How to tell her her full name

[Themiddlemum]

I was in a relationship with my daughters "father" when I was very young and he was 20 years older, he was very abusive. Including sexually assaulting me during pregnancy and directly after. I left him when my daughter was 7 weeks old. The surname on her bc is 2 separate names. So think- Smith Jones.

He had approx 7 contacts with her in a contact centre and then chucked the towel in, 13 years ago. We haven't heard from him since.

I've always just used the first part of her surname- "smith" e.g school, drs etc. With no problems.This year we applied for a bank account for her and I had to send in her birth certificate, the bank account was confirmed and they sent the debit card, I was bracing myself for having to tell her her full surname, when the card arrived they had just used "smith" (nothing to do with me, thats just how it arrived) then her N.I letter arrived, again with just the Smith part of her surname.

We are planning on going to Disney in the new year so ive applied for her passport, its arriving this week. Obviously I'm not going to get lucky with the surname again and need to tell her. Its filled me with anxiety and worry for years, I've no idea how to say it to her. Please help, any suggestions? Thanks

A lie by omission is still a lie OP. You've not told her her full name on purpose because you don't want to face it, you're only doing it now you've literally no choice. It'd by handy to acknowledge it to yourself incase she's upset you've never mentioned it.

I haven't closed the door on any questions. I've mentioned things to her in the past. But she's never asked me.m direct questions.

Shes 15 not 35. I'm literally opening the doors for her to know her full name, and what ever topic that may bring up.

Lol I literally do have a choice. I applied for the bank account and the passport. I didn't have to do those things.

I’m fairly sure she can change her name legally by deed poll when she’s 16.

sit down, explain it. Give her the choice, does she want to carry on as it where she may have to occasionally use her legal name, or does she want to formally drop his name.

her choice.

Well, at least she isn’t having to deal with finding out that her name isn’t her real name, won’t have to deal with this in regards to GCSE certificates and has never had a safe space to ask questions about her paternity and all at the tricky age of 15.

@Themiddlemum you are kidding yourself. But if that's how you want to approach it with your DD then that's on you.

I think you should be having a conversation with her and not waiting to see if she asks anything. She may have questions that she has suppressed because she doesn’t feel she can ask you. I’d be honest about her name and make it an opportunity for her to ask questions and talk about her dad. You need to be clear with her that she can ask you questions if she has any - don’t let this be the elephant in the room.

Themiddlemum, don't worry please. Not everyone is the same. My father was violent & mentally unstable & put us through absolute hell for years trying to get sole custody. I really don't want to know anything about him. I know it is different for other people, but I've never wanted to see him, even when it would have been safe. I don't feel like I'm incomplete or missing something, & I never have. My situation is extreme, & generally some contact is good, but people should understand it's sometimes not possible & it doesn't always cause distress to not have met or known your dad. It's just not an issue for me. I take after my mum in looks, though some things I get from him. I've never wondered who I take after though.
Others are different, & you should talk to her about it. I'm just saying the bad things people are mentioning on this thread are not everyone's story. I also know how hard it is to speak about an abusive partner, but you owe it to your DD to come clean & talk to her about it.

I think you are overthinking it.

Obviously for you, the associations with the name are traumatic but they are not for her.

As PP have said, keep it factual. You were registered with both names but have only ever used one. If there's ever anything you want to ask me about him then I'm here but he was never part of your life.

She’s 16 - Just tell her how it is

Thats the lead I've always taken on it, but she's never had any questions. She knows I lived with him until she was 7 weeks old, that he wasn't there when she was born, and that she saw him at the contact centre, she doesn't remember any of that obviously and that we had a letter from him in 2011 and haven't heard from him since and that he was abusive, she knows I went to concerts with him and bought a house with him. But she's never asked me direct questions and several of those things she only knew as one off comments from me, I don't harp on about him as there's nothing current.

Saying this to a family who have escaped a very abusive man is not helpful at all

I don't think talking about him a lot unless she asks is the way to go. I never feared that I'd inherited my father's bad qualities, my mum built me up a lot. If she wants to know more, you could mention positive things too, but some people are OK not knowing, just as some don't want to meet their birth parents

Signing for a passport when it's delivered and signing a passport are two entirely different things.

Agree. The man is a piece of shit and let’s not pretend otherwise.

Thank you. Its really distressing even just thinking about him. My best friend doesn't know her dads name or who he is and she doesn't want to, I always thought that was odd. But then that's coming from the position of having a good dad.

I dont want to tell her the things he did to us, as I can only just bare it as a grown woman, I can't imagine what it would be like knowing that as a young girl. I want to protect her from all of the obscene in the world. But I've always said to myself, if she wants to know, i will tell her.

Shes only ever made little jokes about him. Like something came up recently on TV about child maintenance and she said to me "how much do you get for me?" So I said nowt! And she said "oooooooh dead beat dads" in a jeremy Kyle style voice

Turtle, the 50% thing is a bit mechanical. I don't feel worried about it, & never did, bc to me my family were the people who brought me up, not people I'd never seen. But Op's dd may be different, she has tried to tell her what she can though, it sounds like.

Yes I'm aware. I only recently applied for my own passport and didn't need to sign anything online.

@Themiddlemum OP. - at 16 she can legally change her name by deed poll without parental permission.

Did you read the part where he sexually assaulted OP multiple times? He has no good points.

OP, I think you could show your DD her birth certificate and just say she has two names and you've used the first one for ease of use. Then, the ball is in DD's court as to the name(s) she uses going forward. She could always change her surname by deed poll if she prefers.

Just double checked and no you don't need to sign for a passport. Some people really like to gaslight you into thinking you've done something you haven't.

A lot of this resonates for me too. I changed my name when I was very young as I didn’t want his name associated with me at all. Did it before 16 so it’s not on any of my paperwork. Some of us don’t need to know a horrific parent and are still leading completely stable lives with good mental health. The ignorance on this thread is astounding. Ignore it OP.

You don't know she won't ever be meeting him.

But please don't take it personally if she does.

Just be there for her and support her if she feels the need to find him.

I was sort of in this situation. I was too scared to ask questions incase I upset people.