To think that i would not choose them as friends?

[DonnyDoris]

I feel really conflicted about this - my nature is to accept people for who they are, what they are and not to judge, however peri meno seems to be making me increasingly less tolerant!!!
We have some friends - albeit more DH's friends than mine - who live in the village where we used to live. When we lived there we may have seen / socialised with them 1 / 2 times per month so not massively, although they were part of our lockdown bubble and i suppose it got a bit more frequent after that.
We moved house about 2.5 hours away 3 years ago, and honestly you would have thought the world had ended! Some very hurtful stuff was messaged to me by the wife, but I was told to let it all go because "that's just the way she is" - so I did, but it still niggles tbh.
Anyway, since the move, we've had to go back to the area a few times a week for my work and usually stay over at theirs 1 night per week - I can't deny that this is helpful for us financially as even a travelodge in the south is ££££, however on the occasions we don't stay there we get bloody chapter and verse on why would you camp / stay in a hotel / stay with other friends when you've got us??? To clarify though, I provide all the food and drink for when we stay - including alcohol, I cook, I take my own pillows and towels (they don't have a spare room so I sleep on the sofa and DH sleeps on a chair) - they literally are not put out by us.
I just find them sooooooooooooooooooo draining - the husband has recently been late diagnosed ADHD, and whilst he's always been a bit annoying, this seems to have massively increased since the diagnosis. The daughter has also been diagnosed ADHD which appears to have given her free reign to be a narcissistic spoiled entitled brat, but its ok "because ADHD" (a example from yesterday - she launched her almost brand new Iphone 14 in a temper, lost it in a field but that's fine because it's insured). The wife is depressed but wont seek help, gets medication from dodgy sources and goes round in a permanent state of negativity and hate.I've tried suggesting coping strategies / therapy / putting a positive spin on things, but it all falls on deaf ears because they are so stuck in their cycle they won't accept anything ..... DP is a super accepting understanding person adn really just sees it as an interesting scenario - he does get how I feel, but says I should change the way I feel as they can't change the way they are.
I honestly do completely get that all of these things must be so challenging to deal with and will totally mean that life will be nothing like it is for a neuro typical person, but I just find any time with them so draining - they are not even people I would choose for friends in the first place, so I really don't think it's their issues that cause me not to want to spend time with them - they are just not my people!
So....
AIBU - I should just fight my feelings and suck it all up because of their issues
AINBU - It's OK not to like people regardless of their issues

What you describe is called being manipulative. No, it isn't OK to do that.

I'm not using them - they're my DH's friends mostly and they would be mortified if they knew I felt this way.

Come on. Be serious. It’s a huge favour!

You’re taking advantage of people you don’t really like very much. Not sure what you’re hoping to get of this thread tbh.

Nothing matters here other than they don't have room for you so you can't stay there, simple.
It will fade away I am sure once you stop that

Doesn't add up at all.

You have given a lot of extremely specific information about them on a widely read social media platform so I imagine they will know pretty soon.

I wouldn’t be able to stand this arrangement even if it was a luxurious private room at my best friend’s place, so you’re doing well to have put up with it for so long. Could you try to stay in a cheap premier inn on the outskirts of London (if it is London?) There needs to be a sustainable solution. What do your colleagues do? Are they just paying the higher rent or commuting costs?

So, don't tell them you will be coming south.

You see them so frequently and you don’t even seem to like them or want to be their friends, but you need to stay at their house for free because of your work.

I think you and your husband need to get a new job locally so you can stop relying on these people (who probably consider you guys very good friends)

It's so very strange that you feel so entitled to stay at their home and yet do not want to be their close friends.

They are doing you a massive favour by saving you so much money and you are full of spite for them.

Completely missing the point, but why move so far away if you have to go there to work several times a week? None of it makes sense.

This isnt a dilemma - it's simple. You dont like them and they've sent you weird negative messages and they say weird negative things.

So stop hanging out with them, stop staying with them etc Fade them out.

It has zero to do with ADHD- if we are being equal opportunities here, there are plenty of bloody annoying people who DONT have ADHD who you wouldnt choose to spend time with so why are you treating them differently to anyone else?

It could be peri or it could just be the older you get, the more you realise how precious your time is and that it's not to be wasted on people who drag you down. Take responsibility for your life and cultivate a friendship group that enhances your life, not minimises it.

Of course you’re using them! Tell them how you really view them and then at least they can decide for themselves if they still want someone who hates them in their home once a week!

"simply looking for another job" is a little bit more difficult than it sounds!

I think you both need new jobs much closer to where you live now.

Slightly missing the point of the post but I know someone who was in a similar situation (company said they could attend a local office then subsequently changed their tune and expected the person to commute to London). They were able to negotiate a reduced rate with certain hotels given the frequency of their stays (two nights a week), it was a corporate style discount despite the person having to book and pay for this themselves. They have since found another job though, commuting is miserable!

Camper vans are not 30k 😂well, posh fancy ones are, but vans you can sleep in (proper converted ones) come considerably cheaper! And £30 a night at a pitch somewhere doesn't sound too bad, you couldn't expect much cheaper at a budget hotel.

What a fucking nightmare.

I couldn't stand to stay with them. And I think they'd be better off it you didn't come - even if they currently think otherwise and beg you to come.

If you're driving there, you could look for a premier inn or whatever that is a bit further from where you need to be - you could get a cheaper room, but you can drive to wherever you need to be the next day.

Other than that, I don't know. I think your post needs to be concentrating on solutions to your practical problem, rather than analysing people you don't like and want nothing to do with. And should have nothing to do with.

I also can't really see how buying food and alcohol for everyone is working out to be very budget friendly for you. It sounds an absolute nightmare and I'd end it now.

Absolutely fine to distance yourself if you don't like them.

Not ok to stay with them every week and complain about them. And no matter how much you cook, bring your own towels people sometimes want their own space. Even if you are no inconvenience at all it is still a huge favour to you.

I would be looking for a new job. In the meantime appreciate the massive favour and try to focus on their good points.

They sound like a handful but I think you're royally taking the piss by staying with them every single week- presumably they want you there because they think you're friends, but you write about them as if you thoroughly dislike them. It would be a lot kinder to cool off the friendship and sort yourselves out with work. It must be costing you a fortune to commute that often and that long.

This is a bonkers situation. You're spending half the week away from home every week. Just move to where you work or work where you live. Then you won't have to deal with these people any more. They'll likely be pleased.

I know it is but you know you really must keep looking. Your current working pattern and travelling is unsustainable.

Send your cv round to lots of companies nearer to where you live, scan the papers. If there are any employment agencies that cater to your field, register with them. Something will turn up sooner or later.

As your boss insists you go into the office, will your firm not pay you some expenses? My late husband used to work away from home and he got some esoenses, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to do it.

Yes of course it's OK not to like people, as long as you don't actively hate them and you don't. Try and find very cheap b&bs to stay, they do exist and aren't too bad for the odd night.

Once you are settled workwise - and you will be if not immediately - gradually phase them out.

Do you like where you live now? That is important.

I wish you good luck.

Of course they would be mortified! They think you're friends, they think you like them and they do you a favour every week.

And you definitely are using them, what do you call it when you're asking how fo somehow force yourself to like them because the alternative is to stop staying at theirs and have to pay for hotels??

I'd look for a Monday to Friday type rent.

It would be ideal for a lot of people who feel they should get extra cash from their spare room but don't really want lodgers around every evening. 2 nights a week would be perfect.

Have you looked at a room with airbnb with cooking faciiities near to your work would be cheaper I imagine.The only solution is either move or find a job near where you live.