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Original poster

BiL explicit texts - WWYD

509 replies

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 13:15

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 20/11/2024 21:09

If she knows then no issue you meeting her and showing the texts. Don’t mention it, just meet her.

He is getting off on it, like flashers get off on it. Seems crazy to women how they get off on flashing and dick pics but they do.

Alibababandthe40sheets · 20/11/2024 21:10

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 20:57

Thanks for all the perspectives. Regarding some of the questions - no my phone doesn’t automatically save pictures (so I don’t have a camera roll full of random men), BiL and my DP are brothers. BiL is married (to a woman) they have very young children.

DP and I have now spoken via video. He apologised for the low key reaction - he was surrounded by colleagues and had just broken away assuming I was phoning to say something mundane about one of our children. Tonight I could see he was totally floored. He said his brother had drunkenly revealed this fascination when he was single and living abroad years and years ago. DP wrongly assumed this was a youthful fascination and said he’d really not given it thought since. BiL returned home, settled down, became ‘a family man’. As DP was talking this all out I had to interrupt him to say “you’re not going to believe this…. But… I can see your brother messaging me”. The messages were dropping down at the top of the screen.

I abruptly shut it down saying he needed to have this conversation with his wife. He then says, buoyed with confidence from me not shutting him down last night, he’s told his wife today.

My brain was screaming ‘this can’t be real’

Long story short, to those who thought he is getting off on this, I think you’re correct. He said wife is being understanding (in my head I read this as shock) and then he went on to say he even showed her some photos of what he’s interested in. So “she could understand this is about lust, not anything about our solid relationship”. My reading of this is that he’s totally infatuated in his fantasies and can’t stop himself from over sharing. Narcissistic.

My DP is going to fact check whether the wife actually knows, once that’s clarified I guess there will be a bigger conversation.

Why is he sending you this stuff and unburdening himself onto you @Calmondeck?

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/11/2024 21:13

I'd reply and say that you've spoke at length to DH about it, and further correspondance re family matters should be with him, not you. Tell him he's overstepped massively, and while you wish him well, you don't want to be involved further in his sexual life, regardless of what that entails.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 20/11/2024 21:14

He's a wanker, in every sense of the word!

Original poster
Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 21:15

@FairyMaclary I think you’re absolutely right - he’s getting off on the exposure part

OP posts:
IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 20/11/2024 21:19

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 21:15

@FairyMaclary I think you’re absolutely right - he’s getting off on the exposure part

I’d speak to the police. He can see if it’s as exciting when speaking in an interview room. It is considered harassment apparently.

Horses7 · 20/11/2024 21:20

This went on for 1.5 hours? Or have I misread - why didn’t you just say I’m not doing this and stop replying. If he didn’t take the hint I’d have blocked him. Tell your husband as soon as he’s home before it becomes a bigger secret.

Original poster
Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 21:21

And @canyouletthedogoutplease i have no idea why he’s come to me. Maybe he wants me to alert DP. Maybe it’s just a Timezone thing and I was the only one he knew would be awake. I mean he obviously has no issues with guys so I don’t think it was anything to do with me being a woman. Or maybe he thinks I’m reserved and wanted to shock me. Well he succeeded.

OP posts:
AliasGrace47 · 20/11/2024 21:23

Your BIL has a bloody cheek, to put it mildly.. You did right to tell, OP. His wife deserved to know. What a horrible experience!

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 20/11/2024 21:24

Horses7 · 20/11/2024 21:20

This went on for 1.5 hours? Or have I misread - why didn’t you just say I’m not doing this and stop replying. If he didn’t take the hint I’d have blocked him. Tell your husband as soon as he’s home before it becomes a bigger secret.

She's explained all this. Why comment on a thread without reading OP's posts?

Sceptical123 · 20/11/2024 21:24

The fact he said he showed his wife to show it was about lust not bc their ‘rock solid’ or - whatever he referred to it as - family life - so what?!

News flash - a lot of ppl fantasise about others they’d like to have sex with - most don’t decide to tell their in-laws, send pictures or share it with their partners. This is bizarre.

If he’s doing it with the hope of being given a pass to have sex with men outside the marriage - what is he on?! That’s like a straight man saying he fancies women of a different type to his wife really turn him on so - “no disrespect to you my dear, or our incredibly strong marriage - but you won’t mind if I bonk a few every couple of months would you?” It honestly won’t affect our massively strong marriage I promise - if anything it will only make it stronger!

Yes, ok…… 😂😂😂😂😂🤣

AliasGrace47 · 20/11/2024 21:25

Calmon, maybe he's bi, in which case it's a voyeuristic thing. He really seems unwell sexually. Has he ever seemed attracted to you? I would def avoid him wherever possible from now.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 20/11/2024 21:26

He is using you for digital voyeurism, and he is likely getting far more out of it then you would like to think. I knew someone very similar briefly.

Dollybantree · 20/11/2024 21:27

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 13:27

Yes indeed, I’m still feeling WTF. There was too much personal info within the texts for it to be a scam. My DP doesn’t return from o/s for a few days so I want to think about how to approach it. I was particularly worried about his wife but he said she already knew he’d had these fantasies/acted upon them in the past before they got together, so she thinks it’s a thing of the past/something from his 20s. He was grappling in the texts with his current identity as a family man, but a renewed desire to have gay oral sex “maybe 4 times a year” to satiate this desire. It was a complete stream of consciousness from him where he didn’t seem to require my input or feedback.

Was he smoking crack perhaps? 🤔

Smittenkitchen · 20/11/2024 21:32

I think you need to block him. I'm sure his wife could get in touch with you if necessary and BIL with your DH. Sounds very messy but it is really not your problem or your business and you need to stop him from continuing to make it so.

NiftyKoala · 20/11/2024 21:35

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 20/11/2024 21:19

I’d speak to the police. He can see if it’s as exciting when speaking in an interview room. It is considered harassment apparently.

Show quote history

Personally this is EXACTLY what I'd do. Actually I have. Friend from my teen years kept sending unsolicited pics. Mind you this was just a few years ago so had been friends a long time. Told him to stop then he'd "accidentally" send them. Or detailed messages about his and his gf swinging lifestyle. So I went to the police department. And never spoke to him again. Let the police handle it so he knows you are not a "safe place".

ThatsNotMyTeen · 20/11/2024 21:38

I would also block him, the dirty bastard. To be clear not ref the desire for gay sex but involving an unsuspecting woman in his fetish

Codlingmoths · 20/11/2024 21:56

I think you cut him off now. You reply: this was not a safe space for me, you never even checked on that. You’ve walked all over my boundaries to be honest. Please don’t text me again.

Sugargliderwombat · 20/11/2024 22:02

Calmondeck · 20/11/2024 21:21

And @canyouletthedogoutplease i have no idea why he’s come to me. Maybe he wants me to alert DP. Maybe it’s just a Timezone thing and I was the only one he knew would be awake. I mean he obviously has no issues with guys so I don’t think it was anything to do with me being a woman. Or maybe he thinks I’m reserved and wanted to shock me. Well he succeeded.

It's just a taboo though, isn't it? Wife of your brother. Yuck.

AliasGrace47 · 20/11/2024 22:03

Sugargliderwombat · 20/11/2024 22:02

It's just a taboo though, isn't it? Wife of your brother. Yuck.

Show quote history

Ewww def- probably pornsick.

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 20/11/2024 22:10

I'd block him OP. Tbh I'd have blocked him after five minutes last night.
He's horrible, he's totally getting off on this.
Let your DH deal with this.

EdgarAllenRaven · 20/11/2024 22:16

This is really concerning behaviour - ringing mental health crisis alarm bells to me. The stream of consciousness is a symptom of a manic episode, he could have Bipolar Disorder?
I would be telling his wife and perhaps getting him an urgent appointment or intervention.
Not normal at all, totally irrational.

Gatecrashermum · 20/11/2024 22:18

OP - I think you and your husband have wildly underreacted to this. Your BIL is a sexual predator.

Screen shot everything. Tell your BIL this is sexual harassment and you are going to the police. Never contact me again. Don't block - make sure you save any further messages. Then go to the police.

I'm afraid going nuclear is your only option - do you want to be stuck alone with him in a room at Christmas, after a few drinks?

Your BIL is absolutely doing this for sexual kicks - calling you a safe space is vile. I repeat, he's a sexual predator and you need to be kept safe from him. Your husband needs to keep you safe - it's his brother.

pinkstripeycat · 20/11/2024 22:20

ilovelamp82 · 20/11/2024 13:21

Of course you tell your DP. Not your place to tell his wife.

Of course it’s OPs place to tell the wife. She’s the one he was texting!

Noseybookworm · 20/11/2024 22:21

I would block BIL for now so he can't contact you again. I'd wait until DP is back home before showing him the messages. Then you can discuss between the two of you what to do next. I would want to tell his wife what he's said - I know some would say it's not your business but he's made it your business by sending you all this unsolicited stuff. If you're good friends with her, it would be very difficult keep this to yourself.