How to tell her her full name

[Themiddlemum]

I was in a relationship with my daughters "father" when I was very young and he was 20 years older, he was very abusive. Including sexually assaulting me during pregnancy and directly after. I left him when my daughter was 7 weeks old. The surname on her bc is 2 separate names. So think- Smith Jones.

He had approx 7 contacts with her in a contact centre and then chucked the towel in, 13 years ago. We haven't heard from him since.

I've always just used the first part of her surname- "smith" e.g school, drs etc. With no problems.This year we applied for a bank account for her and I had to send in her birth certificate, the bank account was confirmed and they sent the debit card, I was bracing myself for having to tell her her full surname, when the card arrived they had just used "smith" (nothing to do with me, thats just how it arrived) then her N.I letter arrived, again with just the Smith part of her surname.

We are planning on going to Disney in the new year so ive applied for her passport, its arriving this week. Obviously I'm not going to get lucky with the surname again and need to tell her. Its filled me with anxiety and worry for years, I've no idea how to say it to her. Please help, any suggestions? Thanks

Thats what I'm going to do.

I thought you had to sign for your passport if you were 12-16. It would have been better to tell her before applying for the passport then she could have looked at the option of changing it by deedpoll before applying for the passport. You've done her a disservice by hiding this from her fine so long

I think its a shame you are so presumptious. He has no good points nor do his family.

Everyone has some good points, something that she can be comfortable with owning. Even if it’s something like, they came from Wales and can trace their roots back three generations in the same area.
He and their paternal family are 50% of her DNA. If all she suspects is that they are unspeakably bad I hope she is someone who can compartmentalise and isn’t a thoughtful person.

I think you are over-thinking this a bit. You can casually say "Oh your birth certificate has your surname as "Smith Jones" but I've always just used Smith since your father left. Your passport will be the same. We can look at changing it if you want." If she wants to talk more about him then take your lead from her. Remember, kids often don't want all the info we think they do.

You only sign for it once it arrives, and since he's on the bc we'd need his permission to change her name. I haven't hid anything from her.

No wonder the poor kid hasn't asked any further questions. You don't like him that's fair enough but he's her father and part of her, can you see this attitude is not helpful?

You've literally hidden her own name from her and made a thread about being worried about her finding out. How is that not hiding things from her?

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/changing-a-childs-surname/

Lol again presuming I've ever made any indication on my thoughts about him. He's ot really a part of her though, other than DNA.

No, I only used half her name. I also only used the first half of her first name for about 8 years and she never knew her full first name, was that also hiding it?

I'm not worried about her finding out, I'm worried about how I go about wording it and telling her. I've taken it upon myself to do that at last, if I was trying to hide it, I wouldn't be doing that.

I think you are possibly worrying about this more than your dd will. Conversation along the lines of “dd did I ever mention your name on your birth certificate is mine and your dads but we have always used x, passport will probably be the same” and go from there.

He's ot really a part of her though, other than DNA.

It is a strange experience for many adoptees, NPEs etc. to meet a biological parent and recognise the same laugh, same way of holding a glass etc. Or to discover genetic medical conditions or intergenerational trauma.

Thank you. I agree, I'm probably over thinking it.

Be gentle about it. I was the child in this situation years ago, had a lot of difficult feelings surrounding my father and was absolutely devastated that I carried any part of his name. People downplaying it on this thread clearly haven't been on the other side and don't know what it's like.

We did a deed poll in the end. It was very much the right decision! I'd recommend suggesting similar if she is upset. Good luck. xx

I thought you could use any name you want as long as not doing it for fraudulent reasons. Read to end of this link. Might be worth seeking advice on this.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-names-we-use-in-passports-caseworker-guidance/names-the-names-we-use-in-passports#:~:text=The%20name%20on%20a%20customer's,Aviation%20Organization%20(ICAO)%20guidelines.

That's all very well but your dd is half him, made up of half his genetic material. A dad is very important to you when you're a child in understanding who you are. I don't think you appreciate the impact that telling a child of 7 that her dad is bad is likely to have - I'm not sure even her being so upset got the message across. And to have said nothing before that conversation and nothing since - well I'm not surprised you're worried about this now.

I'd imagine she's pretty shut down emotionally about 'dad' now and it might actually go easier than you think. What I'd be worried about is how this trauma is going to play out in her own relationships as she gets older. I would be very worried that history may repeat itself as it has a tendency to do.

Yes I agree. But she won't ever be meeting him. I didn't make this post asking for advice on her "fathers" input into her life.

Are you not in the Uk @Themiddlemum ? Because in the Uk a child of 15 has to sign the passport application form and that’s reproduced digitally on the actual Passport .

You say it’s likely she won’t want to know anymore after you tell but I suspect that’s because you have made it quite obvious that all doors to any questions about him are closed

Hate to say it OP but this may come back to bite you when she’s a bit older. She may well be quite angry at you for your approach to this.

Regardless of how awful he was it’s her history and heritage and she had/has a right to the basic information which included her full name.

Have you ever opened up a conversation with your dd about her dad?

I understand you were in an abusive relationship which I'm so sorry to hear about.

However it's still her father, he is apart of her and perhaps she has her own questions?

I see patients that have backgrounds like this and some have struggled with their MH in adulthood because of childhoods similar as you have described

I agree with this.

Yes I am. And no that didn't happen during the application. I just filled out the normal details and they asked for her bc and my bc and for someone to sign to say they know her. Theyve emailed to say its been approved and it needs to be signed for once it arrives.

Thank you, you are much more eloquent than I am in trying to get this across. OP seems oblivious to attachment.

If she’s almost 16 then I suggest she changes her name by deed poll when she is 16 (I think if you do it for her you’d need his consent if he has parental responsibility). Then no more Smith-Jones for her.

I think wait until there is a calm, non-pressured time and gently tell her that there’s something you need to talk to her about. Show her the birth certificate, explain about the name and give her the chance to ask anything she wants to ask you about her Dad. Tell her if she has any more questions she can always ask you. Tell her you know how hard, confusing and upsetting it must be to have never had her Dad in her life. Be clear, honest and kind about it, but also low drama.