day. Sadly the date clashes with John's big birthday but hope to catch up to see pics etc"
And don't give it another thought!

There isn’t a meal. OP would be kicked out until they’d finished their grub

Read the OP again. No nice meal for the OP at wedding. The Bride & Groom are putting family first, and so should the OP.

She doesn’t even have a full invite. Just an evening invite. Evening invites are never that close to you. I had some at my wedding and would not have been at all offended if they chose a milestone birthday instead. It’s not the same as a full day invite.

I'd normally say a wedding trumps a birthday but it's his 30th so it's a special one and he won't be with the kids if you go. I think unreasonable to say for example oh it's DH's 31st birthday so we can't attend but definitely not unreasonable to say you'll be doing something special with family and the kids as it's his 30th. I wouldn't expect anyone to celebrate a milestone birthday at my wedding. Not unless they were a close family member or a best friend and we'd make the whole weekend into a celebration for them too but the whole set up of the day is awkward for you so definitely not.

Ohhh I must have skim read. That is mega weird and rude

You’ve not been invited to the wedding breakfast. I think it’s fair enough to refuse given it’s your fiances birthday and no kid can come.

send a lovely gift, wish them the very best, and be enthusiastic about wedding photos or take bride for a pre wedding meal etc

I love weddings, and if this sounded like a fun wedding where your presence would be appreciated I would go to the wedding and see it as a nice way to celebrate. It sounds like a hassle though, to travel that distance and then spend the afternoon twiddling your thumbs so they could save money on your meals. I’d stick with the birthday.

you’re not important enough to spend the cost of a meal on, so why should she be important enough for your fiancé to have a shit birthday for?

Given the distance, the no-kids and the gap between ceremony and evening do (awful for all guests not invited to the Reception) I think it is perfect reasonable to send your apologies for the wedding.

You've really just been invited to the Evening do as anyone is allowed to attend a ceremony.

People who invite you to the ceremony and then only the evening do don't deserve guests.

Usually I’m very much weddings > birthdays, even milestone ones, but for goodness sake, what a shit wedding. You can’t expect people to come and celebrate with you three hours from their home without their children (and all the hassle and cost that comes with that!) and not even feed them! That’s terrible. Wtf are you meant to do for, what, three hours in the middle of the bloody day?! Rude. RSVP no and don’t feel the slightest bit guilty.

I'd do a weekend away with the family and find a local babysitter during the wedding. Maybe do that and go to the ceremony yourself only.

Send regrets - and a gift. Simply say, you're having a family party for DH's birthday that same day and the logistics just don't allow you to manage both.
If the wedding was nearby you could go for the ceremony, I would, but it's not.
There's no need for drama. If your friend is a normal person she'll see that it would be difficult for you regardless: three hours away, kids not invited.
When i see invites like this from supposed good friends I do wonder if the friendship really is that good...

Id swerve the wedding

Yep, team fiancé here too. Polite decline, maybe send a nice present.

Birthday

So you essentially only have an evening invite. So you're not that close to the bride. I'd say you had made plans already which can't be changed, apologise you can't be there, and maybe send a small gift.

I like to celebrate my birthday (I am expecting a card, something to open and at some point not necessarily the day itself a meal or trip out somewhere) but I wouldn't care if my DP wasn't around on my actual birthday due to something like a wedding that he had no choice of date in.