To expect parents in mid '70's to host Christmas with very young children?

[Birminghamx]

I’m one of three children , all of whom have two children. We’re all in late’30’s, early ‘40’s. Two, three years ago my elder brother and I hosted Christmas for our parents in turn, both feeling it was the time for the mantle to be passed to our generation. Our parents are in reasonable health but have some issues and of course have slowed a lot. We knew our parents enjoyed the ease and lack of responsibility when we provided Christmas. My sister is unlike us a single parent and last year invited herself for Christmas with her then 5 months old and just 2 year old and the baby was fractious throughout the 5 day stay. None of us live near one another and a Christmas visit means staying over. Our parents made light of it but I know through my mother’s friends that she was so exhausted after the stay that she cancelled engagements for a couple of days.

Now our sister has invited herself again and my brother and I think this unfair. Our parents are making light of it again and say they need to support her more as she’s single (though by choice). In fairness she can’t host as her flat is too small and our parents book hotels when they visit. Neither my brother or I can host parents and sister but both of us are prepared to invite her for New Year to try and resolve this amicably.

My parents are of sound mind so of course the decision is theirs. However I know they’re affected by an unpleasant breakdown in the wider family (niece/cousin) and are terrified of an estrangement with our (frequently difficult) sister.

Do you think my brother and I would be unreasonable to try and intervene, expressing our views to parents and sister that the proposed arrangements are too demanding on our parents. Our sister has already tried to counter arguments by saying they can buy “easy meals” and eat out (at my parent’s expense), though the reality is this matters little to the strain. Do you think we’re unreasonable in regarding mid ‘70’s as too old for hosting Xmas for several days with very young children?

Well, I’m in my mid-70s and don’t mind doing the meal but, much as I love to see them, I count the days to them going and then collapse in a crumpled heap with the spectre of beds to change and bad weather hanging over me. However, I’d rather that than an atmosphere or a falling out within the immediate family. Nowadays, the very thought of a family argument is super stressful; better the beds and bone-tiredness any day.

Honestly i feel for your sister. It must be really lonely and hard work for her as a single parent with 2 young children..... particuarly at xmas. She has already made suggestions to lighten the load on your parents like bringing food etc. Your parents want to see her. I dont see the problem or why its up to you to intervene. Unless your parents lack mental capacity to make this decision its their choice and its supportive of them toward your sister - they sound lovely. Just because its tiring for them doesnt mean they dont prioritise it and enjoy their time with your sister. Just because they are older doesnt mean they are incapable. It might be more about them wanting to have time with their young grand children also - those are precious times and kids grow up fast. TBH it sounds like you have sour grapes. You could offer to host your sister at yours (although you dont sound particularly close and she may prefer having time with your parents). Or what about hiring a huge cottage for everyone and doing a weekend away (might be a bit late to plan this now but maybe in future years). Best to think about spending time with family at xmas, facilitation and inclusivity rather than xmas blocking. There are many solutions that could facilitate your sister / kids and parents having time together without the negative impacts. Try a solution focus instead.

I completely understand where you’re coming from @Birminghamx

Many people on here are just not getting it and rather than listen to what you’re saying, are more concerned with painting you as the bad guy, when you’re just trying to do right by your parents.

I have a younger brother, who’s 42. I love him to bits. But he’s hard work. He has a 10 year old son, my lovely nephew. My parents are in their 80’s. He moved back into their 2 bed house a couple of years ago after he split with his ex/nephews mom.

He speaks to my parents (my mother especially) like shit most of the time. Zero respect. My mother’s health has declined so much since he’s been back there because of the stress my brother causes her with his attitude and behaviour. She adores her grandson/my nephew and worries about him all the time (he has autism, so she worries about him even more due to this), but also struggles to deal with my brothers behavior. He’s literally making her ill.

I’ve tried to talk to my brother on many occasions, but nothing changes. When you’ve had years of watching this behaviour negatively impacting your parents, it’s hard to sit back and do or say nothing. But equally you don’t want to cause more issues for your parents, so you feel like you’re between a rock and a hard place.

Ask yourself this. Given how your sister usually reacts to things, if you and your brother did speak to your sister, do you honestly think she’d take on board anything you say? Or would she throw another strop and take it out on your parents?

I know you want to make things better for your folks. But it doesn’t sound like your DS would change her attitude or behaviour if you did.

The way it's phrased it doesn't sound like you like your sister much.
'Unlike us she is single parent'
'Single parent by choice ' etc v few choose to be I assume you mean she left her partner? And prob with good reason.
It's blimmin hard raising children on your own and your parents prob want to give a bit of support.
I don't think a wide circle of friends replaces a family Christmas for many.
Would be miserable to try and stop her from having a family Christmas..which you obviously will be having.

I think you should mind your own business what 3 grown adult's decide to do for Christmas.

@browneyes77 Yes, some people are very difficult and do expect a lot from their parents. One of my childhood friends expects a huge amount of support from her parents after having three children with her drug addicted ex partner. It was obvious after having their first child that drugs were more important to him than his family, but they went on to have more children. At one point, her parents had to take responsibility for the children to prevent them from being taken into care.

Her siblings are so frustrated with how her behaviour affects their parents, but she doesn’t seem to change. That’s an extreme example, but some people don’t seem to recognize how their behaviour affects others.

Why don't your parents host for your sister (not for 5 days - say 2 days). You and DB either see your spouses' families or do your own thing. Does your DH or DB's wife get to see their families. You and DB could see parents over the festive period at another time. I think a 5 day stay is ridiculously long if you're all UK-based.

Apologies for missing "?"

This is it. And it’s what some people on here seem to be spectacularly missing.

They’re so focussed on the single parent bit, they’re glossing over the sisters behaviour.

Having dealt with (still dealing with) a sibling that cause stress for my parents, I can completely understand the frustration.

Doesn’t mean you don’t love or like that sibling. Hell I’d take a bullet for my brother. But you can still call out poor behaviour and be frustrated by it.

Oh dear, @Birminghamx - doesn't seem to matter what you say, some on here will vilify you. I'm sorry.

Doesn’t mean you don’t love or like that sibling. Hell I’d take a bullet for my brother. But you can still call out poor behaviour and be frustrated by it.

Exactly! @browneyes77

I think you'll see that OP's sister is actually very well off if you read the OP's post @NeverDropYourMooncup

Very sensible advice imo @browneyes77

Have you not noted the details of OP's sister behaviour with regard to her dad, the fact that she doesn't help when she does come to her elderly parents, the fact no one seems able to call her out on her bad behaviour, her parents' exhaustion after the visit, possibly mental as well as physical, the latter completely understandable and not necessarily a reason not to visit on its own...?

You don’t come across well in this OP, sorry.
Ultimately it’s up to your parents, because she is one of their children. They want to support her. When you have more than one child, some need more support than others don’t they, it isn’t tit for tat.
Please try not to be one of those people who looks down on single parents with small properties- you never know when your own situation could change.

Show a bit of family support and festive cheer eh?

How is the fact, that she was badly bullied at school, relevant to any of that?

Seriously, the way some posters are reacting you'd think OPs parents were 92

They’re in their 70’s.

Is that not old enough for you?

If you can normally host your parents. Then surely you can host your sister and 2 kids. ( 1 extra than if your parents stayed, kids would sleep on an air bed even )

Then parents go to your brothers.

Easy relaxing Xmas for parents.
Sis isn't alone with her kids Xmas day

Sister sounds profoundly disturbed. Possibly BPD? Along with narcissistic personality. She no doubt is in denial that she has any problems, so at this point OP may wish to see a qualified psychologist to consult in the best way to manage this potentially toxic family dynamic

… and mute.

Which sister?

I wonder what it would be like for your sister, juggling two little ones alone, knowing the rest of you were having cosy family time and she was out in the cold scrabbling together some sort of happy enough time with chums, not that it is your place to decide whether that would actually work out or not. I think it would be beyond horrible. And your parents shouldn't have to face that choice of treating one child less inclusively than the others. Would you do that to yours in years to come?

Tbh I don't see why it's bothering you if your parents haven't said that it's an issue

The problematic single mum, of course!!