How to tell her her full name

[Themiddlemum]

I was in a relationship with my daughters "father" when I was very young and he was 20 years older, he was very abusive. Including sexually assaulting me during pregnancy and directly after. I left him when my daughter was 7 weeks old. The surname on her bc is 2 separate names. So think- Smith Jones.

He had approx 7 contacts with her in a contact centre and then chucked the towel in, 13 years ago. We haven't heard from him since.

I've always just used the first part of her surname- "smith" e.g school, drs etc. With no problems.This year we applied for a bank account for her and I had to send in her birth certificate, the bank account was confirmed and they sent the debit card, I was bracing myself for having to tell her her full surname, when the card arrived they had just used "smith" (nothing to do with me, thats just how it arrived) then her N.I letter arrived, again with just the Smith part of her surname.

We are planning on going to Disney in the new year so ive applied for her passport, its arriving this week. Obviously I'm not going to get lucky with the surname again and need to tell her. Its filled me with anxiety and worry for years, I've no idea how to say it to her. Please help, any suggestions? Thanks

She presumably knows that she has a dad, and that he isn’t interested? You don’t have to give her the full background, just the facts: that when she was registered as a baby before you knew he’d not be in her life you registered her with a double barrelled surname, yours and his, and that’s his. You’ve only ever used the part that was yours for ease. She’ll have questions at some stage, but they were always going to come: she’s 13 and it’s probably time to start preparing for what she’ll want to know.

I'm assuming the name you use is yours and you dropped her father's name. How much does she already know about him? Can't you just be honest? Just tell her that you gave her both names when she was born but stopped using her father's name when he left.

Thank you. She doesn't really know anything. Once when she was about 7 she asked me who her dad was and I said he's not a very nice person and she said like Emily's dad? (she had a friend from school whose dad was arrested for beating up her mum) and I said yes and she started crying. She's never asked me another question since, I've thought she was about to ask me a couple of times and then she hasn't. Am I supposed to bring it up?

Is he named as the father on DD's birth certificate?

I'd just explain factually that her passport will have two names on it because legally it has to be the same name as your birth certificate and her birth certificate had both your name and her dad's name. Then see if she asks anything beyond that.

Difficult as it may be, I think you should bring it up and talk about it.

She might be worried about it.

There's never a good time, but this passport thing might be a good opportunity to clear it up.

NI number and a debit card? How old is your DD? Her GCSE certificates will have to be in her legal name.

Have you applied for the passport in just the one name or both as you said 'wont get lucky this time' ... I do know of people who have done this and indeed have never needed to revisit their birth certificate but they might be stricter these days

If she's got her national insurance number she must be at exams age surely? Yes you definitely need to bring up that she has both surnames but you only use one. I'm honestly really surprised you've not mentioned it at all before now. Just keep the conversation factual and answer questions she has honestly.

No, you don’t need to bring anything up - though I do think you need to let her know in an open, no-obligation way that if there’s ever anything she’d like to know about her dad, she can ask you. Whoever he is and whatever he did, he’s her dad, and he’s a part of her. She already knows that he’s done some things which are objectively “bad” because you’ve told her - but she doesn’t know what those things are or what they mean for her. It’s not uncommon for children to wonder if they will also end up doing the same bad things because it’s in their blood or their genes, so letting her know that she’s allowed to talk about it may be enormous for her.

In the nicest possible way, these are conversations you need to have early and often enough so they're not a shock.

Also: why does she have NI if she's not 16, and why on earth have you not mentioned this earlier?

Well, since they've issued National Insurance Number cards three months before the 16th birthday from at least 1988, I'd suspect she's somewhere between 15 and three quarters and 16 and a bit by now.

Old enough to change her full name if she so wishes before exam entry, too.

Just say on her passport (and other legal documents) it will use her full legal name, which includes her dad’s surname, because it has to be official. And then you can let her know that it’s up to her when she turns 18 (or sooner?) if she wants to officially change it, and you can help her then if she wants to. She may oddly find it’s an interesting tie to a part of her she doesn’t know much about and not be too bothered.

That said, BIL likes his mum’s maiden surname (he and Dh have their dad’s surname as does MIL even though he’s long deceased). When he applied for his passport at 18, he just added it in and double barrelled it. So his actual name is John Smith, but on his passport he’s John Thompson-Smith even though that’s definitely not his legal name. 😂 He’s in his 40s now several passport renewals later and no one is bothered by it it seems. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How old is she? 16 if she has NI card.

Just say 'your name on your birth certificate is smith-jones so that's what they want to put on your passport. Do you want to fill in a change if name deed so that on your passport and legally it's just smith'?

Just as it is possible for an adult, it is is possible to change a minor's name by deed poll. Obviously talking to her about it before doing the paperwork would be sensible, but it would mean that her legal name matches the one she uses, it might also be a good way to frame the conversation, i.e. "so because of your father, the name on your birth certificate is **, but we can get it all sorted, so no need to stress about it...". I know a couple of people who've changed their names to ditch the connection with their father, its not too tricky.

Due to problems with registering my birth, my names on my birth certificate are not 'correct'. I use my correct version of my names all the time and they are the ones on my passport, national insurance, bank etc. The only time it has come up is at the registry office, when registering the dc's births and on my marriage certificate. Then the registrar has made a note of both versions of my names - the original ones and the ones I go by.
I've never bothered to get anything done by deed poll.

Just keep it factual - maybe just 'when you were born your birth certifie had my surname and your dad's surname. Passports have to use that but noone else has to.

Yes shes nearly 16. I applied for the bank account and the passport in her full name , as I'm not trying to con anyone. I was fully prepared to tell her when the bank card arrived in the one name and I backed out. I've been expecting this day for a very long time. I think knowing her, she won't want to know anything about him. That's my prediction anyway. Just hoping she isn't upset by the name. She can change or keep it, either way its up to her.

This. Dont be dramatic with it. Matter of fact all the way. Followed by she can change it officially soon.

i don’t think this will be a shock to her OP. She knows her dad isn’t a nice man and telling her she has his surname too won’t break her heart. Just be brave, tell her and then she can decide if she ever wants to change it in the future.

Okay. Just keep it simple and factual. You will need to sort it out asap before her GCSEs.

I think it’s a terrible shame you haven’t had more open and clear conversations throughout her childhood.
All she knows is he’s a bad man in the same way as Emily’s dad is? She knows nothing of his good points or her paternal family? Her heritage? I feel sorry that she has these gaps in her knowledge and nobody to talk to about it.

She does need to know her own legal name aged sixteen, yeah. Could you not just say to her we can change it by deed poll to remove the other name as she's not known by it. Or she can keep it if she wants. You may hate your ex but it's just a name. It's not like saying it three times will summon him back in a puff of smoke.

I think its a shame you are so presumptious. He has no good points nor do his family.

I think if she’s 16 you’re overthinking it.