30th birthday or friend's wedding?

[petitesongbird]

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

Thanks everyone so far; very helpful responses.

The only other point I wanted to make was that this is a friend who made a huge deal of her own 30th (big party and a trip to New York). In comparison, I was in lockdown for my own and had no celebration at all, so I'm certainly not someone who has delusions of grandeur about big celebrations for birthdays! :)

Partner’s 30th would be my choice.
It’s a wedding, odds are that your friend is likely to have another. Plus, any invitation is just that, an invitation. You check your schedule and if free, decide if you wish to attend. Sadly for your friend, you are not free that weekend so cannot attend.

I would think it was weird to not go to a wedding just because it’s your birthday. I mean, you get one of those every year and you can always celebrate the next day.

But honestly I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I was left out of the meal and was childfree. It sounds like a massive PITA, you’re going to have to sort childcare and you’re going to end up eating at a shitty Toby Carvery somewhere while you wait around for everyone else to eat. No, too awkward for me.

So on the basis of most replies, it you were being at the meal too (which is family only) then you should go. But as she's not feeding you don't go .That doesn't seem anything to do with the birthday.....

Birthdays are for children. Tell him to grow up.

The bride should appreciate that your husband wants to celebrate then and that it's important to him. I would suggest taking them out for a nice meal after the wedding as you couldn't be there to celebrate on the day

You've got to do what feels right to you. For what it's worth, in your position, since the bride is a good friend, I would find a babysitter for the day and go to the wedding (with DP), enjoy seeing you friend married, take him out for a slap-up lunch in the 'meal beak', and make the day before or after the main family celebration of his birthday.
I find it surprising that an adult would mind so much about this coincidence of dates - to be honest, I think it's a bit childish.

Another saying that if you were invited to the whole day, I would expect a 30 year old to be OK with celebrating another day.

When you are only invited to the ceremony and the evening, not so much ...

I agree with almost everyone else. As you’re not invited to the meal your presence isn’t a priority, in which case you should not make the wedding your priority. It would be absolutely no fun anyway - a very long day with lots of hanging around. It’s just not really practical for you to go. Send her a card and a present and enjoy a lovely day with your family.

You're not invited to the meal and your kids aren't invited.

They're not expecting you to come.

The birthday is irrelevant. I wouldn’t not go to a wedding because of a birthday but I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I have to travel for hours and then have to disappear for the afternoon after only being invited to some of it.

I think if you're the type of people that think birthday celebrations have to take place on the actual day and can't be done on another close date then give the wedding a miss.

Own family milestone event before friend's one.
30th is quite a biggy, the one when you leave behind decade of building career/finish uni/party with mates etc to the proper grind of adulthood/kids etc.
IMO.
If venue wasn't 6 hour roundtrip with no kids allowed would have maybe tried to attend wedding ceremony only, the important part of a wedding, then had own family party later in day.
But it isn't, so big Birthday with own family 1st, you're only 30 once.

A wedding is more important then a birthday at home that can be done anytime

You were shocked because she chose your partner's birthday to get married ? ?

How very dare she..

Very weird to be invited to the ceremony, NOT the reception, then the evening do. You’ve travelled 3 hours to get there! What are you supposed to do when all the VIPs are stuffing their faces? Nip to Tesco for a meal deal?

I wouldn’t go for that point alone.

Totally agree with this. Birthdays can be celebrated on any day, they don't have to be celebrated on the actual day. But I wouldn't travel 3 hours each way to any wedding where I'm basically just an evening guest.

Maybe against the grain and I haven't read full thread (sorry) but it screams man children to me. He is a grown up. You can celebrate his birthday any day of the week .

I think he's , possibly unconsciously, spoilinh your friendship in an act do petty jealousy.

Bit direct, but it's what I think.

How good a friend is the friend? Lifelong, colleague type friend, good acquaintance?

It's really not that deep... I simply meant 'shocked' as in of all the dates, it happened to fall on his 30th. Of course she wouldn't have known, nor would I have expected her to. I was simply trying to convey how awkward it was when she told me the date on the spot in front of him. Clearly I haven't conveyed that particularly effectively! :)

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman I just don't see it that way or take these things so personally.

I just don't understand the offence taken and find it quite silly.

We've been to weddings where we've been evening guests, just gone to the ceremony or ceremony and evening but not the main wedding breakfast.

I don't feel affronted if I'm not invited to the whole thing and totally understand people have to make difficult choices and it doesn't necessarily reflect how much they like or value me.

The wedding where all our friends weren't going to the meal, we organised lunch and cocktails in between. It was really fun and none of us minded although we were fairly pissed when we got there.

The bride and groom, their parents and siblings just had a meal out. They wanted low key before the messy party later. It's fine.

Especially when your good friend expects you to drive 3 hours to the venue for the ceremony, then disappear for about 3 hours while the wedding party, family and possibly some very close friends enjoy the wedding dinner, then show up for the reception all while leaving your kids at home with your partner because your kids aren't invited so you'll be expected to hang around on your own. Sounds like a good time. 👍

I don’t get this at all! A wedding is hopefully once in a lifetime. He is a selfish , immature git.

Known her for around 7 years, and we know each other through work, but given our line of work, we see each other perhaps once or twice per month, outside of work (we're all self-employed). Perhaps talk once per week. So a good friend, but not a best friend, is probably the best way to describe her.

She knows you've got kids and need to travel 3 hours on your partner's birthday and she's not accommodating you in any way.

She does not expect you to attend.