To think that i would not choose them as friends?

[DonnyDoris]

I feel really conflicted about this - my nature is to accept people for who they are, what they are and not to judge, however peri meno seems to be making me increasingly less tolerant!!!
We have some friends - albeit more DH's friends than mine - who live in the village where we used to live. When we lived there we may have seen / socialised with them 1 / 2 times per month so not massively, although they were part of our lockdown bubble and i suppose it got a bit more frequent after that.
We moved house about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago, and honestly you would have thought the world had ended! Some very hurtful stuff was messaged to me by the wife, but I was told to let it all go because "that's just the way she is" - so I did, but it still niggles tbh.
Anyway, since the move, we've had to go back to the area a few times a week for my work and usually stay over at theirs 1 night per week - I can't deny that this is helpful for us financially as even a travelodge in the south is ££££, however on the occasions we don't stay there we get bloody chapter and verse on why would you camp / stay in a hotel / stay with other friends when you've got us??? To clarify though, I provide all the food and drink for when we stay - including alcohol, I cook, I take my own pillows and towels (they don't have a spare room so I sleep on the sofa and DH sleeps on a chair) - they literally are not put out by us.
I just find them sooooooooooooooooooo draining - the husband has recently been late diagnosed ADHD, and whilst he's always been a bit annoying, this seems to have massively increased since the diagnosis. The daughter has also been diagnosed ADHD which appears to have given her free reign to be a narcissistic spoiled entitled brat, but its ok "because ADHD" (a example from yesterday - she launched her almost brand new Iphone 14 in a temper, lost it in a field but that's fine because it's insured). The wife is depressed but wont seek help, gets medication from dodgy sources and goes round in a permanent state of negativity and hate.I've tried suggesting coping strategies / therapy / putting a positive spin on things, but it all falls on deaf ears because they are so stuck in their cycle they won't accept anything ..... DP is a super accepting understanding person adn really just sees it as an interesting scenario - he does get how I feel, but says I should change the way I feel as they can't change the way they are.
I honestly do completely get that all of these things must be so challenging to deal with and will totally mean that life will be nothing like it is for a neuro typical person, but I just find any time with them so draining - they are not even people I would choose for friends in the first place, so I really don't think it's their issues that cause me not to want to spend time with them - they are just not my people!
So....
AIBU - I should just fight my feelings and suck it all up because of their issues
AINBU - It's OK not to like people regardless of their issues

Don't tell them, then. Just stay in a Travelodge and don't tell them you're around.

The fact that they're neurodivergent is irrelevant to all of this - you don't enjoy their company or have anything in common with them. It doesn't matter whether or not their neurodiversity is a factor.

“can't afford £1k ish per month for accommodation and travel”

I need to know more about this.

I’m currently too confused.

Why?

Are you one of those couples that moved out to the middle of nowhere during Covid times thinking you would be wfh forever and now you’re expected into the office where you used to live? Because normally if you had to travel for work, work would pay for it..
If that is the case I suggest looking for a new job where you currently live or moving back to where you were.
And stop staying with people you hate.

You don't like them, so why are you so desperate to please them, and to think that you're pleasing them by sleeping in their living room, when it doesn't suit you at all, which adds to your resentment about the relationship?

How hard can it be to say that you don't get a good night's sleep on a sofa and chair, and that while you've been grateful for them putting you up to date, you're going to stay in a hotel or AirBnb in future?

You're literally tied to them now because you moved away and NEED to stay with them

They are still doing you a favour 🤷‍♀️ and it's like a devils bargain

Move back and dump them, you literally can't stand them 😂

I don't understand, you say you are happy to stay at theirs OBVIOUSLY ?? but you don't really like them?

And you're doing it to placate them?

Then later you say you can't afford the £1000 for hotels or don't want the 6 hour commute.

So which is it? Because to me it sounds like you are in conflict with yourself, you know it's not fair to be using them, but you're not prepared to stop as it is inconvenient to you and don't want to deal with the fallout.

I really don't think anyone can help you when you're not ready to be honest with yourself a out the situation.

A hotel once a week is not going to be £1k and you're doing the travel anyway. Why can't you just book a hotel once a week? Lie and say you're no longer down in London/the south much for work.

Regardless of whether you want to continue to be friends with these people, it sounds to me like you can't really afford to live in your current home and work several days a week 3 hours drive away. If it only works because you have free accommodation it's not sustainable. Was it expected to be a short term arrangement that has dragged on, or is it a longer term thing?

DH has work down there too, sort of - thats a whole other thread though!!
Prob is, I can't afford £1k ish per month for accommodation and travel and a 6 hour commute doesn't really work either

Why did you move away so far from your workplace if you can't afford to travel back?

My work dictates that I now have to spend 3 days per week in the office - the office is in the south of the country, I live 3 hours away in the north
To comply, I will need to travel nearly 200 miles each way and spend 2 nights per week in a hotel - for a month this costs approx £1k

Still worth it. My peace of mind doesn't have a price tag.

This. Surely you realise this is unaffordable. If you didn’t like me but used me for weekly accommodation I would be really hurt. You are definitely putting them out, they have to host, can’t use the room you are sofa surfing in, share bathroom facilities, hot water, electricity etc.

Why on earth did you move so far away from your and Dhs work??
So you stay with them every week?! Ouch!!

Because when we moved my work was fully WFH, and even if I did go back fuel, hotels and eating out (necessary when staying away) were significantly cheaper 3 years ago than they are now - COL!!

Why do you stay with them once a week if you’d need a hotel for three days?

Why does your husband sort of work there? Does he or doesn’t he? None of this really makes sense.

Your DH has slept on a chair over 150 times in the past three years. Why?

edited - cross posted but I’ll leave the comments there anyway.

They are not put out by you??? Are you fucking nuts.

They are providing a roof over your head. Take your food and your cooking to a local layby and see how well that suits you.

What you need to do is not stay with them at all and then you can have all the opinions you want about them

Just because you were so judgemental about their diagnoses... Getting a diagnosis does tend to lead to less masking. That may be why the dad is being more himself around you. And the dreadful child, children with ADHD receive 10s of thousands more negative comments in their childhoods, leading to PDA, anxiety, depression and other awful things. Being judicious with criticism is important. Including when they do reckless and impulsive things like throw a phone.

Just make better arrangements and sort your working situation out. It's ridiculous to do this for three years. And yes, it's a massive imposition. So much, I wonder about a reverse.

Lots of people have been caught out by being asked to return to the office after fully WFH. Are there any local jobs you can apply for @DonnyDoris?

You don’t want to pay hotel fees but you don’t want to stay with people you don’t like either? What is it that you do want?

This, they're probably having desperate conversations of 'how do we bloody stop this!!'

Helpful - thanks!
Yes we are "one of those people" - because we were kicked out of our rented accomodation as our landlord was "one of those people" who sold up during covid time as he could no longer afford to be a landlord. We couldn't afford to buy or rent in the south, and had to move further north. My company was very accomodating until a new boss moved in about a year ago who was "one of those people" who though WFH shouldn't be a thing anymore
HTH

You need to move or get a different job, OR look at your contract. If it says wfh, can they insist you go into the office? Other people here should be able to advise you on that.

Then you either need to find a form of accommodation you can afford, but which doesn't involve you staying with people you don't like, or you need a new job. Or to move back closer to your office.

I know quite a few people who have weekly 'commutes' like this, and most of them live as 'not quite lodgers' in someone's spare room, paying a special cut-price rate on the basis that they'll only be there two nights a week or whatever. Or one friend had an arrangement with an off-season BnB that was usually closed to visitors, but appreciated a small regular income just for the use of a room.

I wish they were - however the daily texts of when are we seeing you next etc don't really make me think this