BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Whose place is it then?! Always interested to know how an innocent party has to continue living a life with someone when they have no idea of their true colours - while close family do? To what end?

Yes she does need to know. But personally I would get DH to get BIL to come clean himself otherwise you will tell her for her own safety.

Who cares if there’s a lot about your BIL you didn’t know, your DP didn’t think it was too much of an issue that his brother was sexually harassing you??

These.

Who on earth does he think he is or you?
Bloody cheek of him.

Is there a chance he's getting off on telling you? That'd be my bet. Getting off on the risk of telling you and putting that thought in your mind.

I would tell her in person so he doesn’t spin a yarn. He may tell her that you were involved or you tried it on and he tried to put you off by saying he’s gay. Sounds ridiculous but ask anyone who was betrayed by a spouse and the lies are often incredible. I would not mention I am telling sil to bil. Just like he didn’t mention his sexual basement to her.

Id ask to meet her and show her the messages. Yep I may lose her friendship forever but I will not become a liar for cheat (even by omission). I have to live with me every day of my life. I believe cheating is abuse and I would let her know I’ll be there for her whatever she decides. If she is okay with it, then fair enough nothing lost. If she falls apart I would be there for her. But I would have to tell her.

His message this morning suggests she knows nothing about it, it was very calm and collected. He may be doing this to more people than just you!

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

Good Lord! @Calmondeck that is not appropriate. He's used you as a dumping ground. I'd be so so angry, and of course would tell my partner and probably his wife.

He's behaved utterly appallingly with no boundaries, and used you inhumanly.

And no way would I clear the chat. What a horrible man - not his fantasies, but dumping them on you without your consent.

To be fair if he’s running to a meeting he’s giving an off the cuff response.

Once he sees the whole thread he should get the point.

Oh the brother knew and is buying time to think about how to talk about this

I’m curious as to what extent you were responding to him. You mentioned that you made your excuses at the end of the conversation but what were your replies as he was dumping all this on you for 1.5 hours? If you were engaging in the conversation and sounding sympathetic, he may well have thought it was ok to offload, particularly if he was pissed or high. I’m not saying it was right but wondering why you didn’t shut him down immediately.

So…he wanted a safe space by invading yours? Fuck that.

of course you must tell your partner.

BIL used you for sexual gratification without your consent. That's wrong on many levels. You must tell dh and if it ruins their relationship it's no great loss. BIL is vile and abusive.

Scam or someone got his phone I would say x

I thought the wife was her DH's sister. I would have told my DH and expected him to tell her. Now I understand that it's her sister, obviously I think she should tell her.

OP's DP and the sender are brothers.

i understand the omg but he at least asked for a chat and presuming part of that chat would be confidentiality otherwise this is why some people in society keep secrets because when they think they can trust people and just need some one to talk to as this thread shows many are like omg show your partner etc when instead yes the convo sounds like too much detail but they could be having an identity crisis etc ?

he did originally ask the op for the conversation

Pickles001 - your atitude is extremely naive.

maybe, and ill admit its likely , i do try to presume the best in people in general

It comes across as victim blaming, however.

which part ??

What he did is predatory. Its unlawful to send unsolicited dick pics.

holy pickles, i missed that part that is wayyyy out of order, i really need to read all the ops comments rather than just skim read

Thanks for all the perspectives. Regarding some of the questions - no my phone doesn’t automatically save pictures (so I don’t have a camera roll full of random men), BiL and my DP are brothers. BiL is married (to a woman) they have very young children.

DP and I have now spoken via video. He apologised for the low key reaction - he was surrounded by colleagues and had just broken away assuming I was phoning to say something mundane about one of our children. Tonight I could see he was totally floored. He said his brother had drunkenly revealed this fascination when he was single and living abroad years and years ago. DP wrongly assumed this was a youthful fascination and said he’d really not given it thought since. BiL returned home, settled down, became ‘a family man’. As DP was talking this all out I had to interrupt him to say “you’re not going to believe this…. But… I can see your brother messaging me”. The messages were dropping down at the top of the screen.

I abruptly shut it down saying he needed to have this conversation with his wife. He then says, buoyed with confidence from me not shutting him down last night, he’s told his wife today.

My brain was screaming ‘this can’t be real’

Long story short, to those who thought he is getting off on this, I think you’re correct. He said wife is being understanding (in my head I read this as shock) and then he went on to say he even showed her some photos of what he’s interested in. So “she could understand this is about lust, not anything about our solid relationship”. My reading of this is that he’s totally infatuated in his fantasies and can’t stop himself from over sharing. Narcissistic.

My DP is going to fact check whether the wife actually knows, once that’s clarified I guess there will be a bigger conversation.

This is all so seedy. Stand your ground. None of this is okay.