To think people in their 30s and beyond who still live with their parents are lacking in independence?

[EdgyExpert]

I’m starting to feel like there’s an increasing trend of adults in their 30s and beyond living with their parents. While I get the financial pressures, I’m wondering if this is an issue of independence. AIBU to think that if someone is over 30 and still living at home, they should take responsibility for their own life and not rely on their parents? Does this indicate a lack of maturity?

you talking about adults who've never been in a relationship/never moved out only, or adults who did move out, lived a life but ended up having to move back home because of a job loss or relationship breakdown?

They're two different scenarios. I know quite a few single mothers who've ended up living with parents with their kids.

I moved to a different country on my own in my twenties, but due to experiencing domestic violence I had to move back in with my parents some years later. As pp have said, the cost of housing seems insurmountable, especially as a single person, and I'm not particularly keen on finding a partner after the previous domestic violence. It's quite a bind.

I think multi generational living has been very common for millennia, it's only very recent history where conditions have made us more isolated.

I lived apart from my parents for a decade before moving in with my mum after a break up. It's worked for nearly 15 years now, she's as dependent on me as she was on her previous partners, I'm as independent as I've ever been but around to help her out with things she can no longer manage on her own. I've just managed to buy my first home which I doubt I'd have been able to if I'd been paying 100% rent and bills.

I think as single adults it is nice to have a little adult company around, neither of us has any plans for new relationships so we will probably always live like this. It's nice for my DS to have such a close relationship with her, I know she enjoys having him around too.

Far too many jobs attract minimum wage.
the annual salary on minimum wage is £24k
a single garage where I live is currently on the market for £27k
the cheapest property for sale to someone under retirement age who wants to live in it is a an £89k studio flat. More than 3 times a minimum wage salary

its no surprise people can't afford their own places

Renting is extortionate where we live, so no I don't think it's a a lack of maturity - most of these poor young people are probably quite desperate to move out.

For a couple of decades it's been a given that most young people won't be able to get on the housing ladder unless they inherit substantially. Now sadly it's come to the fact that most can't even afford to rent, in the South East anyway.

We've taken the rather drastic step of deciding to sell everything and build a house in the countryside, with units our two almost adult DCs will be able to live in with a degree of independence, eventually accommodating partners and children of their own.

It is infantilising, however the cost of rent is so extortionate where I live that the only people under 35 I know who no longer live with their parents are either in very highly paid jobs or have moved overseas. My own DC is in the latter group. ☹️

They’re lacking in funds to rent or buy!

Haven’t they ever told him how to? 🤣 or just ‘time to move out now!’

For the vast majority that will not be the case.

You can think what you like, but be prepared for others with more knowledge to find your opinion ignorant. There are many reasons why someone might still live at home. Financial pressures, caring responsibilities or needs...it's really not your place to issue blanket judgements on how others live their lives.

Many reasons for this OP.
Does it affect you personally or are you just judging others?

YABU.

Me and OH were still living with our respective parents until our mid 30s. We were very much independent, both had professions, both been working since leaving school in demanding roles, basically just using our respective homes as "lodgings" rather than expecting our parents to cook and clean for us. For us, it enabled us to save to buy a "forever" home which we did when we got married in our late 30s. We'd not have been able to do that if we'd rented together as we'd have wasted so much money paying off someone else's mortgage. As it was, we both paid a fair share of the household costs of shared food, utilities, etc., just not towards rent/mortgage as our parents had already both paid off their mortgages. For us it was a means to an end. We certainly didn't take advantage or try to live "on the cheap" at someone else's expense.

That's completely different to "child-adults" who can't look after themselves and still rely on their parents for everything.

I’m 29 and just moved back in with my parent’s in the Home Counties after being dumped by my fiance.

I work in London. I’m on £65k so have done okay job wise but nothing spectacular considering I was one of the brightest students in my class at school. I genuinely derive no meaning from work so why kill myself to climb up the corporate ladder? For what? I could rent a nice enough room in a flat share but then I would have to put up with all the pitfalls that go along with that.

When I walk through the door into my parent’s home I genuinely have people excited to see me, every evening we share a nice meal with a glass of wine. Oh and cuddling up to the dogs in front of the fire is genuinely good for my well being. I could have all that or go home to an empty room in a small flatshare after forced socialisation with friends/colleagues in yet another pub or bar.

I’m considered conventionally beautiful (spoke to a modelling agency as a teen) but many men are being influenced by “red pill influencers”. As an independent woman in her late 20s I’m considered undersirable. Many of the guys my age on the apps are men children and only after one thing.

So I’m going to save up for a house deposit and forge my own damn path. Maybe I’ll adopt in a few years and move north. Fuck societal norms. I am starting to not care at all to what I “should be doing”.

Living with parents into your 30s and even beyond is only weird in the Western world. In many places its totally normal.

My kids can stay as long as they like. They’ve both tasted independence (and liked it) at uni but eldest is back with me (younger still at uni). He has his own life though, lots of friends and a gf, so it’s not as though he can’t cut the apron strings. I don’t want him to rent as then he’ll never be able to buy. My home is their home for as long as they want it or need it.

I'm glad people aren't settling for crap relationships just to double up on income.

This!!

God almighty, no. Are you just trolling? I know many people of that age who would give anything for their own space. But, rents are completely extortionate and the deposit needed for a mortgage these days is eye watering. I can’t think how anyone could think that this is anything else other than simple maths. There’s really no need to be so unkind.

Good for you. I wish I’d focused on myself more at that age instead of chasing romance.

I don't disagree. I think everyone should be ejected by some kind of ejector seat the moment they turn eighteen, and that, in the full knowledge of this, they should work towards acquiring the skills they will need for independence.

YANBU.

The lack of maturity that I see here is in the OP's post tbh.

Why the need to adversely judge everyone over 30 who lives with a parent?

They were talking about this on TV the other day and apparently the estimates are that out of the people in their 30s who are living with their parents:

A third of that number are living with their parents because of a lack of resilience/independence or have anxiety/SEND issues or can’t/don’t want to find work.

A third are living with their parents due to financial reasons such as saving up enough money to move out and/or to avoid extortionate rent prices.

A third are living with their parents on a temporary basis due to a sudden change in life circumstance whilst they get things sorted. This would include things such as divorce, long-term relationship break up, house move or house renovation, sudden accident or illness, needing a refuge for their children quickly, location or job move or temporarily needing to study or get a qualification. These group aren't people who have or want to be living with their parents long-term but are whilst they get ducks in a row.

I have a 26yr old at home. As a single person He doesn't earn enough for a mortgage even with a good deposit saved.

He can stay as long as he likes as far as I am concerned. He pays his share of the bills, looks after himself, helps me out if I need him to. He's no trouble at all and very independent.

My 23yr lives away in a shared flat. But rentals are ridiculous. You have to bid on them, have a guarantor, have a specific income (in his case it was 85k between the 3 of them) and even then they lost lots before finally getting successful. DS is a student and student loans don't count as income, he was very lucky that his two (same age) flatmates earn really good salaries.

Personally I think that if you are the kind of parent who 'mollycoddles' their adult offspring you will do that regardless of their living arrangements.

Well, I agree with your post title- it does indicate a lack of independence, because it's not possible for them to live independently.
But no it often doesn't indicate a lack of maturity- it's systemic factors not individual ones.

I think there's a very big spectrum of people between 'never moved out, mummy still does their washing, wouldn't know where to start setting up their own utility bills' and 'moved home after a life event like a relationship ending or a job change because it's financially impossible to live alone in their area'.

People who've never moved out by their thirties, yeah, I do wonder if they're going to feel the lack of life exprience when they finally end up house sharing or cohabiting with someone else - there's a lot you learn living 'on your own' and you become a lot more self-sufficient.

Those who've moved home for other reasons - well, they've usually learned those lessons already and are more capable generally.

It's the people whose parents still do everything for them, don't make them contribute financially, etc I do raise an eyebrow at - my sister was one of them and is finding the most basic 'sharing a house with someone' compromises and financial requirements absolutely intolerable now because she's never learned how to be an adult.

So really it's not about where they live, it's how they behave, whether they were living at home or not - if they are coddled adult-children who can't do anything for themselves then yes, I judge. Otherwise, no: life's expensive.