To think that i would not choose them as friends?

[DonnyDoris]

I feel really conflicted about this - my nature is to accept people for who they are, what they are and not to judge, however peri meno seems to be making me increasingly less tolerant!!!
We have some friends - albeit more DH's friends than mine - who live in the village where we used to live. When we lived there we may have seen / socialised with them 1 / 2 times per month so not massively, although they were part of our lockdown bubble and i suppose it got a bit more frequent after that.
We moved house about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago, and honestly you would have thought the world had ended! Some very hurtful stuff was messaged to me by the wife, but I was told to let it all go because "that's just the way she is" - so I did, but it still niggles tbh.
Anyway, since the move, we've had to go back to the area a few times a week for my work and usually stay over at theirs 1 night per week - I can't deny that this is helpful for us financially as even a travelodge in the south is ££££, however on the occasions we don't stay there we get bloody chapter and verse on why would you camp / stay in a hotel / stay with other friends when you've got us??? To clarify though, I provide all the food and drink for when we stay - including alcohol, I cook, I take my own pillows and towels (they don't have a spare room so I sleep on the sofa and DH sleeps on a chair) - they literally are not put out by us.
I just find them sooooooooooooooooooo draining - the husband has recently been late diagnosed ADHD, and whilst he's always been a bit annoying, this seems to have massively increased since the diagnosis. The daughter has also been diagnosed ADHD which appears to have given her free reign to be a narcissistic spoiled entitled brat, but its ok "because ADHD" (a example from yesterday - she launched her almost brand new Iphone 14 in a temper, lost it in a field but that's fine because it's insured). The wife is depressed but wont seek help, gets medication from dodgy sources and goes round in a permanent state of negativity and hate.I've tried suggesting coping strategies / therapy / putting a positive spin on things, but it all falls on deaf ears because they are so stuck in their cycle they won't accept anything ..... DP is a super accepting understanding person adn really just sees it as an interesting scenario - he does get how I feel, but says I should change the way I feel as they can't change the way they are.
I honestly do completely get that all of these things must be so challenging to deal with and will totally mean that life will be nothing like it is for a neuro typical person, but I just find any time with them so draining - they are not even people I would choose for friends in the first place, so I really don't think it's their issues that cause me not to want to spend time with them - they are just not my people!
So....
AIBU - I should just fight my feelings and suck it all up because of their issues
AINBU - It's OK not to like people regardless of their issues

You stay with them, despite the fact they cannot actually accommodate you properly AND they don't feed you either?

Mate - end this nonsense. Stay elsewhere and if they find out, tell them you weren't at all comfortable and leave it there.

I totally get that you don't really want to spend time with them, but while you're using their house each week to stay in, you can't complain.
Either accept how they are, and stay with them, or stay somewhere else.

I totally get that you don't really want to spend time with them, but while you're using their house each week to stay in, you can't complain.
Either accept how they are, and stay with them, or stay somewhere else.

Just book the Travelodge going forward and say you’re feeling too old to be sleeping on a sofa/chair one night a week.

You stay with them one night per week and think they aren't put out by you?

You sleep in their sofa once a week? And cater for everyone for the privilege of doing this?

You must be off your tits.

@VickyEadieofThigh thank you! This is exactly what I want to do - but so afraid of being the bad guy and "discriminating"

Yep - I think i am!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not like anyone, you are free to like and not like who you choose! But, it’s a bit cheeky to use them for free accommodation if you really don’t like them. The pattern of them expecting you to stay with them will not change until you do something different and reset the dynamic and expectations.

In what way would they be when i provide all of the food, drink, bedding, towels and DP gives him a lift to the station at 5.30am?

Of course you don't have to like them or be friends with them if you don't want.

You also don't have to stay with them given you don't actually like them.

So it's up to you, pay up for the Travelodge or stay at theirs but I think that's going to get harder if you admit to yourself you don't like them.

In what way are you discriminating?

And why is your DH there if you're travelling for work?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd either suck up the cost of travel or extend my commute.

How can your DH do a proper days work after sleeping in a chair, you are both a bit bonkers TBH to let yourselves get sucked into this

I agree - and this is really where my dilemma lies. I'm more than happy not to stay at theirs - obviously! But when we dont, it's like WW3 has kicked off and in their eyes we are rejecting them - so we stay to placate.....

What a very odd situation you have manifested 😂😂😂

Discriminating? What do you think is discriminatory?

Also I've just re read. You've been doing this for 3 years?

Assuming this isn't a wind up.

Start to be more kind to yourself. Sleep in a bed. Especially if you have work the next day.

Of course we're all different and no ones perfect. But don't spend too much time with people you're not that keen on.

DH has work down there too, sort of - thats a whole other thread though!!
Prob is, I can't afford £1k ish per month for accommodation and travel and a 6 hour commute doesn't really work either

Yes !!!!

Sadly not a wind up - and yes - 3 years this week actually!

It’s very tricky. I do think you have an ideal excuse though of needing a proper bed for a decent sleep before a days work. Then it needs to be considered whether you want a brief catch up when you are in the area, or if the time has come to let it fizzle out.

You are literally in their house, sleeping in their living room and generally being in their space. Now it's lovely that they are OK with that, and great that you are making yourself as low impact a guest as possible, but stop making it sound like you are doing THEM some kind of favour by gracing them with your presence.
It sounds like they believe you are close friends and you are just using them for your convenience while judging and bitching behind their backs, so yes, I think you should do all of you a favour and stop faking it. Pay for your travel lodge with the convenient excuse that although you really appreciate them letting you stay your back is too old for sleeping in a chair etc.
Meet them for a meal some of the times you are down and gradually scale it back a bit so you are less involved in their lives.

Obviously a six-hour commute isn't ideal, but if it's the choice between that and this weird situation, then yes, I would be going with the 18-hour day once a week or whatever.

I'd have to do that commute 3 x per week if i didn't stay over

Just make up a bad back or something that requires you both to sleep in a proper bed each night.

If they moan, then it’s “Sorry you feel that way, but we are following our doctor’s instructions. Shall we catch up for dinner instead?”

I absolutely could not put up with this situation!! You're not keen on them, you take food/bedding/towels/lift to the station for you to sleep on a sofa and your husband on a chair, once a week! Nope, sorry, I would be booking a Travelodge or Premier Inn. You have to stop the madness, and stop staying with them. If they don't like it, then tough. Say you're both getting too old to be sleeping on a sofa and chair. You need a proper bed, so you can both get a decent night's sleep. Thank them for the hospitality, send a bottle of wine/flowers, and let that be the end!