To think people in their 30s and beyond who still live with their parents are lacking in independence?

[EdgyExpert]

I’m starting to feel like there’s an increasing trend of adults in their 30s and beyond living with their parents. While I get the financial pressures, I’m wondering if this is an issue of independence. AIBU to think that if someone is over 30 and still living at home, they should take responsibility for their own life and not rely on their parents? Does this indicate a lack of maturity?

Trebuchet : the trebuchet was one of the top choices for parents in ancient and medieval times, having the ability to throw 18-year-olds farther than earlier catapults could.

Just for context about affordability and scarcity of flats. My son moved to a different city for his first graduate job after graduation. It took him six months to even get a viewing of a flat - most viewing slots were taken within an hour of listing and were typically limited to 6 viewings of 10 minutes each within a particular hour. No choice, no flexibility. If you were one of the first 6 to ring, you'd be given a slot and if you couldn't make it, tough!

He told the agent at the viewing that he wanted it, to be told he had to put in a "bid" and that all six bids would be put to the owner who'd decide who they'd give it to. The bid had to include the rent he'd be willing to pay (minimum list price, but told he'd need to offer more), how many months in advance he was able to pay, plus full details of his job and earnings (contract of employment and payslips) etc! Son bid 10% over asking price and offered to pay a year up front! Apparently, he only just won it as someone else was offering similar but only six months up front!

I really don't think people realise not only how expensive rents are, but also how hard it is to actually get a place to rent in some places.

Some of his graduate peers at the same place had to live in hostels for months until they managed to find somewhere to rent.

So it's no surprise that lots of young adults still live at home, especially if "home" is within commuting distance to their work. The price and scarcity of flats to rent is certainly limiting the career/life prospects of people who are living in areas where there are poor job prospects as they simply can't afford to move and live in the areas where job prospects are better as rents etc are usually far too expensive in popular areas for young adults in trainee/graduate roles.

My 20 something kids both rent in capital cities. They manage and rent is extremely high. There's no family money for them to rely on or fall back on.

All this kids cant afford to move out isnt true. Mine are very tight with their finances due to necessity. If 20 or 30 somethings want a car, holidays, expensive trainers, they wont be able to pay rent. If they want to be independent they have to give a lot up. Its a choice.

Rent here on a 1 bedroom flat £1100 a month and an annual bus pass bought by direct debit £792. People now have to be either earning a lot of money or in a relationship because on top of the rent you still have bills, food and clothing yourself. Is it any wonder people are living at home now until they are older.

Out of interest, how old are you op?

From a dating perspective, a man who still lives with his parents past the age of 25 is a turn off (for me).

I moved out at 19 and never looked back.

There were times when I was living off my student overdraft and credit cards, but it was all worth it. I could not have had the 20s I had if I lived at home with my parents.

How old were you when you left home OP?

I left home when I was 16, but that was 1995. Times are different. My sister moved away a few times, but always ended up moving back home. It wasn't until she met BIL and they bought a house that she was able to move out properly. She was 32.

DSD was the same. Moved out for good when she was 29, and she moved in with her now DH.

YABU btw.

I honestly think it's madness and don't know how people do it. I was dying to move out and have my independence, so I did that when I was 19 (10 years ago) - whereas my brother is 25 and my sister is 22 and both still live with our mam and don't seem to have any intention of moving out any time soon. I don't know if it's a cost thing or they just simply don't want to - I had a minimum wage job when I left home and there was times it was definetely a struggle but I wouldn't of changed a thing as I loved my independence. Not sure if it's their generation or what?

Another thing that baffles me is neither of them are bothered about learning to drive, which was another thing I did the second I was old enough to and couldn't imagine it any other way! I know lessons are more expensive now but they were still £15/£18 when I was learning and I was on £3.64 an hour...

Depends on the person and the circumstances.

There's always been adults who are immature/otherwise reliant on parents and won't move out. There's also always been adults who are perfectly capable of moving out but don't because of culture, preference, or circumstance.

There's a lot of people in their 30s still living with parents because housing costs are astronomical in relation to wages and because as a society we've decided to simultaneously saddle a large number of young adults with enormous debt in the form of university fees.

You're also ignoring how many young people do leave home but move back in their late 20s or 30s to save for a deposit for a house.

It's very unfair to compare what was 'normal' 40/50/60 years ago and treat that as the benchmark. For centuries before that people didn't leave the family home until they were financially able to. We're just reverting to that now.

Whilst I'm sure there's some people living with parents past 30, it is not common, all of our 20 somethings have moved out and 2 are currently buying houses without parental help (the third is buying with help, not from me I should add, her fil)

In some cases it might be, but as you said in the OP, finances are a major roadblock these days. What are the alternatives? To live a pretty poor existence in a mouldy old flat share with a bunch of strangers you hate living with? There are also cultural reasons people do this too, and to some degree I can see the benefit of having extended family around all the time. If someone in their 30’s living with parents enjoys doing so, also where’s the judgement on maturity? It doesn’t always de facto mean someone is immature, no.

We've employed 2 women in the last 5 years who've been in their 30s, still living at home and whose Mum's phoned in sick for them. Neither lasted more than 3 weeks as one couldn't cope with the travelling and the other didn't realise she'd have to talk to people in person........ she thought our retail showroom selling bespoke items would be phone based

30 years ago I would have agreed with you: now I'm not so sure. It's definitely much more financially punitive than it was in my day. Depending on where you live and what you do for a living I can believe its financially unmanageable for many people.

I don't think its great, though. I worry about people who lurch straight from living with mum and dad to getting married. I think its important for people to get some experience living independently without either their parents or a spouse or partner.

I lived either with friends/flatshares or on my own between the ages of 19 and 32 and I really cherish those years. Wasn't living anywhere near the lap of luxury and lived with some pain in the arse people but I'm glad I went through it. It frightens me that there are people who have only ever known being with their parents or being married: it renders a lot of people completely lacking in self-sufficiency.

What's it got to do with you?

I feel exactly the same. I also enjoy having them here!
To be fair, even though they are now in their teens they are easy to live with and it just feels like a nice environment.
I would much rather they saved and were able to buy a secure home when they do leave.

It's incredibly normal in my culture to live with multiple generations and assuming overall everyone gets on it can be just so lovely! Yes there are ups and downs but wouldn't change it.

I was very independent and left home as soon as I could (barring a short period looking for a job). I now have a neurodivergent 18-year-old who is unusually independent and incredibly capable but needs a couple more years at home due to burnout. I am sure they will leave but they may also need to come back at times. And that's what I'm here for. :-)

Failure to launch. But its the parents I feel sorry for in many cases.

None of my children are doing that. Slightly different if they leave for a while and then return. But, long term - no!

My mum and I moved with my grandparents when my parents separated. My mum was only able to move out when she was 50 as my aunts husband was in a position to let her live in his flat. My mother is fiercely independent and mature. She simply didn’t have the means to rent on an open market on her salary. And that was almost 20 years ago!
And you also seem to forget that living in an isolated family unit is a fairly new phenomenon. My grandparents had my great Gand parents living with them at various points. My partners’ parents had three generations of family under the same roof. People lived in family clusters since the dawn of times. Was every civilisation on planet earth immature? What about indigenous tribes?

@AshCrapp

most people want their offspring to fly the nest when they become adults

My nephew who is 32 and single was planning on buying a flat with his brother to allow them to get on the 'ladder'. Sadly, his brother (my other nephew) died suddenly so my DN is still living between his mum and dad's houses. He simply cannot afford to pay a mortgage/all the bills by himself as much as he wants to move out.

One of my neighbors was talking about this last weekend-her DD (31) and her partner are with them and it’s driving her slightly mad, she’s ready for them to move out.

I have to admit that I’d be abit concerned if my two (currently teenagers) were still living with us in their 30’s but it depends on the circumstances. They may have good reasons to be at home.

This is such nonsense. My next door neighbour lived with her parents till they died when she was in her 40's. She has always worked and now lives perfectly well on her own.

The idea that people must move out or there's something wrong with them is a strange one to me. I don't think you get that on the continent. I'd have loved to have a family that I was able to live happily with for as long as I liked/needed and that option will always be available to ds.

I ended up marrying the wrong person because I wasn't welcome to live at my parents and couldn't afford to live alone.