BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Why? What's the objective?

It's not OP's problem. (Well it is, but my point is that she shouldn't own the problem & make it any more of her problem than it was).

It IS a problem for the BiL's brother & wife and I am sure that she wants to help them. If they want it reported to the police then she should, but I don't see that she should do it off her own bat or involve herself in this clusterfuck any more than she has to.

Well that settles that it's not just the result of drugs or a mental health crisis, he really is a nasty piece of shit. Sounding out women in his circle to see who he thought he could get away with talking porn at. Blaming you for not just sitting there and taking it. Trying to lie his way out of it at your expense.

What was supposed to happen, you just go round family gatherings and you and he have this little gay porn secret between yourselves? 🤢

Having read all of your updates, I am absolutely convinced he is getting off on exposing himself to women specifically. Probably something like a humiliation kink feeding into his homoerotic fantasies. If I were you, OP, I would block this man and never speak to him again. I don't believe he was confiding in you at all. He sent you graphic sexual content without consent and had zero regard for how willing you were to have that conversation at all. He has no concept of boundaries and his decision to deflect and blame you should tell you all you need to know about who he is.

Block him. I'd be livid with my DH for minimising his off key behaviour.

His subsequent behaviour would cement the end of any relationship or contact for me, I wouldn't even want to hear about him via DH.

Vile.

I don't think it's him. It's probably someone using his phone. Maybe a friend of his? The fact that he didn't want to speak on a call means he didn't want u to know it isn't ur Bil's voice. Call ur brother inlaw and confirm.

You need to read the whole thread (or at least the OP's posts)

OP, I'm sorry to hear that. Not entirely surprised though. How is your DH responding? I hope he 100% has your back.

A few points, just in case you need a reminder that you've done NOTHING wrong.

1 A safe space cannot just be "assumed" outside of certain environments - medical, school etc. I am not a "safe space" for any random person, and neither are you.

2 If he texted his wife's sister and bf, it's unlikely this is the first or only time he's done this. Far more likely that he's escalating - so perhaps he started with text messages to other women he's less "close" to. Sorry to be alarmist but if you have daughters, as they get older, be very very careful.

3 YOu did nothing wrong in telling your DH this. You and your DH are a team and if you are uncomfortable or unhappy with something, you are 100% in the right, ALWAYS to tell him. x1000 in a sitution like this where you never once agreed to this interaction.

Bil is either bi sexual or gay ...but living a lie and struggling as a result...ofcourse somebody else might be typing the message, proceed with caution .

Very strange that you aren't mentioning reporting this crime to the police. Ridiculous that he sends pornographic images to various women and pretends it's not a crime by shouting 'safe space' afterwards.

Your DH seems to be minimising it too.

That is worse than ever. He is completely out of order, it's an outrage.

I think you are taking it all very well, Calmondeck, but he needs to have brakes put on him because he'll do it again and again and goodness knows how it will escalate. Your husband must realise this.

I didn't know you had spoken to your sister-in-law, must have missed that along the way. What did she say?

My opinion is that you should go to the police but obviously that is your decision.

I hope it is all over now as far as your involvement is concerned and that you never have to see him.

This is about more than being gay or bi and I think this is a misguided perception. Being gay or bi does not predispose anyone to want to share graphic sexual material and sexual desires with female relatives. That suggests a paraphilia. He gets off on doing this. He also has clearly done it before as he's quite skilled at manipulating the victims.

Yes , very likely . I have experienced sexual abuse from a relative when I was a child , the problem doesn't stay there , the behaviours of those with sexual deviance does spill into ordinary life's of others , manipulating the minds of others , ironically I entered the bdsm for a few years and gave me understanding and strength of mind , hence proceed with caution. Yes show partner the info but be aware of the conflict it will cause , being the messenger has a negative, not saying anything is worse . I now don't have anything to do with relatives because of the manipulative behaviour of one .

Yes and isn't anyone concerned about their kids, why hasn't anyone reported this.

I agree.
I think the responsibile thing to do would be calling 101.

You didn't offer him a save space.
He violated your privacy.

Gosh! Things have been speeding along , yes phone the police , he's seems dangerous.

There are kids? Even more reason to phone the police.. he has v inappropriate boundaries at the least

Showing photos of naked body is a crime , no matter of 'safe space' its a crime.

The more you update the worse this gets.

This man was not having an innocent "safe space" conversation with someone to work through his confusion.

He sent three separate women (note, all WOMEN) explicit messages, simultaneously, discussing his sexual fantasies. So he wasn't simply unburdening himself with someone he trusted, he actively instigated these separate conversations, most likely while getting off on involving unsuspecting women in his sexual fetish.

This behaviour, if left unchecked, will escalate.

Cyberflashing is a crime .

Oh of course it’s turned out that he also messaged two other innocent women about his fantasies. Disgusting man, using you all to indulge him and his ‘kink’. You did the right thing speaking to your partner, how dare he ask you to keep that secret! I’d also want no further contact and would make it clear to my partner that I expected his support in that.

If it went on for 90mins you must have been replying.

I'd maybe message in cold light of door explaining why you're in a difficult position and don't want to out him but feel uncomfortable hiding this and encouraging him to come out

It's shocking to me that it seems to be a very delayed realisation that he was going this for sexual kicks. It was obvious from the OP.

If you are close, call him to establish this is definitely from him. After this you need to shut this down!!! He had no right to send explicit texts which have distressed you! You need to urge him to speak to someone about this.