BiL explicit texts - WWYD

[Calmondeck]

I’m having a ‘did that just happen’ moment… have not disclosed this to my DP yet

Received a text from BiL asking for a chat. This is extremely unprecedented, we send the rare occasional birthday text or family photo.

I called worried something was wrong (DP is overseas on a work trip). BiL didn’t accept the call and asked if we could text instead.

He rapidly disclosed a hidden obsession with male on male oral sex and suddenly started sending me explicit images of random men, complete with commentary about what he’d do with them. His texting went on for 1.5 hrs.

I woke up today vaguely wondering whether it was a scam, but feeling certain it wasn’t.

This morning I got a perfunctory “I appreciate the safe space last night. Kindly clear the chat. No need to raise this with DP or (his wife’s name)”.

My mind is spinning. Any advice?

Don’t be tempted for a moment to believe that you're to blame in any way. Him deciding unilaterally that you’re a "safe space" and he can send you whatever revolting things he wants to, and you should do nothing about it, is ridiculous. I might have had a little sympathy with him if he’d just been confiding in you, but sending the pictures makes it clear he was enjoying the thought of you looking at them. You did the right thing in letting his wife know.

I am sure you know, I hope you do, but you have absolutely done nothing wrong in taking to your husband @Calmondeck . You had no choice but to tell him. I hope he has your back 100%. He can have a relationship with his brother if he wants, but it needs to be without you. You can't help his wife unless she wants to be helped but you could support her sister if you both want that.

You abused nothing never mind his safe space. He abused yours.

Noone gets to use you as an emotional dumping ground and then declare it a 'safe space'.

Agree with all of the above. What a toxic space he's created, fully on his own. 100% disengage but I guess keep a door open for his wife if she needs. Horrible situation I hope your DH puts him straight.

"Safe space" just means he's decided to indulge his fetish at your expense, OP, and he's decided that you're not allowed to do or say anything about it. He might as well say it was a pinky swear. Or the tooth fairy promised it was a secret. What a mess. You did the right thing. Other posters are right, saying he's DARVOing and turning it into 'me and you against the world' with his partner, as if it's other people threatening their relationship and not him indulging his kink. He's abusive.

I think I'd report it to the police and name the other women. They may or may not talk to them but it gets it on record for when the sleazy cunt tries it again with other women and should deterbhim from doing it to you again.

Sounds like he’s struggling to accept his sexuality and gone into self destruct mode

Leave them to it op, I'd have nothing to do with him from now on though. Absolute pervert sending you those pictures !

@Calmondeck

'Safe space' my Great Aunt Fanny!! You did not invite his 'confidences', you did not tell him you were a 'safe space'. He forced them on you, unwanted and uninvited. Look up DARVO. This is what he's doing, making himself the poor victim and you the nasty perpetrator.

I wonder if he even realizes that what he did is actually a crime. Not saying to report him. Just wondering why he doesn't seem to know that sending unsolicited porno and making unwanted sexual comments is illegal. Does he not remember the days of obscene phone calls? What he did is no different.

Interesting about the other 2 women he did this to. Did he try to tell your DH that they, too, were 'safe spaces' or that they consented? This man is one sick puppy.

Do you know whether or not his wife knows? Because if she doesn't, she should be told. If she does and she's closed ranks with him to save her marriage, then it is time for you and DH to back away and leave them to themselves.

Calmon, I'm really sorry that happened. He is unspeakably awful. Hopefully your SIL will break free, but that's not your worry. You must focus on yourself after this horrible experience. NC w this bastard going forward.

I would block him

Are the other two women not reporting him either then?

Has this married man sent illegal unsolicited pornographic images to three women and got away with it?

Forget about him, his wife, his wife’s best friend, his wife’s sister and your husband for a moment. Just call the police for some advice re the crime that has been committed towards you and see what they say.

Grim.

Share with your DP etc

Ugh, he's disgusting.

How do you know he contacted his wife's sister and best friend?

He's trying to isolate her from her friendship group, isn't he, by contacting those who are closest to her.

I think his wife deserves to know what's going on and it should come from a united front - you, her sister and her best friend together, with your husband there, too.

I'm surprised this is him being gay, tbh; I assumed at first it was going to be that he was cross dressing.

More fool his wife, to be honest.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck........

Deceptive?? You never agreed to anything, he didn't give you chance to and you wouldn't have had to consent to it even if he did. Disengage with him entirely. His fantasy that you're the bad guy threatening their incredible bond is so patently BS that it'd be laughable if he wasn't so toxic. Leave him to his bond and let it play out. Anyone with half a brain can tell this is not on you, and if they can't, they are part of the problem.

It sounds really like he's on full-on self destruct mode, as pp pointed out upthread. I wouldn't be surprised if drugs/alcohol fuelled, or even on the verge of some kind of psychotic breakdown. If not, he is just an utterly unhinged narcissist, and the more I think about it, I'm becoming more concerned for the wife and young children. I do hope your dp can not only have a frank conversation with him, but also reach out to his wife and offer a safe space for her and the children if needed.

I hope so! But for now, concentrate on yourself. When you've had some time, maybe discreetly let his wife know you're there for help if she needs it. She may be v controlled, he sounds like a kink-obsessed narcissist. Poor other women who got the stuff, too. Maybe they reported him?
Part of me thinks you should report him, but I totally get if you don't want to. This is an unbelievable situation- I hope your DH can support when he comes home, must be a horrible shock for him as well.

His behaviour is entirely predictable of a certain type of personality. Any accusation from them is actually an admission. They are very harmful people and very, very predictable in their boundary pushing behaviour. Time to step right back. You will get an opportunity to see what your DH is made of here too, everything crossed he behaves well.

Definitely keep the messages and show partner.

Crikey, you must be reeling especially as your DP is away. It’s a lot to handle alone with a LO. Has your BiL ever displayed any mental health problems? It sounds like he could be having a manic episode.

He’s a very disturbed and dangerous man. He is trying to isolate and manipulate his wife , no doubt he has told her that you were all sympathetic to him and angry at her for “ kink shaming “ / not indulging his fetish etc .

Id take what he says about their “ unbreakable bond “ with a pinch of salt, she probably planning to leave him .

I'm sorry for all 3 innocent women who’ve been dragged into this too. I hope for your sake @Calmondeck that your partner stands up for you, if he doesn’t you need to think long and hard if you want to stay with him. This is major red flag territory.

Keep it secret? No way this man is deciding his wife and his risk taking sexual encounters could infect his wife with an std !

Nope he sent sexually explicit messages which should be reported to the police.

He is a pervert for sharing pornographic unsolicited photos to his sister in law FFS .