How to tell her her full name

[Themiddlemum]

I was in a relationship with my daughters "father" when I was very young and he was 20 years older, he was very abusive. Including sexually assaulting me during pregnancy and directly after. I left him when my daughter was 7 weeks old. The surname on her bc is 2 separate names. So think- Smith Jones.

He had approx 7 contacts with her in a contact centre and then chucked the towel in, 13 years ago. We haven't heard from him since.

I've always just used the first part of her surname- "smith" e.g school, drs etc. With no problems.This year we applied for a bank account for her and I had to send in her birth certificate, the bank account was confirmed and they sent the debit card, I was bracing myself for having to tell her her full surname, when the card arrived they had just used "smith" (nothing to do with me, thats just how it arrived) then her N.I letter arrived, again with just the Smith part of her surname.

We are planning on going to Disney in the new year so ive applied for her passport, its arriving this week. Obviously I'm not going to get lucky with the surname again and need to tell her. Its filled me with anxiety and worry for years, I've no idea how to say it to her. Please help, any suggestions? Thanks

What a vile post.

You clearly have no experience in this area.

What were Hitler's good points? Shall we list them?

OP I changed my name at 16 with just my mother's permission. I only have her surname but just putting it out there in case you wanted to explore it.

My dc had a double barrelled name and it's on their birth certificate but (luckily) when abusive ex was throwing his toys out of the pram he signed a letter allowing me to change the surname to just mine.

I agree you may be overthinking it. You've raised her alone and I'm sure you've done a great job. I'm sure she knows more than you think.

I would have a casual conversation about it and you have the deed poll option as a backup.

Good luck!

In the UK, your name is what you use day to day. There's no 'legal' name. Use what name you want, include other names as appropriate.

My son't name is different to the one on his birth certificate, his passport, visas for other countries etc. are in his new name, and it's never been a problem. I did get an online deed poll for him for about 30 quid so it looked official, but you can just print out the letter on line and sign it with a witness and it has the same legal standing.

OP you sound like a great mother and a strong woman. This will all work itself out. Please ignore the posters who have come to goad and berate you. They thrive on eliciting a response. Don't bother replying to them. Wishing you and your daughter all the very best. 💐

OP, I've been thinking more about this thread. My reply to you late last night came from my own perspective as a child growing up knowing nothing about one of my parents,

But I should have been more considerate of your own views. I should have said how sorry I am that you were so awfully abused by your ex. How strong you must be to have raised a girl who in your own words is "she's an incredibly fair person and is very morally guided, very funny and bouncy. ".

She and you sound great. You sound close and open with each other. She's fortunate that she has a parent that clearly has her back 100%.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much more than many of us on this thread. And I hope you and your DD remain the closest team who can continue Tom navigate difficult conversations and issues with love.

I think it's 16 you can apply by deed poll in your own right to change your surname.

If so she can change to "Smith" legally and her passport etc will have that name.

OP, you do not need to think of, or make up, anything positive about your abuser to tell your daughter. I am shocked that so many women here are telling you this to be honest.

Challenge accepted!

Ambitious, good at holding an audience, intelligent, persuasive. Expert knowledge of architecture, history, good at art.

You can be a thoroughly evil genocidal monster, but still have traits that could be thought positive (even if he used them in an unspeakable way).

With Hitler, you could say that he had intelligence, the desire and ability to lead and inspire. But instead of using those traits positively he used them for evil to manipulate and orchestrate murder and genocide on an unspeakable scale.

Has she not had a passport before?

Has she never seen her birth certificate?

I think people have the right to information connected to then, it is not children's fault that adults choose to have complicated situations

OP I was in a very very similar situation with DD15 a couple of years ago.

Except her name on the BC was his name and not a combination (born in the Middle East so they have to put the fathers name on)

I always used my name at school etc, I left when she was 1 and moved back to the UK. He hasn't seen her since. He was a violent, despicable person.

Honestly it's ok, just explain. My DD at that point then insisted she wanted her official name changed to mine, I actually had to go to court to do it but she felt so passionate about it.

She was so pleased when her new passport turned up with our names matching.

You work through these things with them as lone parents it's ok. And your DD is about to get to an age where she can get it done via deed poll.

So, explain the situation but offer her a resolution, she can get it changed.

@jeaux90 that's not the same at all though, as it sounds like your DD knew her name and then chose to change it.
The OP's DD doesn't know her full name at all

I find it very offensive when someone is asked to think of an abusers good points

Like come on
How disrespectful to the OP

Agree. And being told she MUST find some!!

Edingril, Op didn't choose to have a 'complicated situation'! Her ex wouldn't ve seemed like a psychopathic rapist when they married. These people are cunning.
I can't believe how insensitive too many of the replies on here are.

Rape is not just a 'complicated situation'.

Oh shitting hell OP, that's horrific. I'm so sorry. Thank goodness you left him.

@oakleaffy I'm sorry for your friend, I can't imagine growing up with that.

Exactly : some people are like that... My mum reassured me I was nothing like him when the family court judges kept pressuring me to meet him, as we'd have 'so much in common'. Some on here might say she should have tried to find good qualities, but honestly I didn't feel like him in any way, & I didn't want to, after what happened... It would have felt forced & wrong if she'd tried to make up good qualities. Esp when you're younger, it's hard for a child's mind to process that someone who'd prefer you not to exist has good qualities you may have inherited too...

I think a key difference is when the abuse is directed against the child. Abuse of the mother is horrible enough, and damaging for her children, but if the abuse is also directed against the child from day one, it's v hard for the parent to tell the child any positives, or the child to want to see them.

I believe you can't use a "known as" name for a child on a passport anyway without both parents' consent. It works for an adult.