BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Mumsnet should state clearly in their weekly email that before replying on these threads MNers should read all the OPs' posts...

I see suggestions of reporting this to the police.

The BIL is already using the kind of progressive language that you hear a lot online these days by many fetishists trying to make themselves appear a member of some victim class or other. What is to say he won't double down and report OP for hate speech etc. leaving her with a non crime hate incident on her file. It might sound OTT but stranger things have been happening of late and I wouldn't put it past him as he's already signified his intent intent to play the victim here.

You need to find your anger. He sent you unsolicited porn- this is an offense. Your DH needs to tell him how wrong this is. I hope one of you reports him to the police before he sends pics to more women.
Also, work on your boundaries / people pleasing- how did you not shut this down after the picture?

Oh sure, the problem is that you've broken a safe space for him? Disregarding the fact that YOU never agreed that you would be willing to offer him a safe space and DID NOT CONSENT to being assaulted by graphic descriptions of gay sex and photographs.

He sounds like a narcissist. "I'm going to tell you something that could blow up my entire family and I'm also going to demand that you pay attention for HOURS and keep this a secret from my brother/your husband." I don't see where YOU agreed to any of this, so he can go jump in the lake. The problem is not you.

How dare he!

What about your safe space? He's totally violated that

His poor wife

I experienced this kind of conversation years ago when I was a crisis call counsellor ( I was much younger and much more naive)

The caller built up an idea that somehow I was different and they felt safe to talk to me before going way over the line into sexual talk but weaving enough other stuff that I felt I should still listen. Looking back I can see they were just using me as a way to get off.

It is still a bit gobsmacking that BIL chose you and other women close to him / his wife and expected you to actually keep it confidential. I suspect his wife isn't aware and he's just saying that do no-one approaches her.

What a revolting entitled man. I'm sorry he exposed you to all that and that he's now blaming you for his own actions. You are not to blame for any of it and I imagine you were in a state of shock struggling to process it. What he did was a form of sexual assault.

I would certainly tell him you are not his safe space and block him.
Your partner can probably deal with his brother when you tell him. Perhaps not tell the wife, your sister?

eta oops sorry! Behind the eight ball …

His wife will be in shock.

Did the other two women speak to her too? How did you find that out? If you hadn’t told her she may have wondered why her loved ones are lying. I couldn’t lie for a cheat.

If you care for her and want to support her there are books you can read that may help you understand what she is going through. Not just friends and how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Also Cheating in a Nutshell by Mitchell. They don’t specifically cover your situation but it may help you understand why she seems to be believing him or staying etc.

Horrid man and boringly predictable to pin the blame on you. However if the other women had said it and you didn’t tell her then you wouldn’t be in a great position. You did the right thing.

um, it was her that was subjected to the
man‘s sexually explicit messages. It is her that has been violated and it is him that committed the crime. What part of that is so hard for people to understand?!! You want her to report, only if his family members do? What the fuck about her? Honestly, sometimes I totally dispair at the shite I read here.

Your ghastly BIL thought he could get his jollies talking to the women closest to his wife and there would be no repercussions for him. Now he's back peddling madly to pretend he's done nothing wrong. All three of you should be contacting his wife and making it quite clear that you never agreed to listen to his filth and certainly didn't see yourself as a safe space for his actions. She really needs to know the sort of man she's married

I think you might need to start your own thread!

The OP is the victim of a crime. Why shouldn't she report it?.

No, do not take this advice!

this happened to me and I thought someone had taken the phone. Show the texts to your DH and to others before you make the call. Don't deal with this on your own!

He is unhinged.

This was an absolute abuse of all the women he ‘sexted’ as well as a betrayal of his wife, being women close to her by friendship or family tie.

So sorry this happened and glad u have the support of your DP.

Asking you to keep this secret from your DP was terrible as well.

All on him.

If he wants to be with men he should be honest and get on with it. If his wife knows and is okay with him now starting relationships with men and knowing he’s behaved so appallingly with you (which seems part of it) then she’s an adult and that’s on her. I’m sure you’ll support her if she realises she deserves better.

I was sent a Dick pic by someone known to me. It was suggested that I call the police, which I did. They took it seriously and told me to be careful that the person involved didn't know my address (they didn't!)i.

This is very serious. I haven't rtft, but I hope you have shown the messages to DH. Do not protect the person who sent these messages. Protect yourself.

Message him.. Do not contact me again. I have no wish to be involved in your sexual activity.

Message his wife: BIL sent explicit sexual images to me without my consent. This is not within the bounds of legally acceptable behaviour. I have asked him not to contact me again. I will always remain here for you if you need or want my support.

Message the sister and friend. BIL sent explicit sexual images to me without my consent. This is not within the bounds of legally acceptable behaviour. I have asked him not to contact me again.

Each of them can choose what they do with that information.

You are not wrong!

He was probably drunk and thought he was texting someone else? Or some other wires crossed?

On a couple of occasions I received not-so-explicit but still clearly not meant for me messages from ?my contacts which I simply responded to saying I think u have a wrong person here.

@GlassHeart1 I don't think you have read the OPs replies.

also... many times, men do these things, to unsettle women, in the hope / knowledge that women will not speak, will not be believed or the impact on women will be downplayed.

Believe her when she says what she said.

Screenshot and send to your sister. You do not want to be in the middle of whatever madness this is

Cyber flashing is another form of indecent exposure, and can carry a sentence of up to 2 years in prison.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-cyber-flashing/

I would call him and just check in that it was him before I'd do anything else.

Assuming it was him, downloading this on you is odd. But he obvs needed someone he feels safe with and that is you for the minute at least.

Why does your DP need to know anything? Its not for you to share his secret is it? I would delete everything. I'd probably ask him not to send images and explicit info to me again, but tell him that you will not talk to anyone as per his request.

I feel for your SIL though...

Block him on every platform and have nothing to do with him. Let your DP deal with it. If he tries to harass you report him to the stalking hotline. It was disgusting of him to send you those pictures, waste your time and then accuse you verbally. Whatever his "kink" may be is beside the point, his behaviour was absolutely abhorrent and in the sending of pictures illegal.

No reason, but what are you hoping to achieve? Will she be any better off by this action?