BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

That’s incredibly weird. You’re sure it’s not a scam? A mental health episode? Did you say anything back to him?

I think the first thing you need to do is block him and then talk to your husband. I think your husband needs to make gentle enquiries as to whether your BIL is ok. Once you’ve established whether he’s mentally sound (and that it was definitely him) you can decide on next steps.

This, he’s trying to silence you

So your DH sounds to be ok with his brother texting his wife stuff like this?!?

Her DH is at work I would imagine he doesn’t have the space to explode even if he wants to

If the OP wants to tell his wife then it is absolutely her place. The OP is the most involved person in this however unwanted the communication was

The BIL made it @Calmondeck place to tell his wife when he involved her in his fantasises with no permission and interest.

Feeling the need to confide in you is one thing, but sending you explicit images is something completely different. I can’t see any possible justification for that, other than his own sexual gratification in knowing you were seeing them.

I thought the BIL was DHs brother. Didn't realise the wife was her sister. Of course tell the sister.

The issue is this is sexual harassment.

I can only assume your DH was distracted and assumed his bro had simply told you about being sexually confused - rather than the fact that he actually sent you graphic images of males engaging in sex acts. That's shocking, and he should definitely be told how inappropriate and disgusting that is.

Edit to say I thought it was DH's brother, but others are saying it's OP's sister's husband.... I'm not sure.
Either way it's wrong.

wtf? I'd be telling my DP deffinetly!

This is bizarre. He'd have got a "not appropriate" and a block from me, I certainly wouldn't have entertained him sending repeated images.

If this was genuinely your bil why you? Of all people he thinks the best person to tell him "secret" too is his brothers partner? Its not adding up, id say maybe a prankster mate of his or something

Definitely be led by your DP. This outcome shows that a lot of the initial outraged extreme posting was just SoMuchBadAdvice. I do think that the event was outrageous, and wrong, but BiL is family, & in particular your DP's problem. Yes you were a victim, & I would expect DP to be concerned for you before his brother, but hopefully you can proceed with maturity & kindness.

Definitely tell your DH. BIL is likely to do it again if he thinks he's got away with it.

Oops, sorry, didn't see the update.

I thought the BIL was DHs brother. Didn't realise the wife was her sister. Of course tell the sister.

You were right the first time, OP does say the BIL is the DH's brother.

OP is still under no obligation to hide that she has been sexually harrassed by this man. From his wife or anyone. It would serve him right if she told the world. Keeping silent just encourages him to do it again to some other poor woman in his circle.

Screen shot. Block and forward them to your DH to deal with by email (email the evidence). Please screen shot them all. This is abusive. He got a turn on from telling you - you aren’t a wife or a therapist. Be careful he doesn’t manipulate the conversation into you had been sexting him so save the lot before you block. What a horrid little man.

Send them all to your sister too - all of them and say ‘this is what Graham did last night’ etc

It's not her sister and if someone did this they would also be guilty of sexual harassment.

I'm a bit torn here, he obviously felt he could confide in you but then the explicit messages are totally not on. I would message back saying "It's not really that simple given that this all came out of nowhere and certainly wasn't encouraged. Truthfully you've put me in a horrible situation. I would like to just say that I'm always here to listen to you and support you, but never want images like that sent to my phone again. If that happens, I will be telling DH".

@Calmondeck

So DH wasn't surprised that his brother has gay fantasies. Sounds like he's known about that for some time so he was able to be calm about it. Maybe DH & you spoke about this in a rush so didn't have time to really talk, but did you not tell him about the pics and was he not upset about that?

I can see my DH being somewhat calm about his DB simply confessing to me that he was gay/had gay fantasies if that was all that happened, but the 'dirty words' and the sending of porno pics would really piss him off.

I'm sure you and DH will discuss this at length tonight. Hopefully he'll call his brother and give him 'down the road' for bringing you into his shit.

I do think that if the decision is made to tell his wife, that you should do it. I think it'd be easier to hear it from another woman.

Sounds like some sort of scam. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe read the whole of @Calmondeck posts

No if its genuine, don't go ballistic. It was most definitely not appropriate but it clearly wasn't a rational and reasonable thought process and who offloads on someone for 90 mins without some sort of exchange - he was probably off his head. If he was sober he would have queried the none response.

He has issues, sometimes you do stuff when you are under the influence that you wouldn't dare talk to someone about. Is he married/in a relationship with a female because if he is I can see why he is troubled and which comes first, the confusion or the drugs.

I have no idea how explicit he was, but either this was someone else trying to cause trouble or he is inadvertently crying out for help. If he has never been this forthcoming before, its not nastiest, he is struggling. Again it doesn't make what he said or did any better but it informs how it should be tackled if it wasn't a prank.

How bizarre?! If it was coming from a place of needing to vent a truth to a trusted friend, why not just say. 'I'm feeling embarrassed to say this to anyone, but I've been getting into gay porn.' you might offer some kind of practical advice to that. Even then it's a bit much. But sending tons of explicit pictures and descriptions is disgusting. It's illegal to send images of a sexual nature against someone's consent. You need to tell him he's broken the law.
And either he's got a very very good explanation or you tell everyone.