To think that i would not choose them as friends?

[DonnyDoris]

I feel really conflicted about this - my nature is to accept people for who they are, what they are and not to judge, however peri meno seems to be making me increasingly less tolerant!!!
We have some friends - albeit more DH's friends than mine - who live in the village where we used to live. When we lived there we may have seen / socialised with them 1 / 2 times per month so not massively, although they were part of our lockdown bubble and i suppose it got a bit more frequent after that.
We moved house about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago, and honestly you would have thought the world had ended! Some very hurtful stuff was messaged to me by the wife, but I was told to let it all go because "that's just the way she is" - so I did, but it still niggles tbh.
Anyway, since the move, we've had to go back to the area a few times a week for my work and usually stay over at theirs 1 night per week - I can't deny that this is helpful for us financially as even a travelodge in the south is ££££, however on the occasions we don't stay there we get bloody chapter and verse on why would you camp / stay in a hotel / stay with other friends when you've got us??? To clarify though, I provide all the food and drink for when we stay - including alcohol, I cook, I take my own pillows and towels (they don't have a spare room so I sleep on the sofa and DH sleeps on a chair) - they literally are not put out by us.
I just find them sooooooooooooooooooo draining - the husband has recently been late diagnosed ADHD, and whilst he's always been a bit annoying, this seems to have massively increased since the diagnosis. The daughter has also been diagnosed ADHD which appears to have given her free reign to be a narcissistic spoiled entitled brat, but its ok "because ADHD" (a example from yesterday - she launched her almost brand new Iphone 14 in a temper, lost it in a field but that's fine because it's insured). The wife is depressed but wont seek help, gets medication from dodgy sources and goes round in a permanent state of negativity and hate.I've tried suggesting coping strategies / therapy / putting a positive spin on things, but it all falls on deaf ears because they are so stuck in their cycle they won't accept anything ..... DP is a super accepting understanding person adn really just sees it as an interesting scenario - he does get how I feel, but says I should change the way I feel as they can't change the way they are.
I honestly do completely get that all of these things must be so challenging to deal with and will totally mean that life will be nothing like it is for a neuro typical person, but I just find any time with them so draining - they are not even people I would choose for friends in the first place, so I really don't think it's their issues that cause me not to want to spend time with them - they are just not my people!
So....
AIBU - I should just fight my feelings and suck it all up because of their issues
AINBU - It's OK not to like people regardless of their issues

So you think you are doing them a favour staying every week? Nothing to do with saving ££££?

You may have had to move etc but that was years ago. Take back some control and stop grabbing onto theories like you holding their marriage together. You're accepting a favour from them which is allowing you to continue your current role without paying through the nose or put yourselves out.

Drop the mental gymnastics where you think there is some reciprocity here.

I think it'll allow you to see a lot more clearly and make the best decisions for the future. Do you really want to be travelling hundreds of miles a week, staying with people you speak like that about and having to camp in all weathers for the sake of a job?

Your posts are confusing, you’re saying you don’t like these people and would prefer not to stay with them. But you’re also saying you could not afford a hotel for two nights every week so need to stay with them one night ?

If you can stay elsewhere for the two nights, then do that. If you need to stay with them one night a week for financial reasons, be appreciative.

Well they sound awful, but so do you!
You stay at their house every week and use them to save money but you don't even like them and come on here to bitch about them.
Then try to make out like you are doing them a favour.

it's not very easy to quickly change a job or move house - obviously these are solutions to the current situation but not exactly able to be implemented immediately

This is true. But this situation has been going on for THREE YEARS. You must be totally burnt out with the travelling and sofa surfing, leaving the issues with these people to one side.

December is the wrong time to be looking for work but come on. You, and your DH, need to be throwing absolutely everything into getting a job nearer where you live.

Even your IABU/IANBU split didn't make sense. You discounted the fact that you are the one who is the problem

I think you're using them. If you were wfh you'd never see them this much. Go on spare room.com or try or arrange a little deal with a airbnb or bnb so that you pay your way. If you put the general location you're wanting to live at then we could have a look to help you

If you need to hold on to a job in London (maybe because of your industry?) then you need to find a more sustainable solution than sofa-surfing every week.
If it's only your job that requires you to be down South, why does your husband need to be there too? I know several people who work in London and live elsewhere (one lives in Dublin) they rent a cheap room as a mid-week lodger, or 'mon-fri let', most head in to the office straight from home, stay at their digs a couple of nights, then head home straight after work a couple of days later.
I just found several for under £500 a month, exact terms are obviously unique to each property, so you just need to do a bit of googling to find something that suits. Once you're in and it's working, buy your friends a lovely gift for "generously putting up with you, while you got yourself sorted " and exit this arrangement as kindly and gracefully as possible!

You have had three years to find other jobs!!

You can dislike them, the fact they are neurodiverse is nothing special. They now think that far more of the population are.

Do try and find a new job, the situation as it is can't be good for your own mental health. I wish you luck @DonnyDoris

I agree with posters saying that you need to prioritize finding a new job closer to home. Ok, it won’t happen overnight, but this situation is untenable.

If you don't like them, stop using them as somewhere to stay for free! I think it's very nice of them - I wouldn't want anyone sleeping in my lounge 1 day a week. You don't have anything nice to say about them so find yourself somewhere else to stay.

With all this traveling it seems you’re focused on the wrong problem - you need to change your jobs or move back South.
Meanwhile there’s no way I’d stay with them - just book a room anywhere - why does it have to be in the same village? Or look at renting a bedsit - you want a bed(!) and somewhere to cook. If you want to reduce contact with these ‘friends’ this is ideal time to do it. You’re too enmeshed with them, no wonder you resent them.

So you are both working three days a week there?

The majority of the week?

If your husband doesn't need to then just a week time room for you might be cheaper?

Why did you move 2.5 hours away if you need to be back there every week? And you’re been kipping on a sofa/chair ( ffs🙄) for 3 years with people you don’t like?
Anyone else find this whole situation batshit?

You're still in their house every week. Just book the hotel for everyone's sake.

Stop using these people - whom you clearly do not like and look down upon - and get a hotel.

Simple.

No wonder they kick off when you don’t stay with them, they must enjoy the food/alcohol/attention.

I get they seem pretty volatile so not wanting to cause offence- could you not say bad back/neck/ sleep walking so need to stay in a bed? Or you will be arriving really late? Basically make it clear you need a bed! Suggest a meal together and then gradually wind down the time there? If she gets funny then you have ammunition to just say it’s better you don’t pop over at all

You need to bite the bullet and let them know you won't be staying with them going forward. However, you've shown yourself to be pretty ableist based on your comments on ADHD so perhaps reflect on that.

There isn’t a solution to your question it seems because even if it is untenable and ?slightly ridiculous to keep staying with them you’re saying it’s basically your only option - you’ve said you can’t afford the hotel / rent if you weren’t to stay with them … and you have also said you have looked into other options none of which would work ?
What are your plans for the future ? long term will this situation work for you and if not then it sounds like it will have to be a more major change you would need to make in terms of either job or where you live as you’ve exhausted other options

I do @MagicFarawayTea
OP doesn't like them, slags them off, stays regularly but says she doesn't use them?! Ok then!
The whole situation is batshit!

What cheeky fuckers you are.

You mean force yourself to like them because they’re useful to you.

You have proven your own point re neurodivergence being relevant wrong here. You yourself lack any sort of understanding of social boundaries. You're asking if it's 'wrong' to not like someone but kicking off when you're told you're using them. Everyone else here understands this but you don't so asserting this as something to do with neurodivergence is clear rubbish. You find the husband and daughter annoying, no problem. However you're neurotypical and clearly very, very annoying.

And as for blaming the peri menopause?! Not an excuse at all! Clutching at straws there I'm afraid. You've never liked them and I think it's time you were honest and put some effort into getting yourselves sorted out properly. All I can see is excuses as to why nothing else will work. Sounds like you're just settling for the easy option, because you can't be bothered.
You're stringing these people along making them think they have genuine friends. And I think that's truly awful.