BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

So bizzare. Also bizarre that your Dh seemed quite nonchalant (but maybe a rushed call).

Text him to say you don’t want any other contact from him and you will be sharing with your DP when he’s home and let him deal with it. If it was going on for 1.5 hours, had you been replying at all??

make sure you have the whole lot screenshotted

definitely talk with your DP further and prioritise the protection of your own relationship. It’s awful that he did this and then told you to delete and not tell DP/his DW.

I don’t think you should tell his DW at this stage.

I would not respond to any further messages from him.

He’s sent explicit images to you unsolicited. I wonder whether he was getting off on that - and I’d put that directly to your DP and see what he says.

“I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

I’d reply:

Firstly what you did last night was wholly inappropriate. Never contact me with that content again. Secondly, don’t you dictate what I do! I will not kindly clear the chat. I will speak to my husband about it and then I may decide to also talk to your wife. Had a brief chat with DH earlier and he didn’t seem overly surprised, so I assume you have had these deep rooted issues for a while. Don’t reply.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

What a cheeky, uppity shit. Would he like you to doff your cap whilst he's giving orders too? (was about to say "kiss his ring" but in the context of this topic ... 😬)

From the response your husband had, he doesn't sound like a peach either.

WTF did I just read?

Sending someone unsolicited pornographic images isn't a cry for help.

Exactly, oh poor cocaine riddled sexpest wanking himself into oblivion diddums.

I thought it was a crime to send unsolicited porn?

This. Id be very worried if my Dp couldn’t see that the issue is his brother’s behaviour here , not his sexual fantasies. Trying to involve other non consenting adults in your kinks is a form of abuse.

It sounds like theres a lot you don’t know about your PARTNER.

In the meantime, screen shot all the texts and block your BIL on all platforms. You and your DP need to have a serious chat about YOUR feelings, not his brothers sex life, which is none of his bunsiness.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”

How absolutely DARE he😡🤬 minimising* this and calling you a safe space... "kindly clear the chat" *My Arse! I'd be screenshotting it so he can't delete it.

I think he's testing the boundaries- and seeing if he can compromise you with your DP by essentially lying by omission.

If you agree to delete and not tell, I think there will be an escalation next time.

"DBIL, I have no idea what was going through your mind sending that but I am not a 'safe space' for any of this content. I am assuming that your well-being is compromised. For my own well-being, I'll be blocking you now."

He was rather put on the spot and didn't have time to talk much. He'll have more to say later when he's mulled it over a bit.

High on drugs? I expect that was a bit of a shock too but would explain why he sent to you, and his conciliatory post the next day. Do BIL and SIL have any children?

The gay aspect of it is by the by. It's about as appropriate as your DH texing his brothers wife with a deluge of sexual content, and then thanking her for the safe space.

It's absolute fuckery and if your DH can't see this then you have a bigger problem than your BIL.

I went through something similar with BIL - however his secret was drug use not other men.

im sorry you’re in such a shit place

I can’t stand my BIL now!

Ask him A question that only BIL would know. Suspect so.ebody has his phone

I wouldn't get involved at all, just forward everything to your DH and say 'can you check on your brother, I think he's having a crisis or his phone has been stolen or something'.

Hes a pervert and demented. Tell your other half and tell the perverts wife, keep the evidence.

I would block him.
But then I would have cut the conversation off much earlier and certainly at the point where the explicit pictures were sent.

You are not a 'safe space' for him to get off on recanting his sexual experiences and deepest sexual fantasies.

He's not having a breakdown, his message in the morning has made that completely clear. He doesn't even seem to see the problem with what he's done. It's completely grim behaviour taking advantage of the fact a women will listen and 'be kind'. What a vile, vile man.

Please let his wife know about his disgusting behaviour, she deserves to know what she's married to. Your partner's response to the situation is also disturbing.

Did you not actually understand her explanation about this? Why do you think she should have prioritised engaging with a rambling sender of gay porn over what she was doing?

I despair!

To be honest I wouldn't be keeping his counsel and would be telling DH AND his wife. She deserves to know who she is married to.
Four times a year he thinks? He sounds like he's prone to risky behaviour and it would be very easy to put her health at risk.

One and a half hours of texting you his fantasies isn't someone grappling with their sexuality. He was aggressively inflicting them on you and getting off to it.

Read ‘secret sexual basement’ by Minwalla. Your Bil no doubt has a secret basement. Having sex with others puts your sil sexual health at risk.

I would tell her. Your bil has put you in a crap position and my loyalty wouldn’t lie with a man who sends unsolicited sexual images to me to help fill his basement. If you don’t tell her she may eventually ask if you knew. At that point you either lie or tell her you knew. Personally I couldn’t lie for a cheat.

uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf