To think that i would not choose them as friends?

[DonnyDoris]

I feel really conflicted about this - my nature is to accept people for who they are, what they are and not to judge, however peri meno seems to be making me increasingly less tolerant!!!
We have some friends - albeit more DH's friends than mine - who live in the village where we used to live. When we lived there we may have seen / socialised with them 1 / 2 times per month so not massively, although they were part of our lockdown bubble and i suppose it got a bit more frequent after that.
We moved house about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago, and honestly you would have thought the world had ended! Some very hurtful stuff was messaged to me by the wife, but I was told to let it all go because "that's just the way she is" - so I did, but it still niggles tbh.
Anyway, since the move, we've had to go back to the area a few times a week for my work and usually stay over at theirs 1 night per week - I can't deny that this is helpful for us financially as even a travelodge in the south is ££££, however on the occasions we don't stay there we get bloody chapter and verse on why would you camp / stay in a hotel / stay with other friends when you've got us??? To clarify though, I provide all the food and drink for when we stay - including alcohol, I cook, I take my own pillows and towels (they don't have a spare room so I sleep on the sofa and DH sleeps on a chair) - they literally are not put out by us.
I just find them sooooooooooooooooooo draining - the husband has recently been late diagnosed ADHD, and whilst he's always been a bit annoying, this seems to have massively increased since the diagnosis. The daughter has also been diagnosed ADHD which appears to have given her free reign to be a narcissistic spoiled entitled brat, but its ok "because ADHD" (a example from yesterday - she launched her almost brand new Iphone 14 in a temper, lost it in a field but that's fine because it's insured). The wife is depressed but wont seek help, gets medication from dodgy sources and goes round in a permanent state of negativity and hate.I've tried suggesting coping strategies / therapy / putting a positive spin on things, but it all falls on deaf ears because they are so stuck in their cycle they won't accept anything ..... DP is a super accepting understanding person adn really just sees it as an interesting scenario - he does get how I feel, but says I should change the way I feel as they can't change the way they are.
I honestly do completely get that all of these things must be so challenging to deal with and will totally mean that life will be nothing like it is for a neuro typical person, but I just find any time with them so draining - they are not even people I would choose for friends in the first place, so I really don't think it's their issues that cause me not to want to spend time with them - they are just not my people!
So....
AIBU - I should just fight my feelings and suck it all up because of their issues
AINBU - It's OK not to like people regardless of their issues

ok - if that's what you think

I don't like jumping on someone but this isn't really an opinion thing - you're using them and their home because you can't afford to attend your workplace otherwise. You don't like them or want to socialise with them outside of that. At least admit you're using them.

You've done some weird self-deception, justification stuff here.

This. It’s all a bit baffling.

OP, you did choose them as friends. And you continue to do so. Nobody is making you. You could stop, tomorrow.

This isn’t a dilemma. This is you using people because it’s expedient, then moaning about them.

OP - you literally said that you stay there once a week because you can’t afford not to. You are using them.

Why did you move 2.5 hours away from work. And yes, even taking food, drink and bedding you are still putting them out by being there in their house

'This was unsustainable and irrational and ridiculous from week one. Why on earth haven't you both found jobs in your home area? Three years. Three years. And you have the nerve to complain about them..'

Yes what a crazy situation.

Either move back , get a local job, or rent a b&b whilst at work. It's exhausting even reading this. Who sleeps on sofas for 3 years?!

When/if you get a new job ensure t&c re wfh are written in your contract before moving 3hrs away.

If you don't think you are behaving like a user I cannot imagine what you would feel is actually being a user.

Two thoughts after reading all your posts:

1. yes it’s fine not to like people and to want to end a friendship. I appreciate they won’t like it but just stop staying there - if you must, claim bad backs from sleeping on the sofa/chair or something. If they continue to argue against it - ignore them! They don’t have any claim over you or the right to make you stay with them.
2. This situation of living a million miles away from work is completely untenable. Finding more local jobs needs to be your absolute priority and focus. Or finding a house much closer to work. It’s absolute madness.

I'm not using anyone, self justifying or any of the other things pp's are saying.
If at all possible I would prefer not to be dependent on or stay with anyone ever - least of all these people
We stay with them because they are DH's friends and if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry from them
I cook, provide bedding, towels and DH provides transport - yes we "invade" their space but they appear to want us to be there
I didn't know when we moved that the office rules around my job would change - it's not very easy to quickly change a job or move house - obviously these are solutions to the current situation but not exactly able to be implemented immediately.
I have fully admitted on here that I don't really like these people and would not choose them to be my friends. They are DH's friends - and I believe the ND is important in that it means their social boundaries are different hence they are desperate for us to be there no matter what

"We stay with them because they are DH's friends and if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry from them
I cook, provide bedding, towels and DH provides transport - yes we "invade" their space but they appear to want us to be there"

You're an adult, you could say "no thank you, I need a bed these days haha" in response to their outcry and sort something yourself... but when anyone has suggested other ideas you say you can't afford them!

Do you have to like them? No

Do you have to be friends with them? No

Is it ok to stay at their house once a week to save you a bit of cash knowing full well you don’t actually like them and if not for the convenience you’d never see them again? Also no!

@DonnyDoris if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry from them

This is not your problem. Stand firm and hold your boundary. As I said before, use an excuse like bad backs if you have to but don’t let them make you stay there through fear of their outrage. “We are so grateful for you putting us up all those times in the past but we won’t be staying anymore”. Just keep repeating it. They cannot force you!

If you cannot afford to stay away from home for your work, and you want to continue to accept the "accommodation" provided by these people, then you are guilty of using them.
You cannot complain about them if you are letting the situation continue because it suits you financially.

Well you say no to them for two of the three nights per week - what’s so different about saying no to one more night?

The dichotomy of them kicking up if you don't stay with them and you not being able to afford not to stay with them. What a dilemma.

You posted, we’ve given our opinions. If you didn’t actually want to know if you were being unreasonable, you shouldn’t have asked.

If at all possible I would prefer not to be dependent on or stay with anyone ever - least of all these people

Then stop, ffs. You already make other arrangements for two of the three days. Dort something for the third.

We stay with them because they are DH's friends and if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry from them

So what? You’re literally living your life this because you want to avoid ‘outcry’ from people you don’t even like? That is genuinely one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on here.

I have fully admitted on here that I don't really like these people and would not choose them to be my friends.

You’ve literally chosen them as your friends. The fact that you don’t like them and are staying there anyway, is using them. However many towels you bring, and however nice the dinners you make. You’re a user.

I believe the ND is important in that it means their social boundaries are different hence they are desperate for us to be there no matter what

Again, so what?

This made me laugh! 🤣

if we chose to stay elsewhere within a 30 mile radius there is outcry
Then you ride out that storm, they'll either get over it or you (and more importantly your DH) lose them as friends. BTW what does your DH think about it all?
I'm not sure you've properly responded to the suggestions of getting a midweek lodger arrangement (spareroom.com?) or strike a deal with an affordable B&B. Caravans are cheaper to buy than campervans but you need a seasonal pitch. However, really you just need a job nearer home!

I have the impression the husband is happy with the arrangement, even if he has to sleep on a chair (!). So maybe this is something the two of you need to sort out.

Hello. This sounds like a tricky situation. Just to offer some thoughts. Staying with them is clearly not what you want as it not practical nor does it sound like you actually like these people. While you highlight how your not staying with them results in upset, staying with them does save you costs of which you are well aware and this is the real dilemma. As an adult you can of course not like people and you do not need to stay with people you do not like. But you have chosen to stay with them repeatedly. Without the financial benefit, I wonder if your choice would’ve be the same this far?
It’d be worth reflecting on how you describe people you have known for years. Your judgment of their behaviour and faux fear of discriminating just suggests little understanding or empathy of life experience that is different to your own. Clearly the trade off of putting up with their ‘draining’ company to save costs is no longer worth it for you. Let’s not dress it up as anything else. I apologise if this feels harsh but it’s what I’ve understood from your posts so far and it may be the full picture is different. Best wishes

Please stop with the ignorant and judgemental comments about neurodivergence. Self-justify all you want but using blanket generalisations about neurodivergence as an excuse for your behaviour is just awful.

I think they are the people pleasers in this scenario: they clearly feel bad for your situation and are trying to make you feel welcome, encouraging you to stay with them in order to help you out of your mess. They have helped you for three years!

Whereas you can barely hide how much you despise them and resent being dependent on their goodwill, even through all the “they desperately want us to stay”, “they are my husband’s friends”, “they need us there to help with their neurodivergence/relationship issues/miserable lives” crap

I agree - and this is really where my dilemma lies. I'm more than happy not to stay at theirs - obviously! But when we dont, it's like WW3 has kicked off and in their eyes we are rejecting them - so we stay to placate.....

WW3 and being accused of rejection is nonsense OP which you don’t placate, you steer clear of.
Why would you allow them to have a hold on you like this? That’s not friendship in any way, it’s madness.
You provide all the food and drink and bedding, do the cooking, have to sleep on a sofa and a chair and give lifts at 5.30am. All for what? All that discomfort!

Find somewhere else to stay asap. It’s perfectly acceptable (to normal people) to tell them that you are hugely grateful for everything they have done for you, it’s been lovely, but your circumstances have changed and you won’t be needing to bother them from now on…..good things come to an end etc etc.
Don’t let anybody put you in this position again. It’s crazy that you feel so beholden to them.
You need a proper sleep in a proper bed to do a good job at work…..and to think straight.

This is a highly unusual situation so if the person you're staying with who you've now admitted you don't like uses Mumsnet, or in fact any mutual contacts who knows your circumstances does, your friend will know your true feelings soon enough. I imagine that will put a swift end to the dilemma of staying with them.

@DonnyDoris what I don’t understand is why you are bothered if they go ballistic about you not staying there any more.

You don’t like them. If they create a huge fuss, you just break off the “friendship”

You have had so many responses and the solutions are all there.

You need to find a new job closer to your home. Start looking. Begin.

You stay with these people because of your work, it doesn't sound like it's really for your DH. He doesn't need to come with you and if so, you don't have to be forced into staying with friends he is closer with than you. Everyone is enmeshed here.

Look for a private weekday room rental at reduced rate while you find a new job. Start looking. Begin.

The next text you get from the friends asking "when you are coming?" tell them your work arrangement has changed and you don't need to travel. Stay in the hotel until you have the room sorted. Tell your friends less. Stop sharing your plans and don't post to social media. Leave the friendship to DH.

End of problem.